I've really messed up

DizzyDizzy10

Aranyani said:

DizzyDizzy10 said:

He has replied to my e-mail sending him the cancellation notices saying I didn't need to send it and he hopes I got home ok.

I thought he said he wanted to see them?

I thought so too but his e-mail said I didn't need to send them.

Mrsn

DizzyDizzy10 said:

I've got so much racing through my mind. The real me had so much going for me. Now I just feel empty.

The real you is still there, yes you are probably very numb right now (that is to be expected) but you’ve made great strides to change that so far.

Be kind to yourself, this is going to be a steep learning curve. Nobody and I mean nobody is perfect! You were dealt a very rough hand when you were a teenager and have managed to feed, clothe and home yourself. 

Whatever happens going forward with your partner you have made the important decision to make changes, don’t lose sight of that.

DizzyDizzy10

nora_nora said:

AskAsk said:

MalMonroe said:

AskAsk said:

too late i think.  he will leave as this is too much for any ordinary person to take onboard.

Wow. How judgemental is that?

escort is not an acceptable occupation in general society, which is why the OP did not dare to tell her boyfriend.  if it was, there would be no reason to hide it at all or to post this thread.

if the OP does work as an escort and she wants a long term relationship, then she would have to be upfront and tell the person she meets right at the beginning that she is an escort and they accept it, then it is fine.  but 11 months down the line, to tell someone you have something that is very important that you have hidden from them, is a little too late to dump it on them.  they would feel they have been taken for a ride for so long (i certainly would if i found out my partner was an escort) and they would start to wonder what else you haven't told them.

it doesn't bode well for a long term relationship, where you haven't been straight with the other person.  they will always have that niggle in their mind about going forward.  a mistrust in you as you haven't been honest and upfront about yourself when they met you, and for another 11 moths afterwards.

That's the thing that i think would do it for me, the deceit. If someone could deceive me that long overs something that important what else could they deceive me about? This wasn't a relationship based on trust from the outset & that would be an issue for me.

You just don't blurt it out and the more and more I fell for him the harder it become.

I know I am a terrible person nothing can make me feel worse.

nora_nora

DizzyDizzy10 said:

nora_nora said:

AskAsk said:

MalMonroe said:

AskAsk said:

too late i think.  he will leave as this is too much for any ordinary person to take onboard.

Wow. How judgemental is that?

escort is not an acceptable occupation in general society, which is why the OP did not dare to tell her boyfriend.  if it was, there would be no reason to hide it at all or to post this thread.

if the OP does work as an escort and she wants a long term relationship, then she would have to be upfront and tell the person she meets right at the beginning that she is an escort and they accept it, then it is fine.  but 11 months down the line, to tell someone you have something that is very important that you have hidden from them, is a little too late to dump it on them.  they would feel they have been taken for a ride for so long (i certainly would if i found out my partner was an escort) and they would start to wonder what else you haven't told them.

it doesn't bode well for a long term relationship, where you haven't been straight with the other person.  they will always have that niggle in their mind about going forward.  a mistrust in you as you haven't been honest and upfront about yourself when they met you, and for another 11 moths afterwards.

That's the thing that i think would do it for me, the deceit. If someone could deceive me that long overs something that important what else could they deceive me about? This wasn't a relationship based on trust from the outset & that would be an issue for me.

You just don't blurt it out and the more and more I fell for him the harder it become.

I know I am a terrible person nothing can make me feel worse.

Without sounding too blunt perhaps try to think of his feelings, this seems more about how you feel. You knew you were an escort from the start. He didn't. And whether intended or not that wasn't giving him a fair chance to decide if he really wanted to be in a relationship with an escort. You could have stopped it but chose not to and that unfortunately is where i tend to feel more for him in this situation. I just don't see how the trust can be rebuilt here sadly. 

DizzyDizzy10

Mrsn said:

DizzyDizzy10 said:

I've got so much racing through my mind. The real me had so much going for me. Now I just feel empty.

The real you is still there, yes you are probably very numb right now (that is to be expected) but you’ve made great strides to change that so far.

Be kind to yourself, this is going to be a steep learning curve. Nobody and I mean nobody is perfect! You were dealt a very rough hand when you were a teenager and have managed to feed, clothe and home yourself. 

Whatever happens going forward with your partner you have made the important decision to make changes, don’t lose sight of that.

Thank you, I just hope my boyfriend see's the good in me, I hope he knows I'm still that same person who adores him, Everything we had together was real.

People seem to think that when I am working, that is me. It is not Its a persona. it was not the real me. 

DizzyDizzy10

nora_nora said:

DizzyDizzy10 said:

nora_nora said:

AskAsk said:

MalMonroe said:

AskAsk said:

too late i think.  he will leave as this is too much for any ordinary person to take onboard.

Wow. How judgemental is that?

escort is not an acceptable occupation in general society, which is why the OP did not dare to tell her boyfriend.  if it was, there would be no reason to hide it at all or to post this thread.

if the OP does work as an escort and she wants a long term relationship, then she would have to be upfront and tell the person she meets right at the beginning that she is an escort and they accept it, then it is fine.  but 11 months down the line, to tell someone you have something that is very important that you have hidden from them, is a little too late to dump it on them.  they would feel they have been taken for a ride for so long (i certainly would if i found out my partner was an escort) and they would start to wonder what else you haven't told them.

it doesn't bode well for a long term relationship, where you haven't been straight with the other person.  they will always have that niggle in their mind about going forward.  a mistrust in you as you haven't been honest and upfront about yourself when they met you, and for another 11 moths afterwards.

