I've really messed up

DizzyDizzy10

He has replied to my e-mail sending him the cancellation notices saying I didn't need to send it and he hopes I got home ok.

pollyanna_26

You can't change the past OP . I feel you need to be kinder to yourself , you aren't a really bad person. I did some work with youngsters leaving care with no support at all and they struggled to make a life.

Being cast out due to exam results is apppaling and leads to feeling unloved and rejected . I can understand when you found someone you really cared for you would be afraid to lose them even if your job wasn't the reason.

You didn't become a begger on the streets or involved in drug running. You took what you could find. We can't predict how things will go with your boyfriend but I'm impressed you have saved and planned for a different future.

You come across as both intelligent and articulate so no reason a better job wont come your way.

You must have great strength to have survived so far. I wish you the best however things work out.

Don't be hasty rejecting either support or counselling. For every opinionated not fit for purpose person in agencies there are many more waiting to help.  There will be echoes of the past which may have left you feeling unworthy or unwanted. Instead of judging yourself seek support to work through those thoughts and feelings.

polly

Grumpy_chap

DizzyDizzy10 said:

 on reflection I feel like I am a really bad person for not saying earlier.

Feeling bad about yourself is unwarranted and won't help the situation.  It sounds like you had very tough circumstances and did what you needed to do.

DizzyDizzy10 said:

He has replied to my e-mail sending him the cancellation notices saying I didn't need to send it and he hopes I got home ok.

Whether he stays or goes, he is at least being decent - he does sound like a "keeper"

DizzyDizzy10

pollyanna_26 said:

You can't change the past OP . I feel you need to be kinder to yourself , you aren't a really bad person. I did some work with youngsters leaving care with no support at all and they struggled to make a life.

Being cast out due to exam results is apppaling and leads to feeling unloved and rejected . I can understand when you found someone you really cared for you would be afraid to lose them even if your job wasn't the reason.

You didn't become a begger on the streets or involved in drug running. You took what you could find. We can't predict how things will go with your boyfriend but I'm impressed you have saved and planned for a different future.

You come across as both intelligent and articulate so no reason a better job wont come your way.

You must have great strength to have survived so far. I wish you the best however things work out.

Don't be hasty rejecting either support or counselling. For every opinionated not fit for purpose person in agencies there are many more waiting to help.  There will be echoes of the past which may have left you feeling unworthy or unwanted. Instead of judging yourself seek support to work through those thoughts and feelings.

polly

Thank you. I really struggled in school and hated it because of this. I have been googling and my local council are doing virtual Maths and English lessons so I have enquired how to start them, maybe get my GCSEs or some certificate just to show I have a certificate or 2. 

When I was working, I would try and learn by improving my reading and been learning by watching Youtube documentaries. 

When I know what is going on I will look to get help for my thoughts. 

AskAsk

MalMonroe said:

AskAsk said:

too late i think.  he will leave as this is too much for any ordinary person to take onboard.

Wow. How judgemental is that?

escort is not an acceptable occupation in general society, which is why the OP did not dare to tell her boyfriend.  if it was, there would be no reason to hide it at all or to post this thread.

if the OP does work as an escort and she wants a long term relationship, then she would have to be upfront and tell the person she meets right at the beginning that she is an escort and they accept it, then it is fine.  but 11 months down the line, to tell someone you have something that is very important that you have hidden from them, is a little too late to dump it on them.  they would feel they have been taken for a ride for so long (i certainly would if i found out my partner was an escort) and they would start to wonder what else you haven't told them.

it doesn't bode well for a long term relationship, where you haven't been straight with the other person.  they will always have that niggle in their mind about going forward.  a mistrust in you as you haven't been honest and upfront about yourself when they met you, and for another 11 moths afterwards.

pollyanna_26

The virtual Maths and English would be a very good start. There are many opportunities online to gain some qualifications. Many more than there were before the pandemic. Learning can be a life long experience.

