Parents gave gift and took it away

RetSol

I feel betrayed

That is the key phrase in the original post.
I would like to hear from @Steiner_48 as to whether they are finding this thread in any way helpful.
I am curious about the wider picture regarding the family.  For example, are the siblings full-blood siblings or is the family of origin more complex? 

kaMelo

My points were not aimed at the OP, it's totally understandable they feel a little let down and treated unfairly.  What we don't know is why they did it and whilst unfair there may have been other reasons for doing so but just to be clear, even if there were other reasons, It is unfair what the parents did here, there is no debate on that point. 

Saying money is not something to fall out over is a blanket statement, I accept the reality is much more nuanced than that and there are scenario's when money is used in ways to control or punish but nothing in the OP's posts suggest that and indeed they state they have a good relationship and also get the potential consequences of challenging their parents when they state.

Steiner_48 said:

 I’m at a loss on what to do here, let it go to save a relationship with my parents or to take further action to fight for my family, and potentially damage the relationship forever.

All advice welcomed!

Maybe the parents situation has changed for the worse, maybe they just don't understand how their actions has made the OP feel.  Having a discussion about it could be a good thing done in the right way, explain how it's made you feel like you're being treated unfairly rather than coming across as "where's my wedge."

Even after all that the parents may not change their minds and so the choice comes, do you possibly ruin a family relationship over money? My own view, money is easy come easy go and you can always earn some more. Family, you've got what you've got and they can be gone much too soon.

wannabe_a_saver

justworriedabit said:

Keep_pedalling said:

wannabe_a_saver said:

kaMelo said:

Honestly I've never read such depressing posts in a long while. People offering suggestions to the OP ranging from being slightly miffed about it onto check they're not making up stories about you (Have we slipped into a Jeremy Kyle episode?) and eventually disowning them.
The parent's did what they did and whilst it's unfair it's only money, it comes and it goes. Parents are not around forever, the thought of spending the rest of their days in dispute/arguing with/not speaking to/disowning them because of money?   
Give me a break.

Its not only money though, its rarely actually about the money in these situations.   Its about the fact that they have treated the sister so much better and about the fact that they have essentially lied to/tricked the OP.  

Agree, it is far more than about money. They may have a reason not to make a gift, but they have no reason treat the OP in such a horrible way. They have been dishonest and hurtful and although the OP will probably will get over the loss of the money, the damage to the relationship with their parents is likely to be much longer lasting, and it is certainly detrimental to their mental well-being. 

I've yet to meet a really "horrible" parent/s. 

Lucky you.  They definitely exist, ask anybody who's ever worked with kids. 

Keep_pedalling

kaMelo said:

My points were not aimed at the OP, it's totally understandable they feel a little let down and treated unfairly.  What we don't know is why they did it and whilst unfair there may have been other reasons for doing so but just to be clear, even if there were other reasons, It is unfair what the parents did here, there is no debate on that point. 

Saying money is not something to fall out over is a blanket statement, I accept the reality is much more nuanced than that and there are scenario's when money is used in ways to control or punish but nothing in the OP's posts suggest that and indeed they state they have a good relationship and also get the potential consequences of challenging their parents when they state.

Steiner_48 said:

 I’m at a loss on what to do here, let it go to save a relationship with my parents or to take further action to fight for my family, and potentially damage the relationship forever.

All advice welcomed!

Maybe the parents situation has changed for the worse, maybe they just don't understand how their actions has made the OP feel.  Having a discussion about it could be a good thing done in the right way, explain how it's made you feel like you're being treated unfairly rather than coming across as "where's my wedge."

Even after all that the parents may not change their minds and so the choice comes, do you possibly ruin a family relationship over money? My own view, money is easy come easy go and you can always earn some more. Family, you've got what you've got and they can be gone much too soon.

If that was true why are they hanging on to the second house as a second home. People with financial issues don’t tend to have a second home. 

justworriedabit

Keep_pedalling said:

justworriedabit said:

Keep_pedalling said:

wannabe_a_saver said:

kaMelo said:

Honestly I've never read such depressing posts in a long while. People offering suggestions to the OP ranging from being slightly miffed about it onto check they're not making up stories about you (Have we slipped into a Jeremy Kyle episode?) and eventually disowning them.
The parent's did what they did and whilst it's unfair it's only money, it comes and it goes. Parents are not around forever, the thought of spending the rest of their days in dispute/arguing with/not speaking to/disowning them because of money?   
Give me a break.

