Arguing over a house move - who's being unreasonable

Billy_B_North

Mickey666 said:

sheramber said:

if you move tot eh country you will end up running a taxi service for your children when they are old enough to want to go to after school activities, meet up with their friends at  the weekends, go to clubs in the evening,  do swimming or play football or tennis and such at weekends and not at the same times or venues.
I lived happily in a rural area until recently and  saw first hand how parents had to constantly ferry the children around.

What a very sad outlook.  Isn't that what parents are supposed to do - support and encourage their children?

That’s really not very nice.  No-one’s suggested that the OP won’t support and encourage their children, but you are suggesting that he’s not doing so by not making their life harder, which is silly.

Your child that you supported with their sports, did you also support them academically enough that they attended a top university? If you didn’t that’s very sad, as a parent should nurture and encourage the mind as well as the body...

sheramber

justworriedabit said: 

Thanks, very informative/helpful.  So on average once every three months IMHO is no big deal and it's not a case of it being an urgency but one of mere grooming, therefore waiting another couple of weeks is no big deal IMO
I recall seeing a tv show once where they did mobile grooming for pets.
IMO, OP and his partner need to have a serious chat and I hope it works out as the guy seem cool.

In some breeds regular grooming is necessary to prevent the coat matting. Most groomers  have regular bookings. My bookings for year ahead were done in December each year. Little  chance of changing a day as appointments were already booked up.   The only chance was of someone cancelled.
To someone like myself with all day at their disposal it may not be a problem. But to a busy, working mum having to take a day off to take the dog to the groomers every 12 weeks may be.  
Much easier to drop the dog off locally before work and collect after work as my friend does.
The op's wife will not have an established client list who may follow her. She would be trying to set up from scratch , possibly a distance from her potential clients.
But then in the excitement of moving to the country she may forget the idea all together.

justworriedabit

MrBrindle said:

justworriedabit said:

Hello OP
I've read your post and a just a few others but not the whole thread.
You have IMO bent over backwards to please your partner.
It is time you put your foot down. However, you may want to accept the move if your partner did all of the chasing etc that goes in with house moves and then made your new house into a home.
You need to remind her that though you love her I am safely assuming, you too have your needs, pressures, life, free time and possible worries and what and what you don't like and the practicalities of everything.
With her health problems of past you may not want to blow up this volatile situation and move but agree beforehand that this move is the last for a while unless you are unhappy there.
Forgive me, but I sense something like one or both of you have had enough. Sorry if I am wrong but take it from me, marriage, living together is hard work most of the time especially when we are all working, earning money, paying bills, paying taxes etc for our governments to throw away for political reasons, etc.
Before I go from this thread, as you know moving can be very, very stressful and who needs that unless it is a must and in your case it is not, well not for you.
Take care and I hope it works out for all of you.

Hey, thanks for suggesting I was cool btw, it's nice to hear that!

I probably have approached things wrong when it comes to discussions more recently, and you're right, I have probably had enough of the constant changes in life, and just want stability. My partner even suggested that the reason I don't want to move is because I'm sensitive to change. Fair enough, I don't mind that. But it has come to a point when there's been too much change for me. Moving house so often, moved jobs 3 times, having children, losing family members. Perhaps I am sensitive, but I don't think I'm taking this sensitively because everyone knows how stressful a house move is. 

Thank you for your kind words earlier.
honestly, you come across as not just cool but sweet and loving. My husband and I we have our ups and downs but he
does bend over backwards for me but push come shove, I do recognise that and show him I love him for it.
Yes, it is time to decide, otherwise and it pains me to say it again, you two are on the edge and if not will be next time.
I really hope you two can sort it out as there must be magic there somewhere that can return but i compromises have to be made on both sides not just the one.

movinghelp

OP you genuinely sound like a lovely and very reasonable man. I’m sorry about the redundancy and the year of stress you’ve suffered. Often I read posters who have no self awareness or limited emotional intelligence, but I don’t think that’s you. I’m a woman and have had very similar experiences with my ex that you describe here. He was unhappy. We moved countries, cities and he changed careers several times to try and make himself happy but sadly he’s still unhappy and what I learnt (over a decade) was no matter how hard you try, you can’t “fix” someone else.

Unfortunately, and I know this isn’t a popular view, some women are encouraged to see their partners as controlling when in reality they just don’t want the same things (children, to move to a different part of the world/country etc). Property !!!!!! has a lot to answer for...

The comparisons to her dad help explain where her ultimatum is coming from but doesn’t solve the short term problem. The focus should really be on what’s best for you all as a family not you versus her. Just saying no is not going to work as you’ll both become really quickly entrenched in your positions where there’s no winners or chance of compromise.

If you’re concerned about relate or don’t think she’d go, I recommend you both read “7 principles for making a marriage work”, it’s full of practical communication tips and based on qualitative data. Best of luck x 

UnderOffer

Do you really believe you will even get the cottage? I know you mentioned the cottage belongs to her friends' grandmother, but if it’s really attractive due to the land will it not go on open sale and perhaps get more money from other potential buyers? 

