Arguing over a house move - who's being unreasonable

sheramber

if you move tot eh country you will end up running a taxi service for your children when they are old enough to want to go to after school activities, meet up with their friends at  the weekends, go to clubs in the evening,  do swimming or play football or tennis and such at weekends and not at the same times or venues.
I lived happily in a rural area until recently and  saw first hand how parents had to constantly ferry the children around.

Savvy_Sue

I wonder though if there's a danger that if the OP says 'not this house / not the country' then there will be a fixation on something else.

 It's not the move that's the problem. It's a symptom of much deeper unhappiness within the relationship. 

MrBrindle

Keep_pedalling said:

Any chance of getting her mother to support you on this? 

Normally yes, but I haven't been in her good books recently because I'm been a miserable sod over the past 6 months having been made redundant last year and in and out of jobs.

Also, she is going through some health issues at the moment which is causing her lots of worry, so I'd rather not bring this up now.

MrBrindle

Savvy_Sue said:

I wonder though if there's a danger that if the OP says 'not this house / not the country' then there will be a fixation on something else.

 It's not the move that's the problem. It's a symptom of much deeper unhappiness within the relationship. 

Well, her deep unhappiness, as she's told me is that she's always wanted to live in the country and has never been a 'townie', and she will never feel settled living where we are. Then there's the horse issue, and how she wants them with her. She is quite a shy person who doesn't socialise with new people much, so I think a part of it is to move away and hide herself from everyone. This is why her father moved the family to the middle of nowhere when they were young apparently, he didn't like people, so wanted to get away from the world. I sometimes think is this the same pattern, but I don't think it's fair for my children to grow up 'away from the world'.

Obviously things have been fraught between us as a couple over the past year, but this need to move often and want big changes has been a pattern for years.

Retireinten

My first serious and older by 8 years boyfriend, many years ago now, issued me with an ultimatum of 'get pregnant now or the relationship ends'. He was emotionally abusive and this was one of his attempts to bully me into tying myself to him permanently. I was 19 and very much under his control at that point but even I knew the answer to that one.  I pointed to the front door, I said 'off you go then, and don't come back!' Funnily enough he stayed put until I found the guts to end the relationship a year or so later. 

People who genuinely love you OP don't give you ultimatums to force you to do something you don't want to do!  I'd go one step further and suggest that people who are mentally stable don't do those things either! 

If you move,  what will she want next year to make her happier... a bigger cottage, more land, another horse? Who is actually paying for all this? 

This is much much bigger than a decision on a house move, this is about whether your relationship is reaching the end of the road or not. As another poster has said, love can only stretch so far. Your partner has issued an ultimatum... she's blackmailing you to agree with her, which is unacceptable.

Maybe your answer needs to be along the lines of:

'I don't have a full time permanent job, you don't contribute anything financially to the household at the moment, the cottage isn't practical or affordable for our family right now. I agreed to the last move on the basis we'd put down roots.  You've now issued an ultimatum of I move or you end the relationship. I don't want that to happen so before you end our relationship, I think we should go to couples counselling. 

Make it very clear that if she follows through on her threat it is her that is ending the relationship not you. She may well twist this to lay the blame at your feet because you haven't agreed to her bidding. 

To be honest OP it sounds to me like a lot of your stress has been triggered by a desire to keep your partner happy over the last few years. At some point you need to say enough is enough! As a married for forever female, I am usually team 'save the relationship', but on this occasion, could you actually be happier long term with her being an ex partner? 

Sea_Shell

Well unless you both agree to sign the house sale/purchase papers, I'm not sure there is much she can actually DO, other than threaten to leave.    If you are adamant about not moving again, especially to this place which sounds like it would be bad for the family unit as a whole, then stand your ground and let her do what she needs to do, without your co-operation.    It may be the end of your relationship however, as the atmosphere in the home will just get worse and worse, until something else gives.

This reminds me of a old Wham! song...."Everything she wants".   

