Long term cohabitation dilemma

Sistergold

Virtualness said:

gwynlas said:

There have been similar threads here previously with similar answers. What exactly are you renting? You probably have less rights than a lodger despite the facts that you are paying rent, servicing utilities feeding him and presumably meet his sexual needs.
If you want any security in the future you would be far better off returning to your own property and paying off your mortgage., if anything were to happen to him you would have to fight for any share of his estate despite providing financial and practical support in growing it to the size it is. Wake up, smell the coffee and plan for your future.

He always says if he dies I get it all... as I'm the one on his will. Which I have seen. So unless we split up I do in theory benefit. That's what he keeps assuring me

What if you die first? Really you need to worry more about enjoying life now not later. No one knows when one will die. Sort the here and now. He can also change his will, he might even be showing you a fake will. 

Reading your account was really painful. I hope you can sort this out and realise how you have really wasted time in this relationship. The sad thing is even after this advise you might still stay because the devil you know and all and then he will chuck you out when it’s a good time for him. 48 is about the right age to correct life mistakes as the older you get the harder it gets to sort out finances. 

Good luck 

Msmoneyspider

Hi Virtualness,

What a tricky situation.  You are vulnerable and it could take a considerable length of time to get your own flat back, from tennants, if you decided to leave your 'partner' or he changed the locks.  Next time you are due to hand him over the £400.00 in cash, could you give him £200.00 and explain that unfortunately you cannot afford to give him any more than that.  I would then start to build up an emergency fund. 

It might be worth doing an assertiveness course, so that you can take some power back in a non-confrontational way.  I would also quietly clarify your legal position with Shelter (showing them a copy of your agreement and advising them of the length of time you have been together).  You may find that you could apply for occupancy rights, even if you have no rights to the property.

wannabe_a_saver

Sistergold said:

Virtualness said:

gwynlas said:

There have been similar threads here previously with similar answers. What exactly are you renting? You probably have less rights than a lodger despite the facts that you are paying rent, servicing utilities feeding him and presumably meet his sexual needs.
If you want any security in the future you would be far better off returning to your own property and paying off your mortgage., if anything were to happen to him you would have to fight for any share of his estate despite providing financial and practical support in growing it to the size it is. Wake up, smell the coffee and plan for your future.

He always says if he dies I get it all... as I'm the one on his will. Which I have seen. So unless we split up I do in theory benefit. That's what he keeps assuring me

What if you die first? 

What if (hopefully not) you become ill or disabled and are unable to work and therefore pay the rent?  Do you think he would support you?  

Falafels

Virtualness said:

Hard to read but deep down yes I believed it wasnt right.... and I have brought it up many times causing much friction. As he has very reasoned responses as to why it is as it is... and offers 'solutions' (regardless of their inachievability) I had convinced myself it was my fault I was in the situation I was in. Especially as I bought my flat just as I met him and he told me not to (he hates leasehold) and brings up my poor decision to this day. I had imagined responses would be about me finding a way to move up my property ladder somehow.... but I think I have more to be worried about than that. After so long i have convinced myself if his sincerity and love and that it must be me being difficult obstinate and argumentative. 

Of course you can't fault his logic - it's working very much to his advantage, and at your expense. 

I totally understand what you mean about 'paying your way'; apart from anything, it's a self esteem thing. However, you aren't just paying YOUR way, you are subsidising him. You earn more than he does, have a rental income on top, and still manage to be worse off than he is. In a loving relationship, this doesn't happen.

When you say you had convinced yourself that you were in the position you are... yes, you're responsible for your own decisions. That means you can reverse them any time you like and, thank ****, you've still got your flat. Others have said that in your place, they'd move back to your flat and leave him to it, and I totally agree. If necessary, tell him that you'll be able to save more if you do so, and 'match' him when you buy somewhere together. It doesn't necessarily mean the end of the relationship.

In your heart of hearts, you realise you're being taken advantage of. This does not get better with time. It is not a good basis for a relationship.

