Long term cohabitation dilemma

Viking_warrior

barbiedoll said:

How do you pay your "rent", is it a standing order from your account into his? If so, perhaps you should remind him that a court may well see your contributions as a "beneficial interest", and if you ever split, a judge would quite possibly not consider the money that you have spent on your shared home as "gifts".

I also think he's taking you for a ride. How much does running his house actually cost him each month? It can't be a very large sum, seeing as you're paying for everything!

Set up a spreadsheet with all joint expenses, tot it up and divide the total amount by two. Then tell him that is what you'll be paying from now on. It doesn't matter if you earn more, if he insists that you can't have a stake in his property, then why should you subsidise his home improvements? After all, any rise in the value of his house, is only going to benefit him.

No I've always been asked to pay rent in cash. I have brought the whole thing up numerous tune but he reasons it with me and I feel his side of things and leave it until it creeps up in me again. I pay rent for a few reasons..
1. If I wanst living here he would have a lodger so if I dont pay rent hes losing out
2. If I wasnt paying him rent and living here then I'd be paying rent or mortgage anyway and it would cost me a lot more to have somewhere like this house
3. Whilst I'm living with him and my flat mortgage is being paid, if I dint pay rent I'd be growing my assets at his expense. 

General_Grant

Virtualness said:

gwynlas said:

There have been similar threads here previously with similar answers. What exactly are you renting? You probably have less rights than a lodger despite the facts that you are paying rent, servicing utilities feeding him and presumably meet his sexual needs.
If you want any security in the future you would be far better off returning to your own property and paying off your mortgage., if anything were to happen to him you would have to fight for any share of his estate despite providing financial and practical support in growing it to the size it is. Wake up, smell the coffee and plan for your future.

He always says if he dies I get it all... as I'm the one on his will. Which I have seen. So unless we split up I do in theory benefit. That's what he keeps assuring me

Another Will can be made without having to tell you.  If he has children or a wife he is not divorced from . . .

Are you nominated to receive a pension scheme lump sum?

Sorry - most of us responding are being rather negative.

hazyjo

You seem to have all the answers and do seem to be defending him. Either he's done a right number on you and they're his words, or you actually think it's fair? I'm a little confused.

Was he living alone when you met him? Did he have a lodger then?

[Deleted User]

Virtualness said:

gwynlas said:

There have been similar threads here previously with similar answers. What exactly are you renting? You probably have less rights than a lodger despite the facts that you are paying rent, servicing utilities feeding him and presumably meet his sexual needs.
If you want any security in the future you would be far better off returning to your own property and paying off your mortgage., if anything were to happen to him you would have to fight for any share of his estate despite providing financial and practical support in growing it to the size it is. Wake up, smell the coffee and plan for your future.

He always says if he dies I get it all... as I'm the one on his will. Which I have seen. So unless we split up I do in theory benefit. That's what he keeps assuring me

But as long as he is alive (which may well be for the entirety of your life), he is benefiting financially from you while you have no share in his property and essentially no rights. The fact that is 'keeps assuring' you of your inclusion in his will makes it apparent he is aware of the unfairness of the present state of affairs. You benefit only in one specific situation - that being, his death.

Agree with @hazyjo that you seem to be defending him, which is understandable given the length of time you have been together. However, we are only trying to allow you to see the reality of the situation (as opposed to needlessly having a go at him) which is surely what you'd hoped for when you originally posted. Obviously we don't have oversight of the relationship and perhaps it is otherwise wonderful. Only you know this. Ask yourself though if you really think you're being treated fairly. In light of what you've shared, the general consensus on this forum is 'no'. 

Mojisola

Deleted_User said:

But as long as he is alive (which may well be for the entirety of your life), he is benefiting financially from you while you have no share in his property and essentially no rights. The fact that is 'keeps assuring' you of your inclusion in his will makes it apparent he is aware of the unfairness of the present state of affairs. You benefit only in one specific situation - that being, his death.

As you are a live-in partner, you have absolutely no rights to reside in the house.

You could come home one day and find your stuff outside the front door and you'd have to immediately find somewhere else to stay.

As has been said above - a will can be changed at any point - having seen one version is nothing to be relied on.

MalMonroe

Virtualness said:

