Arguing over a house move - who's being unreasonable

swingaloo2

So, 
2013 bought a house
2014 had a child
2015 sold a house and moved to in-laws
2016 bought a house
2017 had a child
2018 bought a house and moved again
So now with a 6-7 year old and a 3-4 year old she wants to move again.
Throw Covid and her starting a business into the mix, no wonder you had a breakdown.
Stand firm on this, it would be madness to give up what you have now for a pipe dream. 

MrBrindle

Savvy_Sue said:

Sea_Shell said:

Another vote for "you are not being unreasonable".

And another one here ... 

Sea_Shell said:

However, even if you had 1000 "internet" people agreeing with you, how is that going to influence your partner, if they won't listen to you?

I think this is where you need to tackle the problem. 

I also think it's likely that there is an underlying element of depression / 'everything would be fine if I could just fix THIS' in her thinking - and that's not easy to resolve. 

And I also think that as long as she feels you are responding with 'I am right and you are wrong', she will not want to hear it. She does need to feel that you have 'heard' her - I'm not saying you haven't 'heard' her, but she needs to FEEL that you have 'heard' her. 

Who can you turn to as a couple? Not to convince her that you are right and she is wrong (however much we internet people may feel that is the case), but to work with you to find a way forward.  

You may not know but Relate don't just deal with married people, and I really think that this needs tackling as a couple. If she won't consider this you can see them on your own, and that might also be helpful to you. Bottom line is, what happens if you WON'T move and she won't NOT move? 

BTW - and this is not something to say to her, but I'd be thinking it - you are stopping her living HER dreams? What about YOUR dreams? 

Thanks Sue. Yes I do think she's thinking once we move there everything's ok. 

Unfortunately you are right in the assumption that she doesn't feel I listen to her. And to some degree I don't. She has had so many unrealistic ideas over the years, I tend to just say 'no' a lot now which she holds against me. The last big family decision argument was over lockdown when I become unemployed and she started talking about getting another dog. I ignored the topic for a while, until it blew up in an argument when I officially said no - we barely had money coming in (dogs cost money), we had no routine (dogs like routine) - I just felt it was a completely unstable situation to bring another dog into the family. Most times she does things without discussing with me. 

I will suggest Relate thank you, it may be beneficial for us as we haven't communicated well for a while.

My dreams? As sad as it sounds, I don't really have any! I guess I've always wanted to bring my children up close to my family who live 30-40 minutes away. I grew up being looked after by my grandparents and were very close to my aunty, uncle and cousins. I wanted a similar upbringing for my kids, however my partner has always declined the idea of moving towards my parents because she has no friends and family around there herself.

getmore4less

Is the dog thing making money yet  only a few months ago that was going to cost a fortune.

adding to my last post
if you move you will have stables and a dog grooming shed before you see another bedroom.

burlingtonfl6

getmore4less said:

Is the dog thing making money yet  only a few months ago that was going to cost a fortune.

adding to my last post
if you move you will have stables and a dog grooming shed before you see another bedroom.

I know people who are financially crippled and struggling to make it from week to week but if you suggest to them they should sell/donate their horse they look at you muck. 

MrBrindle

getmore4less said:

Is the dog thing making money yet  only a few months ago that was going to cost a fortune.

adding to my last post
if you move you will have stables and a dog grooming shed before you see another bedroom.

Hiya, no, dog business hasn't actually started yet. She has some clients booked in start of April onwards.
And yes, stables will cost what, £5-£10k? Insulated dog grooming shed with wiring and plumbing at least £2,500k I'd imagine.
A single story extension around here is like £25-£30,000 from quotes I've heard.

Sea_Shell

I think this is what's commonly known as "Stalemate".

Someone's going to have to eventually back down or give in, which leads to feelings of either winning or losing.

Only talking has any chance of avoiding "Checkmate" instead IMO.

wannabe_a_saver

It sounds like your partner is missing purpose in her life so she's always looking for a 'fix' with a short term project.  What was her job before she gave it up to raise the children?

I agree that Relate sounds like a really good idea.  

30 minutes away from grandparents is nothing by the way, they can definitely see them a lot and have a good relationship living so close. 

MovingForwards

I agree you're not being unreasonable, I've also read a lot of your posts when they pop up. Sorry but it's madness downsizing, having loads of land and then trying to maintain and increase everything. Money doesn't go on trees and she will end up with itchy feet again in a few years, until she resolves the underlying issue of her unhappiness / unsettledness and every other 'ness behind her thinking.

Mojisola

MrBrindle said:

However she's always had the mentality 'if I get this I will be happier'.....not sure what that's called.

This sounds like the problem - not the place you're living now. 

Counselling is the way to go - and a lot cheaper than moving again.

She doesn't sound happy.

kazwookie

Get a pen and large piece of paper, get the kids to bed, sit with your wife, (no telly, or phones)

Start to get some costs on paper, incomings / outgoing now and in the future

Your wages, your wife's wages etc gas electric, council tax, water,  insurance,  cars,  petrol, TV, kids clothes, kids clubs etc etc etc

Costs of selling / costs of buying, removal costs etc

Costs of building an extension, planning etc

and so on, so you can both see what it all costs and is it doable.

Good luck