That's the thing that i think would do it for me, the deceit. If someone could deceive me that long overs something that important what else could they deceive me about? This wasn't a relationship based on trust from the outset & that would be an issue for me.

You just don't blurt it out and the more and more I fell for him the harder it become.

I know I am a terrible person nothing can make me feel worse.

Without sounding too blunt perhaps try to think of his feelings, this seems more about how you feel. You knew you were an escort from the start. He didn't. And whether intended or not that wasn't giving him a fair chance to decide if he really wanted to be in a relationship with an escort. You could have stopped it but chose not to and that unfortunately is where i tend to feel more for him in this situation. I just don't see how the trust can be rebuilt here sadly. 

I thought of nothing else than how much he is hurting and how much he feels let down and lied to  

nora_nora

I'm sorry but i just can't sugar coat this for you. You talk repeatedly about how you feel about it & maybe that's part of the problem here. How do you suppose he might be feeling at the moment? Right now he probably feels cheated, made a fool of, taken for a ride, deceived, lied to, hurt, humiliated, stupid, scared, and a whole lot more but you seem more concerned about how you feel. At least that how it comes over in your posts. I think the kindest thing you can do is just let him go and move on. Just don't omit the fact you're an escort next time. 

AskAsk

nora_nora said:

AskAsk said:

MalMonroe said:

AskAsk said:

too late i think.  he will leave as this is too much for any ordinary person to take onboard.

Wow. How judgemental is that?

escort is not an acceptable occupation in general society, which is why the OP did not dare to tell her boyfriend.  if it was, there would be no reason to hide it at all or to post this thread.

if the OP does work as an escort and she wants a long term relationship, then she would have to be upfront and tell the person she meets right at the beginning that she is an escort and they accept it, then it is fine.  but 11 months down the line, to tell someone you have something that is very important that you have hidden from them, is a little too late to dump it on them.  they would feel they have been taken for a ride for so long (i certainly would if i found out my partner was an escort) and they would start to wonder what else you haven't told them.

it doesn't bode well for a long term relationship, where you haven't been straight with the other person.  they will always have that niggle in their mind about going forward.  a mistrust in you as you haven't been honest and upfront about yourself when they met you, and for another 11 moths afterwards.

That's the thing that i think would do it for me, the deceit. If someone could deceive me that long overs something that important what else could they deceive me about? This wasn't a relationship based on trust from the outset & that would be an issue for me.

i don't believe everything the OP is saying.  if she was an escort when she met her boyfriend and she never told him, then why does she feel the need to tell him now?  most people who hide their past will just bury it and move on, until it is found out.
i don't think it is fair for someone to hide that they work as an escort when the relationship starts to become serious.  11 months into a relationship is a long time beyond serious.

sorry, if it was me, i would be very disappointed and upset and i would definitely leave as there is no point in staying with someone who has been dishonest to this extent.  i would never trust them again.  the damage has been done.

DizzyDizzy10

AskAsk said:

nora_nora said:

AskAsk said:

MalMonroe said:

AskAsk said:

too late i think.  he will leave as this is too much for any ordinary person to take onboard.

Wow. How judgemental is that?

escort is not an acceptable occupation in general society, which is why the OP did not dare to tell her boyfriend.  if it was, there would be no reason to hide it at all or to post this thread.

if the OP does work as an escort and she wants a long term relationship, then she would have to be upfront and tell the person she meets right at the beginning that she is an escort and they accept it, then it is fine.  but 11 months down the line, to tell someone you have something that is very important that you have hidden from them, is a little too late to dump it on them.  they would feel they have been taken for a ride for so long (i certainly would if i found out my partner was an escort) and they would start to wonder what else you haven't told them.

it doesn't bode well for a long term relationship, where you haven't been straight with the other person.  they will always have that niggle in their mind about going forward.  a mistrust in you as you haven't been honest and upfront about yourself when they met you, and for another 11 moths afterwards.

That's the thing that i think would do it for me, the deceit. If someone could deceive me that long overs something that important what else could they deceive me about? This wasn't a relationship based on trust from the outset & that would be an issue for me.

i don't believe everything the OP is saying.  if she was an escort when she met her boyfriend and she never told him, then why does she feel the need to tell him now?  most people who hide their past will just bury it and move on, until it is found out.
i don't think it is fair for someone to hide that they work as an escort when the relationship starts to become serious.  11 months into a relationship is a long time beyond serious.

sorry, if it was me, i would be very disappointed and upset and i would definitely leave as there is no point in staying with someone who has been dishonest to this extent.  i would never trust them again.  the damage has been done.

Why do I need to tell him? I fell in love with him and I felt I needed to tell him everything. Because he has made me want to be a better person than that.

If it was still active I'd send you a link to my profile on AW. 

pollyanna_26

nora_nora said:

I'm sorry but i just can't sugar coat this for you. You talk repeatedly about how you feel about it & maybe that's part of the problem here. How do you suppose he might be feeling at the moment? Right now he probably feels cheated, made a fool of, taken for a ride, deceived, lied to, hurt, humiliated, stupid, scared, and a whole lot more but you seem more concerned about how you feel. At least that how it comes over in your posts. I think the kindest thing you can do is just let him go and move on. Just don't omit the fact you're an escort next time. 

I believe the OP is talking about how she is feeling as she has no idea how he is feeling at the moment. She has stated she's wondering how he is etc.

I'm not convinced letting him go is the answer. The choice is his and no one elses. I've experience of a number of women who ended up in escort work. From what I've read however this goes the OP will not be returning to her old job. She's had a real life wake up call and was already planning a different way of earning. People don't go into that line of work lightly. Often it's the only choice in desperate times.

Personally I would never judge anyone unless I'd walked a mile in their shoes.

polly