Arguing over a house move - who's being unreasonable

Pollycat

MrBrindle said:

Pollycat said:

MrBrindle said:

Regarding enjoying her life on a smallholding, I'm not sure.

She had a traumatic childhood - from mid primary school into her teens. Her father not only sturggled with his bipolar disorder, but also became quite a nasty piece regardless of his illness. (My father was also bipolar, was never nasty, but a kind man). They also moved around 3/4 times due to jobs. Her parents divorced because he refused his medication and became permanently volatile and abusive

I think she liked the smallholding life because she could escape into the grounds to avoid her father, that's my take on it anyway. 

Regarding bring a serial mover, she's already said that maybe one day in the future we can move closer to my mums if we can afford it. So she's not even seeing this house as a forever home!

We need to have some very deep conversations as we're both clearly heading in different directions with life.

Does she think she's going to do the same with you?
Does she realise how hard work running a small-holding will be?

I dont think she does. We already have a big garden and she rarely does anything outdoors apart from her poly tunnel and a few flower pots. I know it may be a
'mans job' anyway, but I do all of mowing, hedge trimming, weeding, clearing leaves  etc. So I'm assuming that it will be down to me to tend to the land if we move. 

Oh no it's not a man's job. 
Me & OH share all those garden jobs.

I can see why your wife gets her own way.
You seem half-resigned to this move going ahead.
And accepting all the additional time, work and inconvenience associated with it.

pearl123

I admit I haven't  read the whole thread. Your wife is prioritising her horses over her family. It's not normal. 

Scorpio33

Having read what you've put, one word comes to mind: compromise.

So if you think of ideally what you would have - it would probably be 4 bed, near your family etc etc.
Then she thinks about what she wants.

Then think about how both of you are compromising. Clearly you are not near your family, but what has she compromised? 


Any move needs to be what is right for the family as a whole, not just her. It seems its all about her dreams and what she wants and how you are holding her back. Well you could easily say she is holding you back. The point is, she needs to understand she needs to compromise, and listing your ideal situation out may make her realise exactly how much you are compromising already.

sheramber

She doesn't want to move away from her friends but it is okay for you and the children to move away from your/their friends.

Have you asked her why that is okay?

Rising costs  of fuel will make the school run more expensive. Who is going to be doing this school run?

What about afters school and weekend activities?

Any move has to  be agreeable for everyone.

I think you realise your wife's demands are  not helping your health.

Things need  to be sorted  out once and for all  instead of her keeping chipping away at you.

Time for some serious discussion about the future.

j2009

It sounds like as a family you haven't found a place where you feel content.

I think you should give some very serious positive thought to moving to a house with a bit of land. If your wife doesn't feel settled then perhaps she doesn't put the effort into the garden at your current house because her heart's not in it; maybe it isn't fair to observe how she is now and assume she won't immerse herself in a house she loves.

I have to wonder if your wife was happier maybe you would be too. I'm not judging you, your wife or your relationship but if one person isn't happy, even if they try to hide it, then it will dampen a relationship. Of course that works both ways, if making her happier makes you unhappy then that's not ideal.

However, right now maybe you are only seeing the negatives. If you suffer from anxiety/depression then that's very normal and is of course the whole reason behind CBT; to help think more clearly and rationally.

Now I'm not saying you're not rational or saying you're wrong. What I am asking you to consider is whether the positives could outweigh the negatives. Could a move actually make your wife more settled, would that in turn strengthen your relationship? Would it give your kids a special childhood? Would looking after a bit of land give you and your family a greater sense of purpose and healthier lifestyle? 

If on a day-to-day basis you all felt better and more positive would it make the 20min extra commute worth it?

To be clear, I'm not judging (I have no right) so I'm not saying you're wrong but flip the problem round and think about all the positives and see how you feel.

london21

Constantly moving can be unsettling for you and the kids.

I do think your wife is the unreasonable one here.

Hopefully you can both come to a mutual agreement.

TripleH

I lost my father 3 years ago. It took about a year for me to process and accept that (but not really).

I am pretty sure I came close to a mini breakdown this year when we unexpectedly lost our oldest cat and I probably grieved for both her and my father properly. So just because you think you're over it doesn't mean it won't hit you again.

Have you priced up the work and written down what needs to happen to bring any new home up to your requirements? How long will it realistically be before you can get people in to do any work required?

Maybe explaining that for her to have her 'dream' home for now will mean no x, no y, horse having to still live elsewhere because no home can be built for x months.

Maybe suggest your mother come live with you in your new home?

It sorts the travel issue and kids getting to school. It might also change your partner's mind?