Arguing over a house move - who's being unreasonable

Sea_Shell

But surely she cant get the cottage without you.   So if she leaves, she loses you and her "dream life".

MrBrindle

Ditzy_Mitzy said:

She is being unreasonable, firstly.  
Secondly, and perhaps more importantly, she is unhappy with something.  Her life, as it is now, is not satisfying her.  Or, more likely, she has convinced herself that the situation is unsatisfactory.  As a response she has mentally constructed a wholly imaginary other life where she is happy.  The fantasy, in her case, is of being a country woman in tatty old jeans and a bodywarmer who lives in a sprawling farmhouse full of dogs and the smell of baking bread.  There will be Emma Bridgewater mugs of tea on the scarred old kitchen table, horse show rosettes on the dresser, a selection of friendly equines in the stables and free range chickens scratching about in the farm yard.  
It's not real.  In fact it's downright destructive.  The fantasy can never be realised because even if one collects together all of the ephemera that make it up: be it English pastoral like this; the city slicker's suits and smartphone; or the hippie beach beach bum's guitar and classic camper van, one remains oneself.  Unfortunately, fatuous modern maxims such as 'if you can dream it, you can do it' and 'be the best you' tend to encourage this sort of thinking.  God knows there's enough salesmen out there who will tell one that happiness comes with a new designer wardrobe, nose job or motor cruiser.  
It sounds, from what has been said vis a vis the trailer tent and dog grooming, as if she has been down this road before.  She will continue on it until she becomes aware that it is a road to nowhere.  
Have you had such a conversation, OP?  
She might benefit from talking to someone else, perhaps someone skilled in this sort of thing.  She needs to learn that happy people enjoy things; things don't make happy people.  
There's every chance that, if she sorts herself out, that the crazier ideas will fall by the wayside.  She might, on reflection, realise that what she is proposing is selfish.  

We have sat down and had a conversation about her 'ideas' before, but unfortunately because I have started saying 'no' more over the years, she now feels that I am stopping her 'living her life'. This house situation is another example of that. She wants to move, I say no, I'm stopping her fulfilling her dreams and life. Now, her father was emotionally abusive and mentally unstable and stopped her mother doing lots of things. So I get compared with him a lot, which I find quite frustrating. 

I have asked does she really think that this move will be truly fulfilling and will completely satisfy her needs. She says yes, but I take it with a pinch of salt.

Don't get me wrong, I am all for following dreams, but sometimes you have to do whats sensible and logical. I used to be an amateur drummer, bordering on professional years ago, and I would've loved to make a career of that. But that's unrealistic right now due to being the main bread winner in the family and having other commitments which would stop be from travelling and touring.

I was hoping the moving talk would stop when she started her business, especially when she mentioned a few weeks ago that she didn't envy people with that small holding lifestyle. But it's back again.

I put it across to her why don't we wait a year and see where we are income wise, because then we may be able to afford a decent sized house with a parcel of land. But she's put all her eggs in one basket with this cottage and it's the ONLY way that she'll ever get land.

MrBrindle

Sea_Shell said:

But surely she cant get the cottage without you.   So if she leaves, she loses you and her "dream life".

I've said that, but she says she will find a way. Also she has more equity in the house than me in the form of her mothers money, so in her mind she will have the larger share of the pot should we go separate ways. I could easily say 'I'm having half then' couldn't I?!

She watches a lot of programmes like 'escape to the chateau' and other house/lifestyle programmes, so in her mind 'anything is possible'.

Moving house is extremely stressful, and we have done it 3/4 times in 6 years. People in our families think we're nuts, and it really is nuts. These are purchases as well so we've lost money in fees along the way. I just REALLY want some stability for a few years, especially in these times.

Sea_Shell

Do you own your house as Joint Tenants or Tenants in common, and if so, are your shares actually documented as unequal.

MrBrindle

Sea_Shell said:

Do you own your house as Joint Tenants or Tenants in common, and if so, are your shares actually documented as unequal.

 Deary me, I don't know what term is which, but the house is owned between us. Joint tenants I think?

EDITED: Yes, Joint tenants. Equal.

burlingtonfl6

MrBrindle said:

Sea_Shell said:

Do you own your house as Joint Tenants or Tenants in common, and if so, are your shares actually documented as unequal.

 Deary me, I don't know what term is which, but the house is owned between us. Joint tenants I think?

EDITED: Yes, Joint tenants. Equal.

I think what others are getting at is something I don't really agree with but posters on here don't have and issue with...
The money her mother put in, go for half if it comes down to it.

Sea_Shell

If it is Joint Tenants, equally, then her "Mum's" money/bigger share is in the wind.    Was this money a gift or loan?  Any paperwork to back this up?

Did you have to prove gift to your lender?

MrBrindle

burlingtonfl6 said:

MrBrindle said:

Sea_Shell said:

Do you own your house as Joint Tenants or Tenants in common, and if so, are your shares actually documented as unequal.

 Deary me, I don't know what term is which, but the house is owned between us. Joint tenants I think?

EDITED: Yes, Joint tenants. Equal.

I think what others are getting at is something I don't really agree with but posters on here don't have and issue with...
The money her mother put in, go for half if it comes down to it.

As in you don't agree with going separate ways over a house move? I mean, it does seem a bit mad that a couple would split up because one person doesn't or does want to move - someone has to compromise I guess. Does it happen often? Perhaps, I don't know. 

burlingtonfl6

MrBrindle said:

burlingtonfl6 said:

MrBrindle said:

Sea_Shell said:

Do you own your house as Joint Tenants or Tenants in common, and if so, are your shares actually documented as unequal.

 Deary me, I don't know what term is which, but the house is owned between us. Joint tenants I think?

EDITED: Yes, Joint tenants. Equal.

I think what others are getting at is something I don't really agree with but posters on here don't have and issue with...
The money her mother put in, go for half if it comes down to it.

As in you don't agree with going separate ways over a house move? I mean, it does seem a bit mad that a couple would split up because one person doesn't or does want to move - someone has to compromise I guess. Does it happen often? Perhaps, I don't know. 

I don't agree with people going after shares (money) of a home after a divorce that they never put in or a percentage of inheritance left to a spouse. 
If it was gifted to the both of you (you keep adding details so I have to edit) then half is yours. Your wife is the one breaking the marriage apart by her demands so all is fair.

MrBrindle

Sea_Shell said:

If it is Joint Tenants, equally, then her "Mum's" money/bigger share is in the wind.    Was this money a gift or loan?  Any paperwork to back this up?

Did you have to prove gift to your lender?

Ok, to make matters even more complicated, some money was gifted to us for the deposit years ago, and we also have a loan from her which has been done legitimately with a solicitor - of which I pay back myself btw.

Her mum did say years ago, she didn't mind lending us the money (the loan) as long as we stayed close by because she has lots of health issues and cannot travel far. So on a personal level, she won't be pleased if we moved out to the country. A part of me doesn't agree with attaching conditions to things like this, but she believes we've taken the loan in good faith that her wishes will be remembered. That's always been fine by me because she was extremely kind to help us out.