Arguing over a house move - who's being unreasonable

littlegreenparrot

I'm always a bit baffled when I see someone arguing that moving to the middle of nowhere will be good for children.

In terms of developing confidence and independence there is a lot to be said for them living within walking distance of their friends. They may be a bit young now, but in a few years if they can walk to the next street to their friends house, or to school it will make a difference. 

I've known 18 year olds who have no idea how to get a bus, and worry endlessly about it, because they have been ferried about their whole lives. Much better to learn these things gradually. And that's quite apart from the time/ money you spend having to do the ferrying about. 

theoretica

swingaloo2 said:

So, 
2013 bought a house
2014 had a child
2015 sold a house and moved to in-laws
2016 bought a house
2017 had a child
2018 bought a house and moved again

Looking at that what strikes me is a lot of big events happening one after the other - I wonder if there are aspects of being a change seeker and not one for stability.  Problem solving, I wonder if there are easier or more productive big changes that could replace this in her mind - starting the job sounds like it would be a good one.

burlingtonfl6

Mickey666 said:

Hmm.

I know a couple who are in their 40s who are mad on horses, have their own land with PP for a house but have been living in a caravan for the past ten years because their horses take priority over everything, including having kids.  They 'retrain' ex racehorses and had half a dozen at the last count.  They travel all over the country to competition events.  In short their whole lives revolve around horses.  They are both amazingly happy and wouldn't change their lives for anything . . . except perhaps more horses!

What I'm saying is that there's nothing wrong with the OP's wife's obsession about horses per se.  The real problem here is basic incompatibility.  I can't see how it can end well when a couple are so far apart in their outlook and ambitions and where a reconciliation of views and lifestyles is going to require a huge change.  Love can only be stretched so far.

Perhaps counselling (as previously suggested) is the answer, but how can someone be convinced they have a problem in the first place?  Besides, who is to say WHO has the problem?  Is it the wife's apparent obsession with horses or the OPs apparent lack of obsession with horses?

Perfectly fine if
 A. You can afford them and
 B. They don't take priority over your children and husband.....which is what's happening 

AskAsk

reminds me of my husband.  he is a bit of a dreamer and is always wanting to move to another country!  i just tell him straight that i aint moving and he can do what he wants but i am staying put.  he throws a strop and moans but then soon he forgets about it, until the next time.

Doodles

You are not being unreasonable.

What strikes me as a stranger looking upon your situation, is this jumping from one major life change to another. That's stressful stuff!  Is her general personality like that?  I ask only because you mentioned depression before, and I wonder if there is something else in the mix there with her?

I do think you need to stand firm on this one, if its the agreement you both had with staying longer term at this current property and I think its manipulative of her to say that you are stopping her dreams.

MrBrindle

AskAsk said:

reminds me of my husband.  he is a bit of a dreamer and is always wanting to move to another country!  i just tell him straight that i aint moving and he can do what he wants but i am staying put.  he throws a strop and moans but then soon he forgets about it, until the next time.

I wish it was that lighthearted, unfortunately this is quickly turning into a no house move, no relationship scenario.

MalMonroe

Seems to me that in the past you have always bent over backwards to accommodate your partner's wishes. Your post reminds me of the U2 song, "I still haven't found what I'm looking for . . ".   Her ideas now are not practical for her family. What is she running away from? Or wanting? If only you could find out or she could talk about it, you'd at least be able to understand. She's clearly not REALLY wanting to move to an old, too small cottage so she can be near her horses. Or does she simply want to live in the cottage on her own and be with the horses? I don't see how uprooting children again is going to be good for them, really.

The problem is that when you are an adult with a partner and/or children, you have to put your own dreams to one side and you really do have to be unselfish. You aren't stopping her living her dreams at all, you are simply being the adult here. Moving home is extremely stressful but moving to a home that also needs extending and refurbishing, with children, is an absolute nightmare, I've done that in the past and it's awful.

It does seem as if you need to do more talking and trying to find out why your partner feels the constant need to keep moving. 

MrBrindle

Doodles said:

You are not being unreasonable.

What strikes me as a stranger looking upon your situation, is this jumping from one major life change to another. That's stressful stuff!  Is her general personality like that?  I ask only because you mentioned depression before, and I wonder if there is something else in the mix there with her?

I do think you need to stand firm on this one, if its the agreement you both had with staying longer term at this current property and I think its manipulative of her to say that you are stopping her dreams.

Yeah, it has been stressful. And it's really affected me unfortunately. I also lost three grandparents between 2015-2016 which didn't help things my end.

Yes, she does do expensive things on a whim, she gets that trait from her mum - difference is her mum is pretty well off. Two years ago she wanted to buy a trailer tent to try camping, and these things aren't cheap. Our friends who have one offered to borrow theirs, but within a few days we drove 150 miles away late at night to buy one off an ebay seller. Spent some money doing it up, buying all the camping gear, only to use it once. She didn't enjoy camping in the end, so we will probably end up selling it.

I really don't know where to go from here, because she's already brought out the 'if you don't move with me, I'll do it alone' card. This is really not healthy, and I keep second guessing whether I'm just being stubborn or not.

AskAsk

MrBrindle said:

AskAsk said:

reminds me of my husband.  he is a bit of a dreamer and is always wanting to move to another country!  i just tell him straight that i aint moving and he can do what he wants but i am staying put.  he throws a strop and moans but then soon he forgets about it, until the next time.

I wish it was that lighthearted, unfortunately this is quickly turning into a no house move, no relationship scenario.

so you mean that if you refuse to move, she will leave you??

MrBrindle

MalMonroe said:

Seems to me that in the past you have always bent over backwards to accommodate your partner's wishes. Your post reminds me of the U2 song, "I still haven't found what I'm looking for . . ".   Her ideas now are not practical for her family. What is she running away from? Or wanting? If only you could find out or she could talk about it, you'd at least be able to understand. She's clearly not REALLY wanting to move to an old, too small cottage so she can be near her horses. Or does she simply want to live in the cottage on her own and be with the horses? I don't see how uprooting children again is going to be good for them, really.

The problem is that when you are an adult with a partner and/or children, you have to put your own dreams to one side and you really do have to be unselfish. You aren't stopping her living her dreams at all, you are simply being the adult here. Moving home is extremely stressful but moving to a home that also needs extending and refurbishing, with children, is an absolute nightmare, I've done that in the past and it's awful.

It does seem as if you need to do more talking and trying to find out why your partner feels the constant need to keep moving. 

For some reason she has a thing against 'town' as a place, and has never wanted to bring her children up in 'town'. Thing is, this is a nice town in general. Yes it has the usual rough patches and a few dodgy characters like most places, but it's more affluent than poor and rough.  She had some bad experiences in town while younger, but these ironically happened while living on the small holding and used to travel into town on the bus or with friends - so go figure.

I'm not sure what she's running away from, or wanting. As far as she's concerned, it's a practical move - smaller house, less bills, countryside living, safer (away from town), land for the horses.