Long term cohabitation dilemma

Jeepers_Creepers

Viking_warrior said:

I do decide food but he is particular about quality of meals and I do buy alcohol too ... I have up drinking a year ago as had lots of self loathing issues and doubts about arguments etc. 
In reality I agree with so many posters. On both sides if argument. 

I did willingly sign agreements but now in hindsight this was done in spirit of me not wanting to take any if the things hed worked for... not to lose anything I'd paid for in event of a split. 

In terms of our dynamic hes always been very straight and honest. He has boundaries and ways he wants to live and if I dont like them, I can leave. He will have a moment on almost a monthly basis where I've done something I shouldn't, said something I shouldn't or stepped over a boundary and will tell me I can choose to leave or change etc
 
Hes never pretended to be anything else. So I cant complain hes like it now.

My parents do come stay for a couple nights at a time. Same when we go there. 36 hrs seems to be his limit of tolerance. 
My sister hasnt been as we dont really have space. As she has 2 children. So yes I can invite people over 

I think I'd git to an age where uve started realising my situation isnt serving ME. but late to notice and not sure if have strentlgth or will to leave him as I've considered it many times but always decided my lifestyle and relationship arent that bad.... and could easily be worse... or very lonely. 

So here I am trying to find a way to make it work on all fronts. still not found an answer lol despite 12 pages 

Well, I guess he isn't being 'devious'; he says it as it is.

It's a painful read, tho', VW - such a basis for a relationship, where one partner would seemingly be ok if the other walked away.

You are easily young enough to change your life, provided that is what you want to do. I fear it'll only become more difficult as time goes on. But it is entirely your call.

This popped at random onto my Facebook page:

HampshireH

The biggest red flag is his attitude that if you don't like it leave.


That is not love. It shows no amount of care at all and indicates he would be quite happy waving you out the door if you said so.

That's not a healthy relationship. From the replies I'm getting the sense you will stay regardless of how you are treated.

And that's your choice of course but what will you do when you are no longer working and can afford to pay him rent?  Will you just wait till be told to leave then or will you put yourself even further into financial jeopardy by continuing to pay what you can't afford?

Accepting his behaviour just reenforces it.

[Deleted User]

Viking_warrior said:

So here I am trying to find a way to make it work on all fronts. still not found an answer lol despite 12 pages 

The answer isn't going to come from anyone else. You know the options available to you, and perhaps there are more relative benefits in staying (benefits to you that maybe wouldn't be benefits to others - the presumed loneliness you'd experience without him, for example), otherwise you would have left already or at least the answer would be clearer.

As @HampshireH stated, That's not a healthy relationship. From the replies I'm getting the sense you will stay regardless of how you are treated. Objectively, this does not seem like a healthy or loving relationship to the majority of people on the thread, but you're the one living it - you can choose to do something about it if his behaviour really upsets you, but it seems like you are not motivated to leave.

CookieMonster

Viking_warrior said:

I think I'd git to an age where uve started realising my situation isnt serving ME. but late to notice and not sure if have strentlgth or will to leave him as I've considered it many times but always decided my lifestyle and relationship arent that bad.... and could easily be worse... or very lonely. 

So here I am trying to find a way to make it work on all fronts. still not found an answer lol despite 12 pages 

The Known vs the Unknown.

You don't have the security you need within your relationship.
If discussion with your partner isn't possible, changing the situation (with him) will remain impossible.

Being alone isn't so bad, some people flourish by themselves.
It can be daunting at first, especially after a long time living with someone, but lots of people live alone.
If you have a few friends/a couple of hobbies, time passes quickly (and enjoyably).

It's not too late to make a change in your life - if you want to badly enough.

You've already taken the first step to fixing your issue by posting on this board.
Take another step.

Procrastination

I very rarely comment on threads as this section of the forum isn't usually so emotional but this has really got me. You are being walked all over and you might as well lay down in front of him and make it easier. He is benefitting financially from you every month and building himself a nice little pot, the fact that he makes you pay it in cash so there is no paper trail of your contributions shows how much he knows how to play the game to his advantage. That house as nice as it is will never be yours not even a portion of it because as long as you are in this situation you will never be able to save and he knows this. 

