Asking boyfriend to leave at short notice

[Deleted User]

I have also had police give very bad advice, forcing me to agree to a situation I shouldn't have been forced to  in a similar matter.  So sorry you found yourself in this situation.  

The only good thing is you know without a shadow of a doubt what a scoundrel/user he is.  And you know you are better and deserve better.  I must admit, many years ago I helped a friend of a friend.  After an slight tiff one night (there was no relationship) he phoned a friend and they left along with every single valuable thing I possessed the next day.  He had a drug problem I didn't know about.

Change the locks, leave his possessions somewhere he can get hold of them.  But phone Shelter beforehand to get the legal info you need to say you can do that if the police are called in again.  By having him there, you are at risk, sorry.  

Kim_kim

Aranyani said:

TBagpuss said:

OP, the police were wrong, the CAB were right. The police are not, in general, very knowledgeable about civil legal matters.
It would not be unreasonable for you to contact the police and ask to speak to a more senior officer, explain that you're concerned that the officers who brought him back gave you information which you have learned was legally entirely wrong, and that as a result the situation has been made worse, as they effectively forced you to have him in your home after you had made clear that you were not comfortable with that, and caused him to believe that he is entitled to be there when he is not (I am assuming that you didn't have a formal written agreement that he would get a months notice)  It is up to you whether you want to make it a formal complaint or not - if not, say you don't want to make a formal complaint but you do want those officers to be spoken to to make sure that they are not giving other people similar wrong information, as it could put vulnerable individuals at risk especially in cases where these is domestic abuse. 
In terms of the CAB advice - you would be in trouble if you binned his property or refused to hand it over but provided you give him reasonable time and opportunity to collect it it should not be a problem. 
Tell him you have taken further advice and he does have to leave in accordance with the 48 hours notice you gave him previously. 

I would make it a formal complaint.  Those officers have told a woman she HAS to allow a man she wants nothing to do with to live in her home.  There are many many ways that could have terrible consequences. 

It’s appalling and scary.
OP I am not trying to put words into your mouth but you do seem wary almost frightened of this man & what he may do - I think you said earlier back he was vengeful.
You MUST complain to the Police and INSIST they retract their insistence you have this man in your home.  You have a right to feel safe in your home and feel those within it, won’t do any harm to you or the home.
Stop letting people walk all over you & stand up for yourself & your rights.  

Barny1979

Hopefully the OP will be rid of him by the 26th

Daffodilly_2

I just wanted to update to confirm he has now left. For the purposes of future information for anyone who comes across this thread, Shelter wouldn’t give me any advice as they said it was a ‘family law issue’ because he was my ex boyfriend. I realised I had an acquaintance who worked in family law so contacted her for advice but was not able to move things forward from the 26th. 

He tried to push me to allow him to stay longer because he said he’d found somewhere to go but it wasn’t available til a week later. I obviously did not believe this. When I would not agree he was abusive verbally and over text message and kept saying he hadn’t had enough time to find somewhere to live. I did contact the police again to advise that the way their officers had acted had put me in a very difficult situation because part of his abusive monologues was about how I was an evil manipulative !!!!!! for illegally trying to kick him out without notice. I also updated them that I expected he wouldn’t move out on the 26th and asked what action to take. They told me I needed to specify a time that he needed to be out. That resulted in further abuse because he had got into his head that he could leave his belongings and his dog with me until he could move into his new property. I ended up going to stay with a friend and only communicating with him by text because there was no way of reasonable verbal conversation. He continued to state he had a legal right to leave his stuff, I had a duty of care to his dog and he would sue me for any damage. I stood my ground and eventually he conceded. I returned to the property yesterday and he had left, though his dog had urinated all over my doormat and he has left some belongings which I assume he does not want but I’ll need to seek further advice on those because I don’t want any comeback. I got the locks changed straight away and the locksmith is coming back to put a chain on the door.

I kept in contact with the police and they did end up doing the domestic abuse assessment and have recorded the instances of verbal abuse in person and over message. I have a folder of messages saved on my phone for if needed. They are not going to take further action at the moment but have given advice on what to do if anything further happens. I have blocked his number/social media accounts etc.

Meanwhile it has become clear that he most likely is seeing the other woman he was seen at our mutual hobby with and I suspect that he is the type to line several options up so he can immediately move on to the next person when one is no longer ‘meeting his needs’.

Thank you for all your advice and support.

Grumpysally

Well done for getting rid of him. No doubt he's probably wheedling his way into some other woman's home, playing for sympathy and telling her how badly you have treated him. May be in a few months she'll be looking for advice and come across this thread andthink 'this all sounds familiar'.

Do the other members of your mutal hobby know what's been going on? Don't let him drive you away from that if you want to keep doing it, but stay safe.

Draw a line under it now. Reflect how the situation came about, don't blame yourself but try and identify the warning signs that you initially missed so that you will recognise them in future.

Enjoy your hard won freedom.

Good luck for the future

TBagpuss

Well done for having got rid.

In relation to the other items, send him a message stating a deadline for him to collect them, the terms for doing so (e.g. give him 3 choices for specific date / times to collect and tell him how to contact you to confirm which date he wants (consider setting up a throwaway e-mail account to use solely for this purposse, then you can delete it once the time has passed) ) and state explicitly that if they are not collected you will assume that they have been abandoned and will dispose of them. 

I agree with the advice to let your friends at the shared hobby know the situation (very briefly - just say that you have had to tell him to leave and that you were forced to contact the police due to his abusive behavior and that you don't want to come into contact with him and are concerned that he may try to lie about what happened to cover up his actions)

Slinky

There's a saying that no good deed goes unpunished. Certainly seems to apply here to the OP. 

I hope you are able to move on with your life and not encounter him or his type again.

nora_nora

Out of interest, what is the shared hobby that attracted such a weirdo into your life? 

MalMonroe

TBagpuss said:

Well done for having got rid.

In relation to the other items, send him a message stating a deadline for him to collect them, the terms for doing so (e.g. give him 3 choices for specific date / times to collect and tell him how to contact you to confirm which date he wants (consider setting up a throwaway e-mail account to use solely for this purposse, then you can delete it once the time has passed) ) and state explicitly that if they are not collected you will assume that they have been abandoned and will dispose of them. 

I agree with the advice to let your friends at the shared hobby know the situation (very briefly - just say that you have had to tell him to leave and that you were forced to contact the police due to his abusive behavior and that you don't want to come into contact with him and are concerned that he may try to lie about what happened to cover up his actions)

That's terrible advice. OP shouldn't text him or message him at all now. She has said that she's going to get advice on what to do with his possessions. But she definitely does NOT want him going to her home ever again.

If he wants his stuff my best suggestion would be to leave it outside and he can get it when he likes. Or if he doesn't, it goes in the bin. 

AskAsk

nora_nora said:

Out of interest, what is the shared hobby that attracted such a weirdo into your life? 

i noticed the OP refrained from mentioning what this hobby is, which makes me think it is not a hobby that one normally takes up, like knitting or flower arranging, lol