What qualities do women want/value in a relationship?

AskAsk

CharllieSays said:

I think most people avoid doing proper 'vetting' before they get into a relationship, so it's doomed from the start. So many people latch on to the first person that shows interest, rushes to tie themselves to a house/marriage/kids, then later realises they aren't compatible and has to go through all the hoops of either trying to force things to work or going through divorce. If people spent longer beforehand working out exactly what they want/need in a partner and then waited until that person came along, I think it would solve a LOT of problems.

I've been single for nearly 6 years now (although been on lots of dates) and forced myself to focus on what I needed and what I was happy to compromise on. And more importantly, what I definitely did not want in a partner. It also forced me to learn how to rely on myself and to get used to being alone so that I wouldn't be scared to walk away from the wrong person. I've had many guys approach me, but in hindsight I'm very glad I didn't accept as I would be miserable now. I would rather be alone than with the wrong person. I've also had a lot of time to work on myself and I'm genuinely happy with who I am as a person now. It sounds egotistical, but I'm looking for someone who is the male version of me, but with a few complimentary differences.

So someone who is also an entrepreneur, enjoys travelling, tech, odd humour, likes cats, is similar age (late 30s), same culture/background/values/energy/personality, and is done having kids (although I wouldn't mind being a step-mum if they have kids already). I'm very affectionate and giving and have attracted a lot of takers, so want someone that is like me there. I also want someone that will encourage me rather than being intimidated and competing/insulting me. I want a team mate, not a rival. Physically, I like tall guys who aren't gym bunnies (not a fan of big muscles). I don't care about model looks, grey hair, 'dad bods', etc. As long as they are healthy enough that I don't have to worry over them having a heart attack any moment!

i often hear the saying that there is someone out there for everyone or that for every pot there is a lid that will fit.  that there is the other ME out there some where and you just have to find that person.  however, i think this is wishful thinking and if you are looking into too much detail as what you want the other person to be and what they need to have, you can find yourself looking for a very long time and will end up on your own.

there is of course nothing wrong with being on your own if you don't mind being so and more people in the UK are now living on their own, which is the growing trend as people are less likely to get involved with just anybody.

i find for a relationship to work it needs both partners to work at the relationship and that you need to be able to give up a lot if you want to stay in a relationship as it is difficult to get two people to work as one person.  unless you are of this mind set, then you are better off on your own as no relationship is going to be easy and so if you want to stay in one, you need to be prepared to put in the effort to make it work.

although you should be careful when you choose a partner, it really does boil down to whether you love them or not.  and you will know if you love someone or not as you would feel miserable and lonely without them.  if you feel this then you are with the right partner.  it doesn't mean the relationship is perfect but you know that you are in the relationship for a reason and that is because you want to be with the other person.

it sounds like you have never been in love.  when you do, very little else matters.

TuppenceWorth

burlingtonfl6 said:

CharllieSays said:

I think most people avoid doing proper 'vetting' before they get into a relationship, so it's doomed from the start. So many people latch on to the first person that shows interest, rushes to tie themselves to a house/marriage/kids, then later realises they aren't compatible and has to go through all the hoops of either trying to force things to work or going through divorce. If people spent longer beforehand working out exactly what they want/need in a partner and then waited until that person came along, I think it would solve a LOT of problems.

I've been single for nearly 6 years now (although been on lots of dates) and forced myself to focus on what I needed and what I was happy to compromise on. And more importantly, what I definitely did not want in a partner. It also forced me to learn how to rely on myself and to get used to being alone so that I wouldn't be scared to walk away from the wrong person. I've had many guys approach me, but in hindsight I'm very glad I didn't accept as I would be miserable now. I would rather be alone than with the wrong person. I've also had a lot of time to work on myself and I'm genuinely happy with who I am as a person now. It sounds egotistical, but I'm looking for someone who is the male version of me, but with a few complimentary differences.

So someone who is also an entrepreneur, enjoys travelling, tech, odd humour, likes cats, is similar age (late 30s), same culture/background/values/energy/personality, and is done having kids (although I wouldn't mind being a step-mum if they have kids already). I'm very affectionate and giving and have attracted a lot of takers, so want someone that is like me there. I also want someone that will encourage me rather than being intimidated and competing/insulting me. I want a team mate, not a rival. Physically, I like tall guys who aren't gym bunnies (not a fan of big muscles). I don't care about model looks, grey hair, 'dad bods', etc. As long as they are healthy enough that I don't have to worry over them having a heart attack any moment!

The problem you have is the men that are your age (who have their sht together) will generally have the option to date women in their late 20's and early 30's....and men, in general, prefer that.