Its not only money though, its rarely actually about the money in these situations.   Its about the fact that they have treated the sister so much better and about the fact that they have essentially lied to/tricked the OP.  

Agree, it is far more than about money. They may have a reason not to make a gift, but they have no reason treat the OP in such a horrible way. They have been dishonest and hurtful and although the OP will probably will get over the loss of the money, the damage to the relationship with their parents is likely to be much longer lasting, and it is certainly detrimental to their mental well-being. 

Good morning
The highlighted bit.  You don't know that and I've yet to meet a really "horrible" parent/s. A lot of children may think their parents may not be doing the right thing as it does not got their way but your comments are well off the mark, IMO.

Let's look at it like this. I guess like the OP, I would never ask my parents for any money let alone a massive amount. Should they have done what the OP's done which mine have not, I guess I'd be a bit miffed, say something to parents - I may be or not may be happy with what they say but the bottom line, it is the parents money and I, not you, or anyone else here knows the real reason why they have not kept their promise and I very much doubt it it's to do with being "horrible."
IMO, the parents may be very hurt, distressed and it may get worse if OP keeps on at them but in no way are they being, "horrible."
Situations change and I reiterate I and my family never promise anything until it's as good as done.

I never said the parents were horrible, but they have acted horribly, both through the unequal treatment and in breaking a promise of financial support. I also have two children and both now have very small children and I would feel a total shi Thursday if I had done this to one of them.

Thank you for the clarification but even "acted horribly" is IMHO not right. You will agree that all of us other than the OP does not know what the parents circumstances are. For that reason, unless their was evidence stated by the OP that they had  don bad things to the OP, the parents are not and have not acted in the way you have stated.
Would you agree that the parents may be in trouble, worried re their future income etc or it could be something they now feel where they can't keep their word? If you do, then they are not what you said.

I'm not trying to catch you out/etc, just saying what I feel. Should you still disagree, your prerogative and no hard feelings.
Thanks

Keep_pedalling

justworriedabit said:

Keep_pedalling said:

justworriedabit said:

Keep_pedalling said:

wannabe_a_saver said:

kaMelo said:

Honestly I've never read such depressing posts in a long while. People offering suggestions to the OP ranging from being slightly miffed about it onto check they're not making up stories about you (Have we slipped into a Jeremy Kyle episode?) and eventually disowning them.
The parent's did what they did and whilst it's unfair it's only money, it comes and it goes. Parents are not around forever, the thought of spending the rest of their days in dispute/arguing with/not speaking to/disowning them because of money?   
Give me a break.

Its not only money though, its rarely actually about the money in these situations.   Its about the fact that they have treated the sister so much better and about the fact that they have essentially lied to/tricked the OP.  

Agree, it is far more than about money. They may have a reason not to make a gift, but they have no reason treat the OP in such a horrible way. They have been dishonest and hurtful and although the OP will probably will get over the loss of the money, the damage to the relationship with their parents is likely to be much longer lasting, and it is certainly detrimental to their mental well-being. 

Good morning
The highlighted bit.  You don't know that and I've yet to meet a really "horrible" parent/s. A lot of children may think their parents may not be doing the right thing as it does not got their way but your comments are well off the mark, IMO.

Let's look at it like this. I guess like the OP, I would never ask my parents for any money let alone a massive amount. Should they have done what the OP's done which mine have not, I guess I'd be a bit miffed, say something to parents - I may be or not may be happy with what they say but the bottom line, it is the parents money and I, not you, or anyone else here knows the real reason why they have not kept their promise and I very much doubt it it's to do with being "horrible."
IMO, the parents may be very hurt, distressed and it may get worse if OP keeps on at them but in no way are they being, "horrible."
Situations change and I reiterate I and my family never promise anything until it's as good as done.

I never said the parents were horrible, but they have acted horribly, both through the unequal treatment and in breaking a promise of financial support. I also have two children and both now have very small children and I would feel a total shi Thursday if I had done this to one of them.

Thank you for the clarification but even "acted horribly" is IMHO not right. You will agree that all of us other than the OP does not know what the parents circumstances are. For that reason, unless their was evidence stated by the OP that they had  don bad things to the OP, the parents are not and have not acted in the way you have stated.
Would you agree that the parents may be in trouble, worried re their future income etc or it could be something they now feel where they can't keep their word? If you do, then they are not what you said.

