Arguing over a house move - who's being unreasonable

Doodles

MrBrindle said:

Yeah, it has been stressful. And it's really affected me unfortunately. I also lost three grandparents between 2015-2016 which didn't help things my end.

Yes, she does do expensive things on a whim, she gets that trait from her mum - difference is her mum is pretty well off. Two years ago she wanted to buy a trailer tent to try camping, and these things aren't cheap. Our friends who have one offered to borrow theirs, but within a few days we drove 150 miles away late at night to buy one off an ebay seller. Spent some money doing it up, buying all the camping gear, only to use it once. She didn't enjoy camping in the end, so we will probably end up selling it.

I really don't know where to go from here, because she's already brought out the 'if you don't move with me, I'll do it alone' card. This is really not healthy, and I keep second guessing whether I'm just being stubborn or not.

I am sorry for the loss of your grandparents.  

You are right, its not healthy. And I don't think you are being stubborn. At the end of the day, do you really think she will be happy to bed down for 10 years at this new place? it doesn't sound like it and I think you know that.

It must be very hurtful for her to say this to you. In your shoes, I wouldn't argue and just say I'm sorry you feel like that and let her do what she needs to do.  A reality check is possibly what she needs (sorry if that sounds harsh).

MrBrindle

AskAsk said:

MrBrindle said:

AskAsk said:

reminds me of my husband.  he is a bit of a dreamer and is always wanting to move to another country!  i just tell him straight that i aint moving and he can do what he wants but i am staying put.  he throws a strop and moans but then soon he forgets about it, until the next time.

I wish it was that lighthearted, unfortunately this is quickly turning into a no house move, no relationship scenario.

so you mean that if you refuse to move, she will leave you??

Yes. I'm taking this seriously, because things haven't been great over the past year between us. 

AskAsk

MrBrindle said:

AskAsk said:

MrBrindle said:

AskAsk said:

reminds me of my husband.  he is a bit of a dreamer and is always wanting to move to another country!  i just tell him straight that i aint moving and he can do what he wants but i am staying put.  he throws a strop and moans but then soon he forgets about it, until the next time.

I wish it was that lighthearted, unfortunately this is quickly turning into a no house move, no relationship scenario.

so you mean that if you refuse to move, she will leave you??

Yes. I'm taking this seriously, because things haven't been great over the past year between us. 

i can't give you advice but others have already said that your wife is being unreasonable.
my husband has often threatened to leave and go where he wants to live as i won't agree to come with him.  and for me, i stand my ground whatever happens and if he does decide to move himself then that makes the decision easier for me as he has made it for me.  you have to do what you feel is the right thing to do for you and what will make you happy.  if you think that moving will make you happy as it will keep your marriage together, then do that.

for me, what makes me happy is doing what i want to do, so if my husband wants to move and i am happy to stay, then i am happier staying without him than be miserable moving with him.  i don't much care for consequence but i know not everyone is like this.

CookieMonster

MrBrindle said:

 she's already brought out the 'if you don't move with me, I'll do it alone' card. This is really not healthy, and I keep second guessing whether I'm just being stubborn or not.

She's issued an ultimatum: there is nowhere to go from here. That's not the action of a caring partner.
Either you stay, and be the compliant pack horse and continue trying to keep her happy, or she does it without you.
Of course she can't as she doesn't have a job that will pay for her pipe dreams, with her expensive changes of mind every year or so.
I'm guessing her priorities are
Herself, then the kids, then the horses, then other pets, then you. (The children and the horses might be swapped around).
If this rings true, then this isn't just about a cottage and a bit of land. 

Scotbot

MrBrindle said:

Doodles said:

You are not being unreasonable.

What strikes me as a stranger looking upon your situation, is this jumping from one major life change to another. That's stressful stuff!  Is her general personality like that?  I ask only because you mentioned depression before, and I wonder if there is something else in the mix there with her?

I do think you need to stand firm on this one, if its the agreement you both had with staying longer term at this current property and I think its manipulative of her to say that you are stopping her dreams.

Yeah, it has been stressful. And it's really affected me unfortunately. I also lost three grandparents between 2015-2016 which didn't help things my end.