Option 1 - Pay half the bills, NO rent, NO improvements, build your own pot of money, take back some control

Option 2 - Remove yourself from the situation and reflect, you don't have to end it completely, take a break, move back into your flat, stop all contributions and gain some freedom back. 

It will be far from easy, it seems as soon as you have rocked the boat before he has been happy to show you where the door is. But assuming you've been paying rent the whole time you lived in both houses with him you have given this man over 70 thousand pounds which is almost the value of your flat and what do you have to show for it? 

Please do not let him continue to walk all over you for another 15 years, stand your ground, you are stronger than you think.

md258

If you'll get onto the deeds in his will, and you want that, I can think of a solution... Make sure you check that it hasn't been rewritten first though!

As a plus, you'll also be able to talk about whatever you want without him getting angry...


For anyone else in a similar situation, and looking for "fair" ideas, what me (earning about 2x) and my (now) wife did was:
I pay the mortgage and all house expenditure as it was my flat (service charge, ground rent, furniture). I also paid all of the household bills (although we probably should have split them)
We went half on the food- each paying in £x per month into a joint account.
She put her "rent" into a savings account (in her name). If we stayed together, that money would be thrown into the pot for buying together, if we broke up, she would have the money to get somewhere of her own.
If we wanted to go on holiday, I would always pay more, but she would plan it (which she enjoyed). I got an organised and researched holiday, she got to go to more places than we would otherwise have been able to go.

In the end, her pot of money was used to pay for our wedding and after that all our money was joint money in our individual accounts and is freely moved between us to get the best rates.

The key to this is communication, which from the sounds of the OP, doesn't exist.

wannabe_a_saver

HampshireH said:

The biggest red flag is his attitude that if you don't like it leave.

Its a classic manipulation technique.  

He gets to ignore all your concerns, worries and emotions with the 'get out' of 'well I'm honest, if you don't like it you are free to leave'.  It stops you seeing him as cruel or trying to mistreat you, and makes you more likely to carry on putting up with this cruel mistreatment because you start to believe you've chosen it!

GeordieGeorge

Viking_warrior said:..l

For the past 15 years I've been living with my partner unmarried in his fully owned properties. In both homes I've signed cohabitation agreements to say I have no stake or claim to his property at all, as he bought them outright himself. I've paid around £400 a month to him rent over this time as well as paying half insurance, all the gas and electric and all supermarket/cleaning shopping which ...
..l If I bring up my 'contributions' he gets very angry and states clearly they aren't contributions but gifts and I don't have a stake in his house.

So I'm nervous about my future. Do I accept it, realise I'm living a life in a beautiful house I could never afford for a small rent and stop feeling bitter, or alternatively find some way to make a lot of cash fast so I can buy with him debt free next time? Any ideas how to do this?

On the first bit, you’ve agreed that you have no stake in the house, but seem unhappy that your partner agrees with you on this. You can presumably understand that he’s not comfortable with you unilaterally and restrospectively deciding to change the deal.

As for the future, it seems likely to me (based only on what’s written, so of course I could be very wrong) that if your partner still wants to view the home that you both live in as “his” then the relationship still feels temporary to him.

Annabee

It is very clear that this 'man' has been manipulating you and exploiting you financially for 15 years. The getting you to pay things like groceries rather than things that would have more of an official record, so that it would be much harder to prove what contributions you've made... Very calculating. You could perhaps see a lawyer to explore whether there is any way to get compensation for some of the thousands you've put into him and his home. 

This is not a loving relationship. Do you think he'd help if you lost your job or (God forbid) became seriously ill? I'm so so sorry OP, but I really doubt it. You deserve better,and even being alone is better than being with someone like this. 

ScorpiondeRooftrouser

13 pages, but I can't see whether it has beeen established that the £400 a month + bills is 
a.  Over or under a market rent for a room in the area 
b. More or less than the rent the OP receives for their flat.

Without going into any of the relationship issues, the answers to these questions are fundamental in ascertaining whether it is a fair or a beneficial transaction for the OP on a purely financial basis. It could easily be that they are much better off financially living there than living in their own flat.
Whether it is a better deal for the OP's partner is quite another question.