I'm not trying to catch you out/etc, just saying what I feel. Should you still disagree, your prerogative and no hard feelings.
Thanks

As always we are working on limited information from one side only. Based on the info we have been given I have to stick with my view on what is really a very odd situation, but there indeed may be other reasons they have acted in the way they have.

Pollycat

justworriedabit said:

Thank you for the clarification but even "acted horribly" is IMHO not right. You will agree that all of us other than the OP does not know what the parents circumstances are. For that reason, unless their was evidence stated by the OP that they had  don bad things to the OP, the parents are not and have not acted in the way you have stated.
Would you agree that the parents may be in trouble, worried re their future income etc or it could be something they now feel where they can't keep their word? If you do, then they are not what you said.

I'm not trying to catch you out/etc, just saying what I feel. Should you still disagree, your prerogative and no hard feelings.
Thanks

IMHO, to give £100K to one child and promise a second child £100K but 'advise' them to put said £100K into a second home and then refuse to sell that home to release the £100K because they 'they like having a second home' is a really nasty thing to do.

You may disagree with the use of the words 'horrible' or 'acted horribly' but I think their actions are even worse than that description.

There is no evidence that the parents are in trouble or worried about their future income etc.

As you say, it's a poster's prerogative to agree or disagree.

I'm firmly with Keep pedalling on this one.

And definitely no hard feelings here. I sometimes disagree with my friends in RL so to do so with a random stranger on a public forum is no big deal.

justworriedabit

Keep_pedalling said:

justworriedabit said:

Keep_pedalling said:

justworriedabit said:

Keep_pedalling said:

wannabe_a_saver said:

kaMelo said:

Honestly I've never read such depressing posts in a long while. People offering suggestions to the OP ranging from being slightly miffed about it onto check they're not making up stories about you (Have we slipped into a Jeremy Kyle episode?) and eventually disowning them.
The parent's did what they did and whilst it's unfair it's only money, it comes and it goes. Parents are not around forever, the thought of spending the rest of their days in dispute/arguing with/not speaking to/disowning them because of money?   
Give me a break.

Its not only money though, its rarely actually about the money in these situations.   Its about the fact that they have treated the sister so much better and about the fact that they have essentially lied to/tricked the OP.  

Agree, it is far more than about money. They may have a reason not to make a gift, but they have no reason treat the OP in such a horrible way. They have been dishonest and hurtful and although the OP will probably will get over the loss of the money, the damage to the relationship with their parents is likely to be much longer lasting, and it is certainly detrimental to their mental well-being. 

Good morning
The highlighted bit.  You don't know that and I've yet to meet a really "horrible" parent/s. A lot of children may think their parents may not be doing the right thing as it does not got their way but your comments are well off the mark, IMO.

Let's look at it like this. I guess like the OP, I would never ask my parents for any money let alone a massive amount. Should they have done what the OP's done which mine have not, I guess I'd be a bit miffed, say something to parents - I may be or not may be happy with what they say but the bottom line, it is the parents money and I, not you, or anyone else here knows the real reason why they have not kept their promise and I very much doubt it it's to do with being "horrible."
IMO, the parents may be very hurt, distressed and it may get worse if OP keeps on at them but in no way are they being, "horrible."
Situations change and I reiterate I and my family never promise anything until it's as good as done.

I never said the parents were horrible, but they have acted horribly, both through the unequal treatment and in breaking a promise of financial support. I also have two children and both now have very small children and I would feel a total shi Thursday if I had done this to one of them.

Thank you for the clarification but even "acted horribly" is IMHO not right. You will agree that all of us other than the OP does not know what the parents circumstances are. For that reason, unless their was evidence stated by the OP that they had  don bad things to the OP, the parents are not and have not acted in the way you have stated.
Would you agree that the parents may be in trouble, worried re their future income etc or it could be something they now feel where they can't keep their word? If you do, then they are not what you said.

I'm not trying to catch you out/etc, just saying what I feel. Should you still disagree, your prerogative and no hard feelings.
Thanks

As always we are working on limited information from one side only. Based on the info we have been given I have to stick with my view on what is really a very odd situation, but there indeed may be other reasons they have acted in the way they have.

Thank you and not a problem. As I said it is your prerogative and I've
heard you, respect you for your stance but I too will stick to what I said.
It was good interacting with you.
Have a good evening.

Gycraig

Yes the parents are being horrible, they gave one kid 100k to do what they want with,  then they gave other kid 100k but advised him to invest it in a property with them. 

