Arguing over a house move - who's being unreasonable

MrBrindle

Hi all, I'm not really sure what I'm expecting in terms of advice about this, but I would like some reassurance that I'm not being made out to be this bad person in all of this.

Quick background history, we bought our first house, a tiny two bed cottage outside town in 2013, had a child in 2014, sold in late 2015 and moved into my mother in law's for 6 months while still looking for another property. Bought our second house in town in 2016 with some financial help from our mother in law. Four bed house, and did a lot of work on it. Had second child in 2017, partner become severely depressed (post natal depression and more) and instigated a house move because she 'hated the house', and it had become like a 'prison to her' - I wont go into the details!  Moved again in 2018 to a house on the edge of town in a quiet estate. We both liked the house back in 2016, but missed out on it. It came back on the market, and felt like fate. I pretty much suffered a breakdown after this because the move was extremely stressful and I was in the middle of moving jobs as well.

Fast forward to 2021, we have a lovely 4 bed house in a quiet cul de sac with fields to the right and behind us. Kids settled, really great neighbours who we spent a lot of time with over lockdown (socially distanced of course). I lost my job during covid, however I have a contract now which is looking likely to become full time (hopefully). My partner is starting her own dog grooming business from home.

However, now, my partner wants to move. She has two horses on livery in a village 8 miles away, and a 2 bed cottage with land in that village is coming on the market soon. The cottage belongs to her friends' grandmother. I haven't been in the cottage myself, but moving from a 4 bed to a 1 bed feels absolutely absurd right now in life - we can't afford anything bigger with land really. She thinks we can extend while we live there, however money wise, I think our house and the cottage will be evenly priced because houses with land go for lots of money around this part of world. So we're not left with much to 'extend'. She's adamant on moving because she wants the country life (she lived on a small holding for a few years while younger), and she never wanted to live in town. She's said this numerous times of the years despite going through with the above moves, but we also agreed to settle after this move and not think about moving for at least 5-10 years. I'm 'stopping her living her dreams' by not agreeing to the move, and the kids will benefit more from living that lifestyle.

I've said I'm not moving anytime soon because we're more or less settled here, and have everything we need apart from land. I reminded her of my breakdown and how it's been a difficult year, and I don't think it's a good time to be moving, especially with her starting her business as well which should be her focus. 

I just don't know what to do, and I don't know if I'm being unreasonable or not.

CookieMonster

You are being reasonable. Sensible. Logical. But you know that already.
You have everything you and your kids need. It's your wife who wants the land.
You've moved a lot in the past few years, that must be costing you a fortune. 2 horses aren't cheap either.
You've already moved to try to make her happy (which is not your responsibility), but she wants more.
When will she be satisfied - with the cottage and land, or will it be something else afterwards?

xylophone

I don't think that you are being unreasonable - squeezing  two adults and two school age children into a one bedroom cottage does not seem to me a recipe for contentment.

Has your wife looked into whether planning permission would be granted to extend the cottage?

Has she looked into how much it would cost?

Has she considered the disruption even if you could afford it?

How convenient would it be for the children's school and social life?

How convenient for your journey to work?

Is the constant desire to move a manifestation of  depression/deep discontent/other underlying problem?

burlingtonfl6

MrBrindle said:

Hi all, I'm not really sure what I'm expecting in terms of advice about this, but I would like some reassurance that I'm not being made out to be this bad person in all of this.

Quick background history, we bought our first house, a tiny two bed cottage outside town in 2013, had a child in 2014, sold in late 2015 and moved into my mother in law's for 6 months while still looking for another property. Bought our second house in town in 2016 with some financial help from our mother in law. Four bed house, and did a lot of work on it. Had second child in 2017, partner become severely depressed (post natal depression and more) and instigated a house move because she 'hated the house', and it had become like a 'prison to her' - I wont go into the details!  Moved again in 2018 to a house on the edge of town in a quiet estate. We both liked the house back in 2016, but missed out on it. It came back on the market, and felt like fate. I pretty much suffered a breakdown after this because the move was extremely stressful and I was in the middle of moving jobs as well.

Fast forward to 2021, we have a lovely 4 bed house in a quiet cul de sac with fields to the right and behind us. Kids settled, really great neighbours who we spent a lot of time with over lockdown (socially distanced of course). I lost my job during covid, however I have a contract now which is looking likely to become full time (hopefully). My partner is starting her own dog grooming business from home.

However, now, my partner wants to move. She has two horses on livery in a village 8 miles away, and a 1 bed cottage with land in that village is coming on the market soon. The cottage belongs to her friends' grandmother. I haven't been in the cottage myself, but moving from a 4 bed to a 1 bed feels absolutely absurd right now in life - we can't afford anything bigger with land really. She thinks we can extend while we live there, however money wise, I think our house and the cottage will be evenly priced because houses with land go for lots of money around this part of world. So we're not left with much to 'extend'. She's adamant on moving because she wants the country life (she lived on a small holding for a few years while younger), and she never wanted to live in town. She's said this numerous times of the years despite going through with the above moves, but we also agreed to settle after this move and not think about moving for at least 5-10 years. I'm 'stopping her living her dreams' by not agreeing to the move, and the kids will benefit more from living that lifestyle.