I am a 48 year old woman with a small one bed flat with 8 yrs left on mortgage. I rent it at a small loss (to pay off mortgage faster) and know if I sold it my profit/increase from purchase price would be very low as bought just before the last crash.
For the past 15 years I've been living with my partner unmarried in his fully owned properties. In both homes I've signed cohabitation agreements to say I have no stake or claim to his property at all, as he bought them outright himself. I've paid around £400 a month to him rent over this time as well as paying half insurance, all the gas and electric and all supermarket/cleaning shopping which seems fair as it's important I am paying my way. Each month I barely have anything left to save despite earning more than my partner which I struggle to grapple with.
 Since living with him we have moved house and been in the last house four years. I've given him some money to help with home improvements...not half but around a third approximately, and he has done almost all of the hard graft in these improvements.
I dearly would like to be in a position after this time together to have equal say, power, stake in our home but it's become a massive area of fighting. If I bring up my 'contributions' he gets very angry and states clearly they aren't contributions but gifts and I don't have a stake in his house. If I say I want to feel I'm part of our home financially, he offers a solution in that if I can match him cash for cash (ie no mortgage) when we next move then we can go in together. I understand his feelings bout debt, however there is no way I can afford that. My flat even if I paid it off and sold it would be max £75k, to his assets which have grown in value over time to around £250k. I appreciate his point of view fully.... He made good decisions, buying a £40k first home, then selling and buying at times when his asset made money while my flat decision has conversely made me nothing.
So I'm nervous about my future. Do I accept it, realise I'm living a life in a beautiful house I could never afford for a small rent and stop feeling bitter, or alternatively find some way to make a lot of cash fast so I can buy with him debt free next time? Any ideas how to do this? I want my relationship to work but don't always want to feel I'm living in someone else's house with all the insecurity, powerlessness and lost financial outlay that involves for me? 
I realise I've let this go for too long without sorting my own assets and finances out, but hoping I'm not too late to make some good solid financial investment decisions. Don't want to feel like a financial failure anymore and want to feel I'm jointly contributing to our future together.
All advice welcome. Thank you

Hi, I have to say that I think you sound like a really lovely person. You are even renting your flat at a loss to you - many tenants would kill for such a landlord! But you are obviously far too nice because this man is walking all over you.

You ask if you should accept your situation now - if you even have to ask, you already know the answer to that question.  

The fact that you said "If I say I want to feel I'm part of our home financially, he offers a solution in that if I can match him cash for cash (ie no mortgage) when we next move then we can go in together." That's not how a loving relationship works. And the fact that you did not make it clear to him beforehand that you wanted to be part of the purchase of the home you are now living in is worrying.

What exactly makes him the boss of you? How come he gets to make such decisions and rules?

If I were you, I'd give my tenant notice and then I'd move back into my own flat and live there by myself. I really couldn't bear to be involved with such a selfish, ignorant and domineering person. I would truly rather be on my own. You are luckier than a lot of people in that you have your own place to fall back on (into). He is ripping you off right left and centre. Get out now, while you can - you are only 48, you have plenty of living to do. But not with this man. I don't like the sound of him!  

PS Edited to say that if anyone had presented me with a 'cohabitation agreement' to sign, I'd have told him to get lost and left at that point. 

HampshireH

Sadly I agree with all of the above.

Put it this way. He is charging you £400 to live with him in the exact way he would charge a lodger.....

But you aren't a lodger. Fundamental difference.

You are meant to be in an equal loving relationship yet he charges you rent for his own back pocket to increase his savings whilst he lets you rent your place at a loss and have little money left each month.

I know you see how unfair that is or you wouldn't have posted.

I think you know what he would say if you didn't pay the £400 a month to him for his savings and it's not something you want to hear after 15 years.

If you knew he would just accept it and see your point of view you wouldn't be paying it.

Ask yourself this.Would he throw away this relationship if you stopped paying "rent"?

If so it's not a relationship and it's buying his attention. 

If he accepts it then fantastic. Start saving it.

Hard questions to ask yourself especially when something becomes a habit

GrumpyDil

OP can I just check one minor thing. When you say you are subsidising your tenants are you on a repayment mortgage or interest only.

If repayment then you aren't really subsidising them as long as the rental incomes covers your interest payments as you are building up your capital in the flat.

If interest only then absolutely you are subsidising your tenants and in which case, give them notice, evict and move back in.

As an aside I agree with all the other posters that this sounds like a very one sided unhealthy relationship in which your partner is taking advantage of you. 

Viking_warrior

Thank you everyone for your thought and comments. Hard to read but deep down yes I believed it wasnt right.... and I have brought it up many times causing much friction. As he has very reasoned responses as to why it is as it is... and offers 'solutions' (regardless of their inachievability) I had convinced myself it was my fault I was in the situation I was in. Especially as I bought my flat just as I met him and he told me not to (he hates leasehold) and brings up my poor decision to this day. I had imagined responses would be about me finding a way to move up my property ladder somehow.... but I think I have more to be worried about than that. After so long i have convinced myself if his sincerity and love and that it must be me being difficult obstinate and argumentative. Time for some reflection. Thank you all I'm slightly overwhelmed by the thoughts and concern of strangers. Much appreciated 

Viking_warrior

GrumpyDil said:

OP can I just check one minor thing. When you say you are subsidising your tenants are you on a repayment mortgage or interest only.

If repayment then you aren't really subsidising them as long as the rental incomes covers your interest payments as you are building up your capital in the flat.

If interest only then absolutely you are subsidising your tenants and in which case, give them notice, evict and move back in.

As an aside I agree with all the other posters that this sounds like a very one sided unhealthy relationship in which your partner is taking advantage of you. 

I didnt day I was subsidising tenant just making a loss... which to be fair is only month in month. Yes it's a capital repayment so you are correct as long as the tenant is in and paying rent its paying off the mortgage both interest and capital