Long term cohabitation dilemma

kazwookie

You are being taken  for a ride.

Pay for food and a bit towards bills and nothing else what so ever,  £400 per month and that is it. Pay nothing else for anything else.

Get you tenants out and move in there, then pay nothing at all to your partner.

You have paid out £72K plus

Mojisola

Virtualness said:

I am a 48 year old woman with a small one bed flat with 8 yrs left on mortgage.

I've paid around £400 a month to him rent over this time as well as paying half insurance, all the gas and electric and all supermarket/cleaning shopping

Each month I barely have anything left to save despite earning more than my partner

Whereas if you'd stayed in your flat, you would probably be mortgage-free and have savings.

[Deleted User]

I felt a little sad reading your OP, for the following reasons:

I've paid around £400 a month to him rent over this time as well as paying half insurance, all the gas and electric and all supermarket/cleaning shopping which seems fair as it's important I am paying my way. Each month I barely have anything left to save despite earning more than my partner which I struggle to grapple with.

You are clearly contributing/ paying your way but this seems excessive and I feel your contributions are not valued, but being taken advantage of. You seem to be more like a tenant to him as opposed to his partner.

I dearly would like to be in a position after this time together to have equal say, power, stake in our home but it's become a massive area of fighting. If I bring up my 'contributions' he gets very angry and states clearly they aren't contributions but gifts and I don't have a stake in his house.

They are not 'gifts', they are contributions to living expenses. Why does it matter how they are defined anyway, and why is he prioritising the financial contributions above harmony within the relationship by causing arguments about this? He seems focused on money to your detriment and his gain. 

So I'm nervous about my future. Do I accept it, realise I'm living a life in a beautiful house I could never afford for a small rent and stop feeling bitter, or alternatively find some way to make a lot of cash fast so I can buy with him debt free next time? Any ideas how to do this? I want my relationship to work but don't always want to feel I'm living in someone else's house with all the insecurity, powerlessness and lost financial outlay that involves for me? 

A loving relationship would not result in you feeling you're living under someone else's roof, and be using words such as insecurity, powerlessness, loss...It's a partnership, and you seem to be on the outskirts of it rather being fully loved and protected. This is just what I got from your post. I would never advise you break up a relationship, but there seems to be an imbalance which is resulting in you feeling unsupported and insecure. I would seriously consider my options if I were you, and whether this man has your best interests at heart. 

gwynlas

There have been similar threads here previously with similar answers. What exactly are you renting? You probably have less rights than a lodger despite the facts that you are paying rent, servicing utilities feeding him and presumably meet his sexual needs.
If you want any security in the future you would be far better off returning to your own property and paying off your mortgage., if anything were to happen to him you would have to fight for any share of his estate despite providing financial and practical support in growing it to the size it is. Wake up, smell the coffee and plan for your future.

General_Grant

Why pay half the insurance for a house which you are being told is not yours?

Viking_warrior

UnderOffer said:

I've paid around £400 a month to him rent over this time as well as paying half insurance, all the gas and electric and all supermarket/cleaning shopping which seems fair as it's important I am paying my way.

Why are you also paying ALL the utility costs and shopping? That’s not a fair balance. 

If you had not have contributed the 3rd costs to improving the home you’d have savings. Stop being walked over. 

No nit all bills as said just gas electric, Amazon prime plus all groceries. He pays council tax, water, TV license, broadband. His bills are more than mine just groceries take higher 

Angela_D_3

Virtualness said:

UnderOffer said:

I've paid around £400 a month to him rent over this time as well as paying half insurance, all the gas and electric and all supermarket/cleaning shopping which seems fair as it's important I am paying my way.

Why are you also paying ALL the utility costs and shopping? That’s not a fair balance. 

If you had not have contributed the 3rd costs to improving the home you’d have savings. Stop being walked over. 

No nit all bills as said just gas electric, Amazon prime plus all groceries. He pays council tax, water, TV license, broadband. His bills are more than mine just groceries take higher 

So surely ypu tot everything up,  including groceries and divide that number by two .... and thats it.
Theres no mortgage so you both benefit from that.  You aren’t asking to benefit from him being mortgage free,  but he doesnt get to charge you either  ?  

Viking_warrior

General_Grant said:

Why pay half the insurance for a house which you are being told is not yours?

Because the contents insurance .... 

Viking_warrior

gwynlas said:

There have been similar threads here previously with similar answers. What exactly are you renting? You probably have less rights than a lodger despite the facts that you are paying rent, servicing utilities feeding him and presumably meet his sexual needs.
If you want any security in the future you would be far better off returning to your own property and paying off your mortgage., if anything were to happen to him you would have to fight for any share of his estate despite providing financial and practical support in growing it to the size it is. Wake up, smell the coffee and plan for your future.

He always says if he dies I get it all... as I'm the one on his will. Which I have seen. So unless we split up I do in theory benefit. That's what he keeps assuring me

General_Grant

Virtualness said:

General_Grant said:

Why pay half the insurance for a house which you are being told is not yours?

Because the contents insurance .... 

So half or more of the contents are yours currently and your name appears on the policy documents?
And buildings insurance?