Your bf does sound decent and caring so fingers crossed all will be well.When you're sorted do get some help dealing with the thoughts. You don't have to carry the memories and feelings through life and decent counselling and support will help you move forward.

pollyx

Aranyani

DizzyDizzy10 said:

Aranyani said:

DizzyDizzy10 said:

I have monthly checkups yes and can prove them all. 

This wouldn't cut it for me.  

I could come to terms with the sex worker thing, but not with you putting my health and life at risk for 11 months without giving me the opportunity to make an informed choice about that risk. 

I appreciate that and on reflection I feel like I am a really bad person for not saying earlier.

Doing a bad thing doesn't mean you are an entirely bad person, but that was a poor way to treat somebody you love. 

Aranyani

DizzyDizzy10 said:

He has replied to my e-mail sending him the cancellation notices saying I didn't need to send it and he hopes I got home ok.

I thought he said he wanted to see them?

nora_nora

AskAsk said:

MalMonroe said:

AskAsk said:

too late i think.  he will leave as this is too much for any ordinary person to take onboard.

Wow. How judgemental is that?

escort is not an acceptable occupation in general society, which is why the OP did not dare to tell her boyfriend.  if it was, there would be no reason to hide it at all or to post this thread.

if the OP does work as an escort and she wants a long term relationship, then she would have to be upfront and tell the person she meets right at the beginning that she is an escort and they accept it, then it is fine.  but 11 months down the line, to tell someone you have something that is very important that you have hidden from them, is a little too late to dump it on them.  they would feel they have been taken for a ride for so long (i certainly would if i found out my partner was an escort) and they would start to wonder what else you haven't told them.

it doesn't bode well for a long term relationship, where you haven't been straight with the other person.  they will always have that niggle in their mind about going forward.  a mistrust in you as you haven't been honest and upfront about yourself when they met you, and for another 11 moths afterwards.

That's the thing that i think would do it for me, the deceit. If someone could deceive me that long overs something that important what else could they deceive me about? This wasn't a relationship based on trust from the outset & that would be an issue for me.

DizzyDizzy10

AskAsk said:

MalMonroe said:

AskAsk said:

too late i think.  he will leave as this is too much for any ordinary person to take onboard.

Wow. How judgemental is that?

escort is not an acceptable occupation in general society, which is why the OP did not dare to tell her boyfriend.  if it was, there would be no reason to hide it at all or to post this thread.

if the OP does work as an escort and she wants a long term relationship, then she would have to be upfront and tell the person she meets right at the beginning that she is an escort and they accept it, then it is fine.  but 11 months down the line, to tell someone you have something that is very important that you have hidden from them, is a little too late to dump it on them.  they would feel they have been taken for a ride for so long (i certainly would if i found out my partner was an escort) and they would start to wonder what else you haven't told them.

it doesn't bode well for a long term relationship, where you haven't been straight with the other person.  they will always have that niggle in their mind about going forward.  a mistrust in you as you haven't been honest and upfront about yourself when they met you, and for another 11 moths afterwards.

It was a case I wanted to tell him but as time got on it got harder and harder. I never intentionally wanted to hurt him or string him along

pollyanna_26 said:

The virtual Maths and English would be a very good start. There are many opportunities online to gain some qualifications. Many more than there were before the pandemic. Learning can be a life long experience.

Your bf does sound decent and caring so fingers crossed all will be well.When you're sorted do get some help dealing with the thoughts. You don't have to carry the memories and feelings through life and decent counselling and support will help you move forward.

pollyx

I've seen a lot of courses that interest me. I've had a spark over the last few years to learn. I remember one time when my boyfriend come round he found my GCSE books I had bought for Maths, I just remember that night we talked about maths and he just explained lots to me. Didn't think I was stupid. Another good date we had was he took me to the science museum. 

I've got so much racing through my mind. The real me had so much going for me. Now I just feel empty.