Arguing over a house move - who's being unreasonable

Ditzy_Mitzy

Mojisola said:

Apart from all the other reasons that the move would be a bad idea, how many people would bother driving out to the cottage to have their dogs groomed when they could find another groomer in the town you'd have moved from?

Especially when one considers that she is a relative beginner in the field.  It's quite probable that dog owners will travel to see a renowned groomer, however whether they will do the same for an inexperienced one is debatable.  
Where's the money coming from to set it up?  Is she expecting to live off it or run the thing as a hobby?

sheramber

justworriedabit said:

Mojisola said:

Apart from all the other reasons that the move would be a bad idea, how many people would bother driving out to the cottage to have their dogs groomed when they could find another groomer in the town you'd have moved from?

Mojisola said:

Apart from all the other reasons that the move would be a bad idea, how many people would bother driving out to the cottage to have their dogs groomed when they could find another groomer in the town you'd have moved from?

though we have never kept dogs, how often on average are "dogs groomed" in a typical week?

Dogs are generally groomed every 12 weeks. Some breeds more often , some less.
But it does entail leaving your dog with the groomer for the time it takes to brush, wash, trim and dry. One of mine took one hour but the other needed two hours. So they were there for three hours. 
I was lucky that my groomer only did one families dogs at a time. Some do more than one at time so are shuttling between the two, jus t like a hairdresser does.
Owners do not usually stay with the dog as they behave better without 'mummy' there.
 if the groomer is out in the country what does the owner do for a few hours on a wet and windy, cold day, never mind the fuel costs. A groomer in town will be much more convenient.

gettingtheresometime

Savvy_Sue said:

justworriedabit said:

It is time you put your foot down. However, you may want to accept the move if your partner did all of the chasing etc that goes in with house moves and then made your new house into a home.

I don't think I'd accept it even on those terms, but I've long since accepted that if I want something to happen, I'm going to have to do the running around. When we moved here, I did all the initial scanning of properties, because he 'didn't have time' - or just didn't get around to it. 

However it does make me wonder whether anything will happen if the OP starts the cracked record technique of "I am not doing anything about moving house" and left his partner to her own devices. Might she find out the reality that way? Without you actually actively obstructing her? 

But talking is needed to save this relationship ... 

I did think of suggesting that the  OP views this cottage so the issues are realistic ones rather than let the partner think he's being obstructive. However, having said that I think the partner would see viewing the cottage as there being a tiny possibility that he can be persuaded/nagged/coerced into moving. so I think the discussion, at least for now, needs to be shut down quite firmly.

justworriedabit

sheramber said:

justworriedabit said:

Mojisola said:

Apart from all the other reasons that the move would be a bad idea, how many people would bother driving out to the cottage to have their dogs groomed when they could find another groomer in the town you'd have moved from?

Mojisola said:

Apart from all the other reasons that the move would be a bad idea, how many people would bother driving out to the cottage to have their dogs groomed when they could find another groomer in the town you'd have moved from?

though we have never kept dogs, how often on average are "dogs groomed" in a typical week?

Dogs are generally groomed every 12 weeks. Some breeds more often , some less.
But it does entail leaving your dog with the groomer for the time it takes to brush, wash, trim and dry. One of mine took one hour but the other needed two hours. So they were there for three hours. 
I was lucky that my groomer only did one families dogs at a time. Some do more than one at time so are shuttling between the two, jus t like a hairdresser does.
Owners do not usually stay with the dog as they behave better without 'mummy' there.
 if the groomer is out in the country what does the owner do for a few hours on a wet and windy, cold day, never mind the fuel costs. A groomer in town will be much more convenient.

Thanks, very informative/helpful.  So on average once every three months IMHO is no big deal and it's not a case of it being an urgency but one of mere grooming, therefore waiting another couple of weeks is no big deal IMO
I recall seeing a tv show once where they did mobile grooming for pets.
IMO, OP and his partner need to have a serious chat and I hope it works out as the guy seem cool.

74jax

How are the children in this, do they hear the arguments for instance or is it when they are in bed.  DO they know mam has told dad move or I'll leave you for example.  Have they expressed anything to show they are worried.  Ultimately I believe a child will find stability when their parent's are stable, do they know they may be sharing a room?
The glaring point to me is the ultimatum, that your partner is forcing your hand, but if you are willing to look beyond that, and the children are against it, your partners mother is against it and you are too, I'm failing to see how she is so adamant it's a good idea,  If however the children are all excited, the mother is pushing for it and your wife wants it, I can see why maybe she can't see your side (I'm with you 100% by the way, I think I'm just trying to find why she is so adamant it's a good idea). 

MrBrindle

Ditzy_Mitzy said:

Mojisola said:

Apart from all the other reasons that the move would be a bad idea, how many people would bother driving out to the cottage to have their dogs groomed when they could find another groomer in the town you'd have moved from?