Other members of the grandmothers family will not care about your wife and the relationship with her friend, they will just want the maximum ££££ for the sale. 

MrBrindle

movinghelp said:

OP you genuinely sound like a lovely and very reasonable man. I’m sorry about the redundancy and the year of stress you’ve suffered. Often I read posters who have no self awareness or limited emotional intelligence, but I don’t think that’s you. I’m a woman and have had very similar experiences with my ex that you describe here. He was unhappy. We moved countries, cities and he changed careers several times to try and make himself happy but sadly he’s still unhappy and what I learnt (over a decade) was no matter how hard you try, you can’t “fix” someone else.

Unfortunately, and I know this isn’t a popular view, some women are encouraged to see their partners as controlling when in reality they just don’t want the same things (children, to move to a different part of the world/country etc). Property !!!!!! has a lot to answer for...

The comparisons to her dad help explain where her ultimatum is coming from but doesn’t solve the short term problem. The focus should really be on what’s best for you all as a family not you versus her. Just saying no is not going to work as you’ll both become really quickly entrenched in your positions where there’s no winners or chance of compromise.

If you’re concerned about relate or don’t think she’d go, I recommend you both read “7 principles for making a marriage work”, it’s full of practical communication tips and based on qualitative data. Best of luck x 

Thanks for the message. Don't get me wrong, I often think of things that would make me happy as well. I've been wanting a new car for a few years, but we haven't got the savings, and money is too tight for finance - it's just something I get on with. This is why I fail to understand why she doesn't see how financially difficult another move and the costs involved is. I'm quite well aware that I'm probably a lot more 'careful' or 'cautious' than her when it comes to risks / spending etc. I'd probably go as far as saying that money and worries surrounding money has become the main focus in my life. It's sad and I hate it. I used to be very much in control of my finances years ago, but these days problems with the car or house send me into a worry because it's always down to me to pay for things. I pay for all the necessities - house loan, utility bills, food, repairs, insurance etc. Her main outgoings are her horses and occasionally buying clothes/shoes for the kids.

Doing what's best for our family and how stability is needed aside, because of my 'obsession' with money, she quickly puts down any concerns I have about moving and the costs involved because 'I worry too much about money and things'. 

MrBrindle

UnderOffer said:

Do you really believe you will even get the cottage? I know you mentioned the cottage belongs to her friends' grandmother, but if it’s really attractive due to the land will it not go on open sale and perhaps get more money from other potential buyers? 

Other members of the grandmothers family will not care about your wife and the relationship with her friend, they will just want the maximum ££££ for the sale. 

Honestly, I'm not sure. I've found similar properties within the same distance that have have sold for £40-£50k more than our house value. So in theory that puts the argument to bed, because we simply don't have that money and won't be able to extend our mortgage.

I have also found our loan paper work from my MIL, and the loan is secured against this house. It also has a clause which says that should the house sell, the loan is to be repaid to the lender or her heirs. Obviously that means I miss out on that money which is fine, but given her mothers' wishes that she wanted us to remain nearby, I can imagine she will want the money returned.

So in my mind, my partner can;
A - Sell this house, lose our relationship and her dream,
or B - Stay in this house, save the relationship and work together towards 'the dream'.

I'm not 100% against moving to the country at some point in our lives, but this move is far too soon in my opinion.

Your second point is also correct, if they knew they could sell for that amount more than our budget, they will almost certainly put it on the open market.

warwick2001

OP, I feel for you.

In a previous life I also had a partner who was always looking for the next thing that would 'make her happy'. In your case, the cottage will 'make her happy'. Being closer to/with the horses will 'make her happy'. Living out in the sticks will 'make her happy'. In my experience, this will NEVER happen, there will ALWAYS be the next thing. And then the next....... And its through no fault on either side really. This sounds to me like your partners depression (much like my ex's) hasn't really been addressed properly, and needs to be before anything will change. Have you encouraged/considered therapy/help for both her mental health, and your relationship? First Steps is a good start for the mental health issues. And I believe Relate will help the pair of you in your relationship. 

Ultimately, there is nothing you can do, as whilst your partner feels like this, her mind will not change. In the end I had to end our relationship as I couldn't cope with the constant demands of 'the next thing'. I wish you both luck.

Sea_Shell

As the loan is secured on your current home, do you think MiL would agree to "re-lend" this money and put a charge on the (any) new house?

Otherwise can you afford to move anywhere if this money has to be repaid?

What's your net equity excluding both this and your mortgage?

How much is this secured loan? ( Sorry if I've missed this up thread)

sheramber

 I lost my job during covid, however I have a contract now which is looking likely to become full time (hopefully).
Would you be able to get another mortgage in these circumstances?