74jax

OK from what I'm reading, you can't actually get this cottage as you can't afford it, it's that right? 
You could either let her carry on until the point a financial institution says no they won't lend you or you just say now you don't want to. 
As she has issued the ultimatum then sadly she's ending it. That is what she needs to understand SHE is ending it. 
I would start now looking ahead for your family. Would she move in with mother, would kids be 50/50.I'm a very pragmatic person so I'd be planning ahead.  
She issued the ultimation, but I'd be acting on it and getting my stuff in order. 

Ditzy_Mitzy

She is being unreasonable, firstly.  
Secondly, and perhaps more importantly, she is unhappy with something.  Her life, as it is now, is not satisfying her.  Or, more likely, she has convinced herself that the situation is unsatisfactory.  As a response she has mentally constructed a wholly imaginary other life where she is happy.  The fantasy, in her case, is of being a country woman in tatty old jeans and a bodywarmer who lives in a sprawling farmhouse full of dogs and the smell of baking bread.  There will be Emma Bridgewater mugs of tea on the scarred old kitchen table, horse show rosettes on the dresser, a selection of friendly equines in the stables and free range chickens scratching about in the farm yard.  
It's not real.  In fact it's downright destructive.  The fantasy can never be realised because even if one collects together all of the ephemera that make it up: be it English pastoral like this; the city slicker's suits and smartphone; or the hippie beach beach bum's guitar and classic camper van, one remains oneself.  Unfortunately, fatuous modern maxims such as 'if you can dream it, you can do it' and 'be the best you' tend to encourage this sort of thinking.  God knows there's enough salesmen out there who will tell one that happiness comes with a new designer wardrobe, nose job or motor cruiser.  
It sounds, from what has been said vis a vis the trailer tent and dog grooming, as if she has been down this road before.  She will continue on it until she becomes aware that it is a road to nowhere.  
Have you had such a conversation, OP?  
She might benefit from talking to someone else, perhaps someone skilled in this sort of thing.  She needs to learn that happy people enjoy things; things don't make happy people.  
There's every chance that, if she sorts herself out, that the crazier ideas will fall by the wayside.  She might, on reflection, realise that what she is proposing is selfish.  

gettingtheresometime

Mickey666 said:

sheramber said:

if you move tot eh country you will end up running a taxi service for your children when they are old enough to want to go to after school activities, meet up with their friends at  the weekends, go to clubs in the evening,  do swimming or play football or tennis and such at weekends and not at the same times or venues.
I lived happily in a rural area until recently and  saw first hand how parents had to constantly ferry the children around.

What a very sad outlook.  Isn't that what parents are supposed to do - support and encourage their children?
I used to spend many happy hours and whole weekends driving all over the country for Junior's various sporting events.  Later, as he focused in on one particular sport his enthusiasm and dedication was rewarded with many wins and national championships.  He was subsequently selected for the GB Team for his sport and represented his country internationally five times, first as a junior then later in the men's team, and we had many memorable trips abroad to European and World Championships.  If parents are not prepared to put in the time and effort to support their children, how can they be expected to fulfil their true potential?

I think you're trying to compare apples and oranges.

MrBrindle

74jax said:

OK from what I'm reading, you can't actually get this cottage as you can't afford it, it's that right? 
You could either let her carry on until the point a financial institution says no they won't lend you or you just say now you don't want to. 
As she has issued the ultimatum then sadly she's ending it. That is what she needs to understand SHE is ending it. 
I would start now looking ahead for your family. Would she move in with mother, would kids be 50/50.I'm a very pragmatic person so I'd be planning ahead.  
She issued the ultimation, but I'd be acting on it and getting my stuff in order. 

Well, we don't even know the facts yet - price. Hell, she hasn't even been inside the house herself but she wants it!

We went to see a one bed cottage last year with one acre that needed re-roofing and completely gutting, and also extending - probably best part of £50,000. The cottage was only £10,000 cheaper than our house so this was financially impossible. She wanted to make an offer on the house, but we missed out (thank god) because there were cash buyers ready to go.  

Perhaps you are right about getting my stuff in order, I will look into that if she us ultimately serious about whether it's me or the cottage.