Especially when one considers that she is a relative beginner in the field.  It's quite probable that dog owners will travel to see a renowned groomer, however whether they will do the same for an inexperienced one is debatable.  
Where's the money coming from to set it up?  Is she expecting to live off it or run the thing as a hobby?

She has borrowed money from her mum to help buy the equipment.

And it is to become (hopefully) her main source of income, otherwise she will need to find another job. She has had to use savings numerous times over the past year to pay vet bills for the older horse, as it's got chronic health issues. We, or she, can't afford to do that forever.  I do hope it does become succesfull, as she is good with animals and it's always been her passion to work with them. Her job before having children was an assistant/trainer in a dog boarding kennels.

And yes, I agree that living out in the sticks will deter potential clients.

justworriedabit

OP, just read the most recent post of yours. I really do hope it works out for all of you.

MrBrindle

74jax said:

How are the children in this, do they hear the arguments for instance or is it when they are in bed.  DO they know mam has told dad move or I'll leave you for example.  Have they expressed anything to show they are worried.  Ultimately I believe a child will find stability when their parent's are stable, do they know they may be sharing a room?
The glaring point to me is the ultimatum, that your partner is forcing your hand, but if you are willing to look beyond that, and the children are against it, your partners mother is against it and you are too, I'm failing to see how she is so adamant it's a good idea,  If however the children are all excited, the mother is pushing for it and your wife wants it, I can see why maybe she can't see your side (I'm with you 100% by the way, I think I'm just trying to find why she is so adamant it's a good idea). 

We've only had two arguments about it, the second was the only blazing one.  My personal opinion is that children need stability in times like these, they have a playroom and share a bedroom here so that's fine. My eldest is already unsettled after returning to school because the school have split her up from her friends (she has higher ability than them apparently), so a house move would be unfair on top of that now. Her best friend has also just moved back into town and she's been excited about that. 

She's adamant it's a good idea because:
a/ It's cheaper to run - smaller house
b/ Land for the horses, less outgoings on livery
c/ Less maintenance ( although more maintenance outside )
d/ It's an area she grew up in (her mum hated it as it was her dads idea to move there)
e/ In her opinion, it's a better lifestyle for the children

But mainly, this is a heart over mind thing. And she cannot see my idea to hold on for a few years when hopefully we'll both be earning more money between us and can afford somewhere more practical in terms of house space. The crux here is that she's happy to downsize house from a 4 bed to a 2 bed to afford land, and I'm not. 

I may sound selfish here, but you do get used to living in a certain sized house. Our first house was a tiny cottage, where we had one open plan living space downstairs and two bedrooms upstairs. Living in that sort of space again but with the addition of children sounds like a nightmare imo - the house we're in already feels small at times!

And again, without sounding selfish, I do not want to through another big life change again. Like I mentioned earlier, the last move triggered me to have a nervous breakdown, and coupled with redundancy during covid I've found myself again to be struggling mentally. I do fear another move, especially one which I'm not happy about will push me closer to the edge again.

MrBrindle

justworriedabit said:

Hello OP
I've read your post and a just a few others but not the whole thread.
You have IMO bent over backwards to please your partner.
It is time you put your foot down. However, you may want to accept the move if your partner did all of the chasing etc that goes in with house moves and then made your new house into a home.
You need to remind her that though you love her I am safely assuming, you too have your needs, pressures, life, free time and possible worries and what and what you don't like and the practicalities of everything.
With her health problems of past you may not want to blow up this volatile situation and move but agree beforehand that this move is the last for a while unless you are unhappy there.
Forgive me, but I sense something like one or both of you have had enough. Sorry if I am wrong but take it from me, marriage, living together is hard work most of the time especially when we are all working, earning money, paying bills, paying taxes etc for our governments to throw away for political reasons, etc.
Before I go from this thread, as you know moving can be very, very stressful and who needs that unless it is a must and in your case it is not, well not for you.
Take care and I hope it works out for all of you.

Hey, thanks for suggesting I was cool btw, it's nice to hear that!

I probably have approached things wrong when it comes to discussions more recently, and you're right, I have probably had enough of the constant changes in life, and just want stability. My partner even suggested that the reason I don't want to move is because I'm sensitive to change. Fair enough, I don't mind that. But it has come to a point when there's been too much change for me. Moving house so often, moved jobs 3 times, having children, losing family members. Perhaps I am sensitive, but I don't think I'm taking this sensitively because everyone knows how stressful a house move is. 

Sea_Shell

There's a massive difference between being resistant to change and wanting a period of stability after too many changes.

You've done "change", now you want stable, not more change!!

It would be different if you'd lived in the same house for 10+ years and still didn't want to move.

Let this rolling stone gather some moss for a bit!