Yes, she does do expensive things on a whim, she gets that trait from her mum - difference is her mum is pretty well off. Two years ago she wanted to buy a trailer tent to try camping, and these things aren't cheap. Our friends who have one offered to borrow theirs, but within a few days we drove 150 miles away late at night to buy one off an ebay seller. Spent some money doing it up, buying all the camping gear, only to use it once. She didn't enjoy camping in the end, so we will probably end up selling it.

I really don't know where to go from here, because she's already brought out the 'if you don't move with me, I'll do it alone' card. This is really not healthy, and I keep second guessing whether I'm just being stubborn or not.

She sounds like a spoilt brat! My guess is she is clueless financially and if you sat down and worked out the cost of everything it would go in one ear and out the other. I am also guessing if she left she would go straight back to mummy.  Would mummy pay for the cottage for her or tell her to wise up?

I think you need to work out what is best for you,  moving or splitting up.  I would certainly call her bluff initially and refuse to move and see what happens.

Savvy_Sue

AskAsk said:

MrBrindle said:

Yes. I'm taking this seriously, because things haven't been great over the past year between us. 

i can't give you advice but others have already said that your wife is being unreasonable.
my husband has often threatened to leave and go where he wants to live as i won't agree to come with him.  and for me, i stand my ground whatever happens and if he does decide to move himself then that makes the decision easier for me as he has made it for me.  you have to do what you feel is the right thing to do for you and what will make you happy.  if you think that moving will make you happy as it will keep your marriage together, then do that.

for me, what makes me happy is doing what i want to do, so if my husband wants to move and i am happy to stay, then i am happier staying without him than be miserable moving with him.  i don't much care for consequence but i know not everyone is like this.

Just to complicate the situation on one level, the OP says they are not married. 

OP, I think you would definitely benefit from talking to Relate or similar relationship counsellor, on your own if she won't. I would hope that by trying to engage with her and talk about this, she'd realise you don't want her to leave you, and you do want to make her happy, but that this is your line in the sand. And I'm phrasing it that way round: it will be her decision to leave YOU, not the other way round. 

Of course in all this there are the children to consider, and I really feel for them. 

Especially as it doesn't sound as if she has a firm grasp on the financial realities of life. 

wannabe_a_saver

MrBrindle said:

AskAsk said:

MrBrindle said:

AskAsk said:

reminds me of my husband.  he is a bit of a dreamer and is always wanting to move to another country!  i just tell him straight that i aint moving and he can do what he wants but i am staying put.  he throws a strop and moans but then soon he forgets about it, until the next time.

I wish it was that lighthearted, unfortunately this is quickly turning into a no house move, no relationship scenario.

so you mean that if you refuse to move, she will leave you??

Yes. I'm taking this seriously, because things haven't been great over the past year between us. 

You have to put your kids first, taking them from a comfortable home where they have their own rooms near their schools to make them share a bedroom in a tiny cottage away from their friends, school and extended family isn't fair to them.

It sounds like your wife needs some treatment, maybe this is the one where you don't give in to her impulses and see what happens?

burlingtonfl6

AskAsk said:

MrBrindle said:

AskAsk said:

reminds me of my husband.  he is a bit of a dreamer and is always wanting to move to another country!  i just tell him straight that i aint moving and he can do what he wants but i am staying put.  he throws a strop and moans but then soon he forgets about it, until the next time.

I wish it was that lighthearted, unfortunately this is quickly turning into a no house move, no relationship scenario.

so you mean that if you refuse to move, she will leave you??

Emotional abuse. Threats and ultimatums. 

Weathergirl_76

You are not being unreasonable. These are big decisions, stress, upheaval, cost, uncertainty plus the ongoing situation with Covid. You have every right to voice your concerns. Maybe try to talk it through, and explain why you don’t think it’s feasible, discuss your concerns, but I agree with the others, it’s not the move that will make her happy, if she is not happy or content in herself. This may be an idea for the future, in different times, when you have settled into your new job, you see if the dog grooming business is working, and things are a bit clearer for everything really.  These are strange times we are in.  

Keep_pedalling

Any chance of getting her mother to support you on this?