I've really messed up

MalMonroe

AskAsk said:

too late i think.  he will leave as this is too much for any ordinary person to take onboard.

Wow. How judgemental is that?

billy2shots

Whilst you have no control in what happens next, you do have full control in what happens after your bf makes his decision. 
Turning your back on your old life will mean future relationships (if it comes to that) will not be affected. 

Good luck, I hope it works out well for you long term regardless of how things go in the short-term. 

MalMonroe

DizzyDizzy10 said:

To add. I know I'm the worst human on the planet. I know I should have told him a long time ago. Nothing no one can say can make me feel worse.

If that was the last hug he ever gives me, then it'll remind me of what I've lost.

You are NOT the worst human on the planet! I think you are very brave for not only telling your b/f what you've been doing to earn a living and also for coming on this forum, where you risked being judged right, left and centre by people who have no right to judge you.

You did what you had to do to survive. And you are a very strong, independent woman. 

If this man rejects you then that's really his loss, I know you say you love him but if he rejects you now then you are better off without him. 

You say "I've forwarded him the e-mails of me applying and me handing the notice on my month to month tenancy of my work flat." but I wouldn't even have done that, he's not your judge and jury and I hate when women feel they have to do things like that just to please a man. Yes I know you deceived him in the past but that's in the past. He either believes you or he doesn't. His choice.

I'm just worried about what you'll do now to survive, will you have to claim benefits? 

Hold your head up high and even if you lose this relationship it won't be the end of the world. We're not living in the 1950s any more and to quote a song from that era, 'got along without you before I met you, gonna get along without you now'!  It's true -  I know from personal experience.  Good luck to you. Head up!!

lesalanos

Try not to punish yourself too much.  You are far from the worst person in the world.  

You have opened up to him now.  I hope that he takes his time and doesn't react without thinking.  

You chose to tell him now as things are at the point where you couldn't progress with him and still work as an escort.  

You did what you had to do in order to survive in life.  With your parents "abandoning" you at 16 you are not used to feeling close, or loved.  Nobody has given you anything.

Something inside changed with him now and you should be proud of yourself that you want to change and to do it for him and for yourself. 

Hope it works out  

Artytarty

You are far from being a terrible person!
youve told the truth to someone you love when you didnt have to.
you care enough to change. Yiu are trying to find another path.
for what its worth I dont even think what you did was that terrible.

Grumpy_chap

Hello DizzyDizzy - you have done the hardest part, so well done on achieving that.  Maybe the current fella will come back to you, maybe there will be a rocky path with him for a while, or maybe this will be the end of both parts of "now" and the start of a wholly new future.  However things pan out, there are support services that you can call on for "women's refuge" so do use them if you need to and good luck!

DizzyDizzy10

Someone asked how I will survive until I get a job I have savings to see me through. As for womens refuges. I tried to talk to one person at an Escort support service about something that had happened and she just  made out it was part of the job.

I've just decided there is more to life than what I have. Not including my boyfriend in that because he is such a gentleman with me. The only person I've ever felt comfortable with, 

I have been thinking about the what ifs, I actually taught myself to cook using all the apprentice materials I had. So if the Open University fails. I will take that up again. But a lot more maturer.

Grumpy_chap

DizzyDizzy10 said:

As for womens refuges. I tried to talk to one person at an Escort support service about something that had happened and she just  made out it was part of the job.

Whatever happened before, no-one deserves to be treated badly and nothing is "just part of the job" or should be dismissed as such.  Also, you have decided to leave that job behind now, so no future support services should be making judgements based on what your past job was.  The trained professionals at the support services should be able to see through to help you move forwards.

Aranyani

DizzyDizzy10 said:

I have monthly checkups yes and can prove them all. 

This wouldn't cut it for me.  

I could come to terms with the sex worker thing, but not with you putting my health and life at risk for 11 months without giving me the opportunity to make an informed choice about that risk. 

DizzyDizzy10

Aranyani said:

DizzyDizzy10 said:

I have monthly checkups yes and can prove them all. 

This wouldn't cut it for me.  

I could come to terms with the sex worker thing, but not with you putting my health and life at risk for 11 months without giving me the opportunity to make an informed choice about that risk. 

I appreciate that and on reflection I feel like I am a really bad person for not saying earlier.