Arguing over a house move - who's being unreasonable

Pollycat

MrBrindle said:

Pollycat said:

Sorry for your loss.
I'm still dealing with the death of my Mum almost a year on.

I still don't think you are being the unreasonable one.

Your wife is considering putting your Mum under pressure to travel 1 hour each way to help with your children.
What if your Mum decides that's a step too far? Who will step in to help?
You are already thinking about your Mum's potential needs as she gets older.

It really doesn't sound like she is seriously considering the children's needs.
She's just using them as ammunition to guilt-trip you into agreeing to a house move.

How will a move impact on your wife's dog-grooming business?

I think my mum will struggle. The new house/area is down a busy dual carriageway, and a few difficult roundabouts as well, and my mum has already expressed that she gets nervous driving on busy roads like that.

Not sure about the business tbh. She thinks some customers will be happy to drive the extra distance but others not. Parking will also be an issue at this new house because it's a shared drive on a B road and no scope to make extra parking. 

She hasn't really thought it all through, she just has the blinkers on when she sees a solution for her and her horse and everything else doesn't matter.

Have you discussed this potential move with your Mum?
She may say 'if you do move, I'll not be providing any child care'.
That might sound like blackmail to some people but I don't see it like that.
It's just stating what you, your wife and kids' lives will look like if this move goes ahead.

She really does sound like she's in La La Land.

MrBrindle

pinkshoes said:

Why are you and your partner together?

From what you write, it gives me the impression that she doesn't seem to like compromise, so it's either what she wants or put up with her sulking. She seems to expect you and the kids to compromise on everything, yet not to compromise herself. She sounds VERY selfish. Her horse seems to take priority over the rest of the family! PND issues still? Or was she always like this?

Sorry about the loss of your dad and uncle. Sounds like a good compromise would be a move NEARER your mum. Your wife then gets the small holding and you can support your mum more. Is there a good school there?

I've been asking that question myself sometimes these days.

She's always been very flighty and somewhat selfish with her needs, although she has improved a lot since having the kids. 

She did have PND with both children, which resulted in her buying another horse that she couldn't really afford and us moving house quite needlessly. Thankfully those days are gone and she's better now and more in tune with things.

Back in the early days, I was a 'yes man', and agreed to everything she wanted and did. My family used to joke that I was a pushover and soft. However after I spent thousands trying to make the previous house 'nicer' for her, only for her to still push on and sell it (wasting my money) because she wasn't happy there, I clamped down a lot. Because her mum and dad were very well off, she's never been great with money (spends too much), but unfortunately she, or we, should I say don't earn a fifth of what they would have been on.

Yes, there are very good schools around my mum. It's a more rural area, but it has more of a sense of community.  

Unfortunately I also have my demons, have struggled with quite bad anxiety for 5 years, and now depression after losing my dad. I haven't been easy to live with recently. I do sometimes think my anxiety is down to my partners' behaviour and demands.

She will never move that back way though because I have TOO much family there and she wants her own space. Also ironically, she wants to be close to her mum as well.

Pollycat

MrBrindle said:

pinkshoes said:

Why are you and your partner together?

From what you write, it gives me the impression that she doesn't seem to like compromise, so it's either what she wants or put up with her sulking. She seems to expect you and the kids to compromise on everything, yet not to compromise herself. She sounds VERY selfish. Her horse seems to take priority over the rest of the family! PND issues still? Or was she always like this?

Sorry about the loss of your dad and uncle. Sounds like a good compromise would be a move NEARER your mum. Your wife then gets the small holding and you can support your mum more. Is there a good school there?

I've been asking that question myself sometimes these days.

She's always been very flighty and somewhat selfish with her needs, although she has improved a lot since having the kids. 

She did have PND with both children, which resulted in her buying another horse that she couldn't really afford and us moving house quite needlessly. Thankfully those days are gone and she's better now and more in tune with things.

Back in the early days, I was a 'yes man', and agreed to everything she wanted and did. My family used to joke that I was a pushover and soft. However after I spent thousands trying to make the previous house 'nicer' for her, only for her to still push on and sell it (wasting my money) because she wasn't happy there, I clamped down a lot. Because her mum and dad were very well off, she's never been great with money (spends too much), but unfortunately she, or we, should I say don't earn a fifth of what they would have been on.

Yes, there are very good schools around my mum. It's a more rural area, but it has more of a sense of community.  

Unfortunately I also have my demons, have struggled with quite bad anxiety for 5 years, and now depression after losing my dad. I haven't been easy to live with recently. I do sometimes think my anxiety is down to my partners' behaviour and demands.

She will never move that back way though because I have TOO much family there and she wants her own space. Also ironically, she wants to be close to her mum as well.

When you lived there previously were your family in and out of your house very regularly?
If they were, I can see her point.
If they weren't, it's just another silly excuse she's putting up to bolster her wish to move.

MrBrindle

Pollycat said:

MrBrindle said:

pinkshoes said:

Why are you and your partner together?

From what you write, it gives me the impression that she doesn't seem to like compromise, so it's either what she wants or put up with her sulking. She seems to expect you and the kids to compromise on everything, yet not to compromise herself. She sounds VERY selfish. Her horse seems to take priority over the rest of the family! PND issues still? Or was she always like this?

Sorry about the loss of your dad and uncle. Sounds like a good compromise would be a move NEARER your mum. Your wife then gets the small holding and you can support your mum more. Is there a good school there?

I've been asking that question myself sometimes these days.

She's always been very flighty and somewhat selfish with her needs, although she has improved a lot since having the kids. 

She did have PND with both children, which resulted in her buying another horse that she couldn't really afford and us moving house quite needlessly. Thankfully those days are gone and she's better now and more in tune with things.