Sorry...
Way off the mark.
Men that have their foecal matter together want women who can offer companionship. Which in my mind means similar experiences, world views etc

AskAsk

burlingtonfl6 said:

CharllieSays said:

I think most people avoid doing proper 'vetting' before they get into a relationship, so it's doomed from the start. So many people latch on to the first person that shows interest, rushes to tie themselves to a house/marriage/kids, then later realises they aren't compatible and has to go through all the hoops of either trying to force things to work or going through divorce. If people spent longer beforehand working out exactly what they want/need in a partner and then waited until that person came along, I think it would solve a LOT of problems.

I've been single for nearly 6 years now (although been on lots of dates) and forced myself to focus on what I needed and what I was happy to compromise on. And more importantly, what I definitely did not want in a partner. It also forced me to learn how to rely on myself and to get used to being alone so that I wouldn't be scared to walk away from the wrong person. I've had many guys approach me, but in hindsight I'm very glad I didn't accept as I would be miserable now. I would rather be alone than with the wrong person. I've also had a lot of time to work on myself and I'm genuinely happy with who I am as a person now. It sounds egotistical, but I'm looking for someone who is the male version of me, but with a few complimentary differences.

So someone who is also an entrepreneur, enjoys travelling, tech, odd humour, likes cats, is similar age (late 30s), same culture/background/values/energy/personality, and is done having kids (although I wouldn't mind being a step-mum if they have kids already). I'm very affectionate and giving and have attracted a lot of takers, so want someone that is like me there. I also want someone that will encourage me rather than being intimidated and competing/insulting me. I want a team mate, not a rival. Physically, I like tall guys who aren't gym bunnies (not a fan of big muscles). I don't care about model looks, grey hair, 'dad bods', etc. As long as they are healthy enough that I don't have to worry over them having a heart attack any moment!

The problem you have is the men that are your age (who have their sht together) will generally have the option to date women in their late 20's and early 30's....and men, in general, prefer that.

i don't think it will be as far back as late 20s or early 30s but it could be 5 years less.  the average age gap of british couples is 4 to 5 years, although it did say this gap is narrowing, with the man being 4 to 5 years older than their female partner.

i think 2 to 3 years is more the average in my experience.

however women do tend to get attracted to men older than themselves and men tend to get attracted to women younger than themselves.  when a woman gets to her late 30s, there is the issue of children as a woman is less fertile after mid 30s, so a man in his late 30s who has not been married before may want someone a lot younger if he wants children.

burlingtonfl6

TuppenceWorth said:

burlingtonfl6 said:

CharllieSays said:

I think most people avoid doing proper 'vetting' before they get into a relationship, so it's doomed from the start. So many people latch on to the first person that shows interest, rushes to tie themselves to a house/marriage/kids, then later realises they aren't compatible and has to go through all the hoops of either trying to force things to work or going through divorce. If people spent longer beforehand working out exactly what they want/need in a partner and then waited until that person came along, I think it would solve a LOT of problems.

I've been single for nearly 6 years now (although been on lots of dates) and forced myself to focus on what I needed and what I was happy to compromise on. And more importantly, what I definitely did not want in a partner. It also forced me to learn how to rely on myself and to get used to being alone so that I wouldn't be scared to walk away from the wrong person. I've had many guys approach me, but in hindsight I'm very glad I didn't accept as I would be miserable now. I would rather be alone than with the wrong person. I've also had a lot of time to work on myself and I'm genuinely happy with who I am as a person now. It sounds egotistical, but I'm looking for someone who is the male version of me, but with a few complimentary differences.

So someone who is also an entrepreneur, enjoys travelling, tech, odd humour, likes cats, is similar age (late 30s), same culture/background/values/energy/personality, and is done having kids (although I wouldn't mind being a step-mum if they have kids already). I'm very affectionate and giving and have attracted a lot of takers, so want someone that is like me there. I also want someone that will encourage me rather than being intimidated and competing/insulting me. I want a team mate, not a rival. Physically, I like tall guys who aren't gym bunnies (not a fan of big muscles). I don't care about model looks, grey hair, 'dad bods', etc. As long as they are healthy enough that I don't have to worry over them having a heart attack any moment!

The problem you have is the men that are your age (who have their sht together) will generally have the option to date women in their late 20's and early 30's....and men, in general, prefer that.