You're only 48, you've got plenty of time left; don't waste it in a no-win situation. While you're at it, do a google search on 'gaslighting', particularly the bits about the abuser making the victim doubt themselves, and escalating the abuse when the victim confronts it.

hazyjo

wannabe_a_saver said:

Sistergold said:

Virtualness said:

gwynlas said:

There have been similar threads here previously with similar answers. What exactly are you renting? You probably have less rights than a lodger despite the facts that you are paying rent, servicing utilities feeding him and presumably meet his sexual needs.
If you want any security in the future you would be far better off returning to your own property and paying off your mortgage., if anything were to happen to him you would have to fight for any share of his estate despite providing financial and practical support in growing it to the size it is. Wake up, smell the coffee and plan for your future.

He always says if he dies I get it all... as I'm the one on his will. Which I have seen. So unless we split up I do in theory benefit. That's what he keeps assuring me

What if you die first? 

What if (hopefully not) you become ill or disabled and are unable to work and therefore pay the rent?  Do you think he would support you?  

Or had children together. Wonder what would've happened then. Would he see finances as joint?

getmore4less

Virtualness said:

Angela_D_3 said:

Has he mentioned marriage after 15 years? 

No.... Not unless he is on his death bed. Been married before more than once and lost house etc so won't do it 

I came to conclusion a long time ago...
being the second, it could have been bad luck, inexperience poor choices  the first time
being the third its them, watch out there is probably going to be a forth

goldfinches

Like others who have commented here reading what you said about your relationship made me feel great sadness for you. The world is a poorer place when someone's love for another person is so cruelly exploited. You are worth so much more than this and I hope that what we have all said here helps you to know that.

Co-incidentally I borrowed this book Why Women Are Poorer Than Men and What We Can Do About It eBook: Williams, Annabelle: Amazon.co.uk: Kindle Store 
from the library this week and it's a worthwhile read for everyone not only women.
If I may just nudge you gently Virtualness to consider your pension contributions too as being old and poor is avoidable especially if you stop subsidising your partner now. 

Wishing you a better future, goldfinches.

MovingForwards

Virtualness said:

Angela_D_3 said:

Has he mentioned marriage after 15 years? 

No.... Not unless he is on his death bed. Been married before more than once and lost house etc so won't do it 

And that is why the house will never be yours, regardless of what he says and why he sets unattainable ideas.

You know deep down otherwise you wouldn't have posted up.

Your life could be so much better, a big house isn't everything, happiness is. 

There's many of us who started over in our 40s and have absolutely no regrets about moving into a house/flat share or renting, key difference is you've a flat and can serve s21 notice, start planning and when your flat is free of tenants it becomes your home again.

If you don't want to post on the relationships board, at least go and read similar threads, you will see many people talk about their life before, how it's changed and even what steps they took.

AdrianC

getmore4less said:

Virtualness said:

Angela_D_3 said:

Has he mentioned marriage after 15 years? 

No.... Not unless he is on his death bed. Been married before more than once and lost house etc so won't do it 

I came to conclusion a long time ago...
being the second, it could have been bad luck, inexperience poor choices  the first time
being the third its them, watch out there is probably going to be a forth

Yes, you start to see the ex's point of view...

wannabe_a_saver

hazyjo said:

wannabe_a_saver said:

Sistergold said:

Virtualness said:

gwynlas said:

There have been similar threads here previously with similar answers. What exactly are you renting? You probably have less rights than a lodger despite the facts that you are paying rent, servicing utilities feeding him and presumably meet his sexual needs.
If you want any security in the future you would be far better off returning to your own property and paying off your mortgage., if anything were to happen to him you would have to fight for any share of his estate despite providing financial and practical support in growing it to the size it is. Wake up, smell the coffee and plan for your future.

He always says if he dies I get it all... as I'm the one on his will. Which I have seen. So unless we split up I do in theory benefit. That's what he keeps assuring me

What if you die first? 

What if (hopefully not) you become ill or disabled and are unable to work and therefore pay the rent?  Do you think he would support you?  

Or had children together. Wonder what would've happened then. Would he see finances as joint?

Well she's 48 so probably not up for that!