I've said I'm not moving anytime soon because we're more or less settled here, and have everything we need apart from land. I reminded her of my breakdown and how it's been a difficult year, and I don't think it's a good time to be moving, especially with her starting her business as well which should be her focus. 

I just don't know what to do, and I don't know if I'm being unreasonable or not.

That's your problem.
I've grown up around horses and they are a drain on the finances and people let their heart rule their head when it comes to them.
Your wife is putting the horses in front of the families actual needs

MrBrindle

CookieMonster said:

You are being reasonable. Sensible. Logical. But you know that already.
You have everything you and your kids need. It's your wife who wants the land.
You've moved a lot in the past few years, that must be costing you a fortune. 2 horses aren't cheap either.
You've already moved to try to make her happy (which is not your responsibility), but she wants more.
When will she be satisfied - with the cottage and land, or will it be something else afterwards?

The moves have cost us a small fortune in fees, and I'm completely embarrassed and ashamed about it. And yes the horses aren't cheap - but she's using that as leverage for a move. If we bought a house with land we won't have to pay liverly costs......but where they are (a friend' farm) is quite cheap right now.

Malthusian

Stuffing the kids into a broom cupboard so she can be nearer her horses. Yeah, this certainly isn't about what kind of lifestyle will benefit them more, even if you eventually manage to build rooms of their own somehow. (Despite the lack of funds and, presumably, planning permission. Are you still going to have the space she wants after building two bedrooms?)

It would be difficult to imagine you having more reasons to stick to the original agreement to review this no earlier than 2023.

Maybe by then you'll have a dual secure income (from the job that you currently hope will then be permanent and her dog grooming business) and you will be more able to afford somewhere with land and enough space for all four of you.

MrBrindle

xylophone said:

I don't think that you are being unreasonable - squeezing  two adults and two school age children into a one bedroom cottage does not seem to me a recipe for contentment.

Has your wife looked into whether planning permission would be granted to extend the cottage?

Nope.

Has she looked into how much it would cost?

Nope, although having worked in marketing for a builders merchant I have a good idea myself.

Has she considered the disruption even if you could afford it?

Short term yes, but she thinks the long term benefits (land, no outgoings on horse rent) will be worth it.

How convenient would it be for the children's school and social life?

Not convenient. We will be moving further away from the school, so will two trips a day to make. All of my daughters friends live in or around the town.

How convenient for your journey to work?

I'm currently contracted to work from home, but no, not very convenient if/when I return to office.

Is the constant desire to move a manifestation of  depression/deep discontent/other underlying problem?

Perhaps, but the desire is to have land and keep the horses 'with her'. She doesn't like relying on other people.

Thanks for the reply, I've answered the questions the best I can right now.

MrBrindle

burlingtonfl6 said:

MrBrindle said:

However, now, my partner wants to move. She has two horses on livery in a village 8 miles away, and a 1 bed cottage with land in that village is coming on the market soon. 

That's your problem.
I've grown up around horses and they are a drain on the finances and people let their heart rule their head when it comes to them.
Your wife is putting the horses in front of the families actual needs

I laughed at this, but you are right. Horses consume people in a different way. We have friends who are horse people as well and I see it with them. Obviously they are a person's pet so I cannot say 'sell them' because I wouldn't sell my dog. 

MrBrindle

Malthusian said:

Stuffing the kids into a broom cupboard so she can be nearer her horses. Yeah, this certainly isn't about what kind of lifestyle will benefit them more, even if you eventually manage to build rooms of their own somehow. (Despite the lack of funds and, presumably, planning permission. Are you still going to have the space she wants after building two bedrooms?)

It would be difficult to imagine you having more reasons to stick to the original agreement to review this no earlier than 2023.

Maybe by then you'll have a dual secure income (from the job that you currently hope will then be permanent and her dog grooming business) and you will be more able to afford somewhere with land and enough space for all four of you.

Yes, this is the argument for staying I have put across to her. However she doesn't see it, and would rather a short term solution.

I will also add that it was only a few months ago she said how she doesn't envy her friend who owns the farm where the horses are because of how much it costs in terms of upkeep - financially and physically.

Her eldest horse may only have a few years left, so I think that plays a part in this 'urgency' to move.

Sea_Shell

Another vote for "you are not being unreasonable".

However, even if you had 1000 "internet" people agreeing with you, how is that going to influence your partner, if they won't listen to you?

Are you married?  Own your current home jointly?

Pollycat

I think xylophone asked all the relevant questions and your answers indicate that no, you are not being unreasonable.