Arguing over a house move - who's being unreasonable

sheramber

B careful how you introduce the matter of the loan bing repaid as she may consider you have been conspiring against her. 

Pollycat

sheramber said:

B careful how you introduce the matter of the loan bing repaid as she may consider you have been conspiring against her. 

I wouldn't even mention it.

MrBrindle

No, of course I wouldn't mention it myself. I will let her and the MIL thrash that one out if it it ever comes to that!

justworriedabit

OP
Having just read your latest posts since my last visit here, IMHO you are even more lovely, kinder and pragmatic that I intially thought.
I hope it works out for you, soon.

MrBrindle

Hi all, I'm back again! We never moved in the end, but unfortunately (well for me), this subject has raised it's head again recently.

So, a lot has happened over the past year. My uncle (my dads brother) died of pancreatic cancer in June last year, then my dad collapsed and died suddenly merely a month later from undiagnosed liver cancer (ruptured tumour). It's been a hard year for us as a family, and even though my dad died just over a year ago, I still miss him, everyday. He was my best friend, and I've been very depressed over the year.

My partner has now started bringing up the subject of moving again. She only has one horse now, the other died 4 months ago, but she still wants somewhere with land. She's been keeping an eye on the market and realised that houses are cheaper further east. Now I'm not against moving, I wouldn't mind being a little bit closer to my mum as I want to ensure I'm close by when/if she needs help in the future as she gets older. However my mum lives 40 minutes west from us, and the area my partner has been looking at is a further 15/20 minutes from my mum. Now I know that doesnt sound like a lot, but that turns a journey to see my mum into almost an hour if traffic is bad (usually is), and is also inconvenient for her as she's the one that comes and helps us with school runs and child sitting when needed. My MIL who lives 5 minutes down the road rarely helps us.

She's actually found a house further east which is within budget and would suit HER needs, but I've told her numerous times that I'm not moving further away from my mum - even if it's only 15/20 minutes.  It all adds up on journeys - and worse when there's traffic. I come from a family that always help each other out, and who look after our parents/elders. However my partner sees this as me choosing my mum over her and the kids' needs.  The kids will also be 15/20 minutes away from their friends out in the countryside, and there's also the school run (should we keep the kids in the same school), so I don't see how moving would improve their lives.

Ironically there have been 2 properties nearly within budget around where my mum lives, however my partner has categorically said she's never moving back to that area as none of her friends and family lives there, yet expects me to move further away again?!

Again, same question as before. Am I being unreasonable? My partner claims I am nuts for completely disregarding this 'opportunity'. I feel the only reason we're moving is to accommodate her horse. 

elsien

I’m sorry to read about the loss of your dad, that must have been hard.
I’d suggest reminding yourself of the previous points raised because aside from being one horse down it doesn’t sound as if much else has changed. 
Moving further away from your support systems doesn’t seem the wisest move at the moment, and I completely get how much difference that extra 20 minutes each way would make for you and your mum. 

How does your partner see moving as meeting your children’s needs? Can she be specific about what would be better for them? Has she investigated school and childcare at all?
On the face of it you’re not being unreasonable but I guess it’s thinking if anything else has changed for the rest of your family in the interim? 

Did you get any counselling for the two of you, or discuss that at all? 

Pollycat

Sorry for your loss.
I'm still dealing with the death of my Mum almost a year on.

I still don't think you are being the unreasonable one.

Your wife is considering putting your Mum under pressure to travel 1 hour each way to help with your children.
What if your Mum decides that's a step too far? Who will step in to help?
You are already thinking about your Mum's potential needs as she gets older.

It really doesn't sound like she is seriously considering the children's needs.
She's just using them as ammunition to guilt-trip you into agreeing to a house move.

How will a move impact on your wife's dog-grooming business?

MrBrindle

elsien said:

I’m sorry to read about the loss of your dad, that must have been hard.
I’d suggest reminding yourself of the previous points raised because aside from being one horse down it doesn’t sound as if much else has changed. 
Moving further away from your support systems doesn’t seem the wisest move at the moment, and I completely get how much difference that extra 20 minutes each way would make for you and your mum. 

How does your partner see moving as meeting your children’s needs? Can she be specific about what would be better for them? Has she investigated school and childcare at all?
On the face of it you’re not being unreasonable but I guess it’s thinking if anything else has changed for the rest of your family in the interim? 

Did you get any counselling for the two of you, or discuss that at all? 

Thanks for the reply.

She thinks moving to a smallholding thing in the countryside will be better as she grew up on one for around 10 years when younger before her parents divorced and sold it. She expects to still keep the children in the same school, which will probably be a 20+ minute commute each way with the school traffic and parking.

Hasn't given her business much thought, but thinks some people will be willing to travel to her new location.

Not sure what you mean about the bit I've bolded sorry?

No, didn't get counselling in the end. My uncle became gravely ill shortly after these discussions so she decided to pull back on her demands. I've personally been for counselling because of the grief and depression after losing my father as well.

MrBrindle

Pollycat said:

Sorry for your loss.
I'm still dealing with the death of my Mum almost a year on.

I still don't think you are being the unreasonable one.

Your wife is considering putting your Mum under pressure to travel 1 hour each way to help with your children.
What if your Mum decides that's a step too far? Who will step in to help?
You are already thinking about your Mum's potential needs as she gets older.

It really doesn't sound like she is seriously considering the children's needs.
She's just using them as ammunition to guilt-trip you into agreeing to a house move.

How will a move impact on your wife's dog-grooming business?

I think my mum will struggle. The new house/area is down a busy dual carriageway, and a few difficult roundabouts as well, and my mum has already expressed that she gets nervous driving on busy roads like that.

Not sure about the business tbh. She thinks some customers will be happy to drive the extra distance but others not. Parking will also be an issue at this new house because it's a shared drive on a B road and no scope to make extra parking. 

She hasn't really thought it all through, she just has the blinkers on when she sees a solution for her and her horse and everything else doesn't matter.

pinkshoes

Why are you and your partner together?

From what you write, it gives me the impression that she doesn't seem to like compromise, so it's either what she wants or put up with her sulking. She seems to expect you and the kids to compromise on everything, yet not to compromise herself. She sounds VERY selfish. Her horse seems to take priority over the rest of the family! PND issues still? Or was she always like this?

Sorry about the loss of your dad and uncle. Sounds like a good compromise would be a move NEARER your mum. Your wife then gets the small holding and you can support your mum more. Is there a good school there?