Sorry...
Way off the mark.
Men that have their foecal matter together want women who can offer companionship. Which in my mind means similar experiences, world views etc

Haha, good one.
Those men want women who are attractive, are easy to get along with and haven't had too many sexual partners.
Your experiences and world views aren't important 

Alias_Omega

CharllieSays said:

So someone who is also an entrepreneur, enjoys travelling, tech, odd humour, likes cats, is similar age (late 30s), same culture/background/values/energy/personality, and is done having kids (although I wouldn't mind being a step-mum if they have kids already). I'm very affectionate and giving and have attracted a lot of takers, so want someone that is like me there. I also want someone that will encourage me rather than being intimidated and competing/insulting me. I want a team mate, not a rival. Physically, I like tall guys who aren't gym bunnies (not a fan of big muscles). I don't care about model looks, grey hair, 'dad bods', etc. As long as they are healthy enough that I don't have to worry over them having a heart attack any moment!

I met the wrong person, and now (post divorce) wish to remain single and be happy. I set myself a NY resolution to remain single for a year and feel you on what you have said. I guess in the future; I just need to meet someone who has the same core values, a breadwinner, motivated in life, traveller (not just spain every year) etc. Until then, i shall await the end of COVID and keep plodding on living life, solo.

Android07

I thought it was a big ***asset***. Dammm.. why did I get that surgery then?

CharllieSays

"The problem you have is the men that are your age (who have their sht together) will generally have the option to date women in their late 20's and early 30's....and men, in general, prefer that."

I don't think looking for a guy with grey hair, a 'dad bod', possibly kids, and not model looks is asking that much! I'm not looking for a millionaire either, just not willing to date another gold-digger (or whatever the male version is called). I'm specifically looking for men that either have kids already or don't want them, so the 'ticking biological clock' thing isn't an issue for me. Most of my dating pool are divorcees or single dads, which is fine.
And I think men still have a warped view of dating (much) younger women. Yes, young women will hook up with older guys in the short term (I did this myself in college), but generally not for longer term relationships unless they want a walking bank account to pay for things (same reason I attracted a younger man wanting me to pay for things). It wasn't because I was physically attracted to much older guys and I wouldn't have been happy staying with him. It was just a paid roleplay, which we both understood. But most women prefer men only a few years older and will look for someone in that group to settle down. A 25 year old will very rarely want to marry a 40+ man unless he is very 'generous' and/or looks much younger (which the average 40 year old doesn't). The men wanting anything more than a short term hookup know this unless they don't mind constantly paying out for women to act like they are in love. I've seen a couple of male relatives go through this realisation after dating a couple of young women post-divorce and blowing through a lot of money fast. It's the same deal with cougars, now that women are starting to have more money. They attract younger men because they have resources, not because the men prefer older women per se (outside of a minority of fetishes). Women are more aware of this, since they've been doing it for millenia to stay alive. Men are still a bit deluded there.

To be clear, I'm not knocking the golddigger-sugar daddy/mummy arrangement, as if both people are consenting adults and just want sex/money then that's fine. My 24 year old cousin was dating a 43 year old until recently and they both knew what the deal was. But both of them are looking for an actual relationship now, so they ended it amicably and found partners closer to their age. I had no problem with it, as they both got what they wanted. My cousin had lots of nice holidays, gifts, had help paying for things, got to escape from the typical broke 20s lifestyle for a bit. He got to have sex with a woman that wouldn't have been interested in him otherwise. Win-win.

I could do the same with younger men. I could go on one of the cougar sites and hook up with a very fit 20s guy without grey hair, beer-belly, kids, etc that older men generally have. It would be the same type of arrangement. But I want something long term that's based on love.

sevenhills

My last GF was 6 years younger than me, any more would be detrimental. I would be perfectly ok with a GF 10+ years younger, if it would work; but it's only celebs that can do that.

HouseTargaryen

In my experiance, they want money. In the two times in my long life that my income dried up I was dumped. Their reasons was because they just "fell out of love" with me. But really, it was because without money, women fall out of love quickly. Woman reading this may say "I am different". You think you are, but when you're in that position you'll kid yourself that the lack of money is not the reason for falling out of love.

TuppenceWorth

HouseTargaryen said:

In my experiance, they want money. In the two times in my long life that my income dried up I was dumped. Their reasons was because they just "fell out of love" with me. But really, it was because without money, women fall out of love quickly. Woman reading this may say "I am different". You think you are, but when you're in that position you'll kid yourself that the lack of money is not the reason for falling out of love.

This is probably true for women who feel that an eyelash flutter and faking in bed should entitle them to a kings ransom. Not so for a career woman with a brain. 
The former should be avoided. I'm hoping to find the latter who is also genuine and nice. Wish me luck...