Who gave what is irrelevant there’s 100k of his money + equity tied up in a second house his parents refuse to sell so he can buy the house he wants. It isn’t there money anymore it’s ops money as they gave him it. 

Parents keeping a 2nd home which is stopping there child from buying there first house while legally there probably fine, morally is horrible. 

If my parents gave me 100k then stole it back to help them keep a second home I’d cut them off completely 

would love to know which “negative change of circumstances “ makes you dig your heels in on selling a second home that sounds like it’s heavily floating in equity 

Steiner_48

justworriedabit said:

Keep_pedalling said:

justworriedabit said:

Keep_pedalling said:

wannabe_a_saver said:

kaMelo said:

Honestly I've never read such depressing posts in a long while. People offering suggestions to the OP ranging from being slightly miffed about it onto check they're not making up stories about you (Have we slipped into a Jeremy Kyle episode?) and eventually disowning them.
The parent's did what they did and whilst it's unfair it's only money, it comes and it goes. Parents are not around forever, the thought of spending the rest of their days in dispute/arguing with/not speaking to/disowning them because of money?   
Give me a break.

Its not only money though, its rarely actually about the money in these situations.   Its about the fact that they have treated the sister so much better and about the fact that they have essentially lied to/tricked the OP.  

Agree, it is far more than about money. They may have a reason not to make a gift, but they have no reason treat the OP in such a horrible way. They have been dishonest and hurtful and although the OP will probably will get over the loss of the money, the damage to the relationship with their parents is likely to be much longer lasting, and it is certainly detrimental to their mental well-being. 

Good morning
The highlighted bit.  You don't know that and I've yet to meet a really "horrible" parent/s. A lot of children may think their parents may not be doing the right thing as it does not got their way but your comments are well off the mark, IMO.

Let's look at it like this. I guess like the OP, I would never ask my parents for any money let alone a massive amount. Should they have done what the OP's done which mine have not, I guess I'd be a bit miffed, say something to parents - I may be or not may be happy with what they say but the bottom line, it is the parents money and I, not you, or anyone else here knows the real reason why they have not kept their promise and I very much doubt it it's to do with being "horrible."
IMO, the parents may be very hurt, distressed and it may get worse if OP keeps on at them but in no way are they being, "horrible."
Situations change and I reiterate I and my family never promise anything until it's as good as done.

I never said the parents were horrible, but they have acted horribly, both through the unequal treatment and in breaking a promise of financial support. I also have two children and both now have very small children and I would feel a total shi Thursday if I had done this to one of them.

Thank you for the clarification but even "acted horribly" is IMHO not right. You will agree that all of us other than the OP does not know what the parents circumstances are. For that reason, unless their was evidence stated by the OP that they had  don bad things to the OP, the parents are not and have not acted in the way you have stated.
Would you agree that the parents may be in trouble, worried re their future income etc or it could be something they now feel where they can't keep their word? If you do, then they are not what you said.

I'm not trying to catch you out/etc, just saying what I feel. Should you still disagree, your prerogative and no hard feelings.
Thanks

My parents have no financial difficulties, not that they have mentioned anyway. They travel often, at least 4 times a year (pre Covid), always shop premium brands and enjoy the finer things in life, which they have always talked about being lucky enough to afford. I would say they are likely wealthier than they let on to me, as they themselves received a fairly good inheritance and financial/childcare help from their own parents. However, they do like to spend half the year in different homes, so I think they would struggle letting go of their second home emotionally as I think it reflects a certain status for them. It’s a tough realisation to come to that my parents are “horrible”, but I do question daily how this has happened and why as I am yet to have a solid answer. I have aired my feelings on how unfair it is on two different occasions, and both times I got told they didn’t want to hear that I am hurt, and that I should be grateful for what they have done throughout my childhood (specifically mentioned that they paid for sports lessons and driving lessons!). Both my parents refuse to discuss my sister as they feel just in giving her £100k for her own reasons (they have also loaned her a further £30k which I found out recently but they have decided to write it off!). My sister is 4 years older than me, she is their golden child and earns a lot more money than I do in her career, plus she has no dependents. She also refused to attend my wedding a few years ago (as she didn’t want to travel) and my parents backed her up on this which again hurt my feelings, so I have always fallen to the bottom of the pecking order! It’s a sad situation and has definitely taken a huge toll on my mental health, which I have told them and they didn’t seem to care....