Back in the early days, I was a 'yes man', and agreed to everything she wanted and did. My family used to joke that I was a pushover and soft. However after I spent thousands trying to make the previous house 'nicer' for her, only for her to still push on and sell it (wasting my money) because she wasn't happy there, I clamped down a lot. Because her mum and dad were very well off, she's never been great with money (spends too much), but unfortunately she, or we, should I say don't earn a fifth of what they would have been on.

Yes, there are very good schools around my mum. It's a more rural area, but it has more of a sense of community.  

Unfortunately I also have my demons, have struggled with quite bad anxiety for 5 years, and now depression after losing my dad. I haven't been easy to live with recently. I do sometimes think my anxiety is down to my partners' behaviour and demands.

She will never move that back way though because I have TOO much family there and she wants her own space. Also ironically, she wants to be close to her mum as well.

When you lived there previously were your family in and out of your house very regularly?
If they were, I can see her point.
If they weren't, it's just another silly excuse she's putting up to bolster her wish to move.

We've never lived back around my family as a couple, but yes, my family are the types to go into each others houses etc - or call around regularly. My grandparents lived 10 houses up the road and we saw them every day, and saw cousins every other day, It's just the way we've always been. But I can understand why my partner doesn't want to live like that as it's not for everyone, especially when you've lived quite a private, independent life previously.

But I'm not asking to move back by my mum/family. What I'm asking is to not move further away, but if possible move 10 minutes closer or something. It's a catch 22 though because houses with land (like she wants) are most of the times out of our budget the closer you move towards my family.

Pollycat

You said she grew up on a small-holding.
Is she aware how much work this can be?
Or is she just living in a rose-coloured childhood where her Dad planted & harvested potatoes, cabbages and carrots and her Mum fed the chickens & collected the eggs?

Whatever...you are partners and should both have input to where you are going to live.
If you can't agree, you will both have to accept the next step.

tooldle

Is she simply a serial mover? We have a friend who as an adult has owned and lived in at least 12 different houses in 30 years. Some people are always looking to the next step. I suppose what i am asking is, if you put yourself through the trauma of agreeing on a move now , will she be looking to move again a couple of years hence. 

Jude57

Pollycat said:

You said she grew up on a small-holding.
Is she aware how much work this can be?
Or is she just living in a rose-coloured childhood where her Dad planted & harvested potatoes, cabbages and carrots and her Mum fed the chickens & collected the eggs?

Whatever...you are partners and should both have input to where you are going to live.
If you can't agree, you will both have to accept the next step.

I think this is the crux of the matter. Our view of things in our childhood is fairly selfish, we only see things through the lens of how they affect us without the bigger picture that, hopefully, maturity brings. It may be that the time the wife spent living on a smallholding were the happiest childhood memories she can recall, but I think it's telling that her parents separated while the family lived there. It clearly wasn't a happy home for the parents, whether the pressures of keeping a family on the income from a smallholding were too great, or the separation was for other reasons, I doubt the wife's parents look back to that time as fondly as the OP's wife does.

MrBrindle

Regarding enjoying her life on a smallholding, I'm not sure.

She had a traumatic childhood - from mid primary school into her teens. Her father not only sturggled with his bipolar disorder, but also became quite a nasty piece regardless of his illness. (My father was also bipolar, was never nasty, but a kind man). They also moved around 3/4 times due to jobs. Her parents divorced because he refused his medication and became permanently volatile and abusive

I think she liked the smallholding life because she could escape into the grounds to avoid her father, that's my take on it anyway. 

Regarding bring a serial mover, she's already said that maybe one day in the future we can move closer to my mums if we can afford it. So she's not even seeing this house as a forever home!

We need to have some very deep conversations as we're both clearly heading in different directions with life.

Pollycat

MrBrindle said:

Regarding enjoying her life on a smallholding, I'm not sure.

She had a traumatic childhood - from mid primary school into her teens. Her father not only sturggled with his bipolar disorder, but also became quite a nasty piece regardless of his illness. (My father was also bipolar, was never nasty, but a kind man). They also moved around 3/4 times due to jobs. Her parents divorced because he refused his medication and became permanently volatile and abusive

I think she liked the smallholding life because she could escape into the grounds to avoid her father, that's my take on it anyway. 

Regarding bring a serial mover, she's already said that maybe one day in the future we can move closer to my mums if we can afford it. So she's not even seeing this house as a forever home!

We need to have some very deep conversations as we're both clearly heading in different directions with life.

Does she think she's going to do the same with you?
Does she realise how hard work running a small-holding will be?

MrBrindle

Pollycat said:

MrBrindle said:

Regarding enjoying her life on a smallholding, I'm not sure.

She had a traumatic childhood - from mid primary school into her teens. Her father not only sturggled with his bipolar disorder, but also became quite a nasty piece regardless of his illness. (My father was also bipolar, was never nasty, but a kind man). They also moved around 3/4 times due to jobs. Her parents divorced because he refused his medication and became permanently volatile and abusive

I think she liked the smallholding life because she could escape into the grounds to avoid her father, that's my take on it anyway. 

Regarding bring a serial mover, she's already said that maybe one day in the future we can move closer to my mums if we can afford it. So she's not even seeing this house as a forever home!

We need to have some very deep conversations as we're both clearly heading in different directions with life.

Does she think she's going to do the same with you?
Does she realise how hard work running a small-holding will be?

I dont think she does. We already have a big garden and she rarely does anything outdoors apart from her poly tunnel and a few flower pots. I know it may be a 'mans job' anyway, but I do all of mowing, hedge trimming, weeding, clearing leaves  etc. So I'm assuming that it will be down to me to tend to the land if we move.