Asking boyfriend to leave at short notice

MoneySeeker1

ArsEl said:

MoneySeeker1 said:

Seems to me you need more confidence in the "class" of men you can attract - or more confidence to live life on your own if need be (ie if there's no worthwhile man around to be with).

It's nice - but not essential - to have a man in your life. So, if you do have one in your life, then your life should be enhanced by that. Quite frankly - this particular man is detracting from it and you'd be much better off without him.

Give yourself a good long look in the mirror - deal with anything the mirror tells you are problems (diet/clothes/hairstyle/whatever) - and give yourself a pep talk of "Because I'm worth it" and decide it's going to be either "On my own or with a good man that makes my life happier". Do any dieting and revamping at the hairdresser that is necessary and then, having done that, go do any clothes-shopping that is necessary with a good (and honest) friend and regard this man as "past history".

I have to say the last two words in your signature are probably the only advice needed on this thread - Wake up!

LOL - though the "Wake up" is a society-wide 2020 comment of asking everyone to "Wake up and take the Red Pill (shades of The Matrix)".

But...yes...it does also apply here.

Barny1979

ArsEl said:

Pollycat said:

ArsEl said:

Active where precisely? There's not been a dickie bird since everyone told her to snap out of it.

Active as in last logged on today at 07:21. Precisely.

Daffodilly_2

Joined

9 February 2017 at 8:57AM

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Today at 7:21AM

There is nothing in MSE rules that says you have to come back and update a thread you started.

Now you're splitting hairs. Logging in and being an active poster are slightly different as you well know.
The OP claims to be 'really independent' but sadly this thread demonstrates anything but that, and instead portrays her as a person who is lacking in self respect and self confidence by hanging onto the every word of a complete shyster who clearly has no respect for her either. I'm guessing the radio silence wont be because she's taken the advice and stopped dragging it out and now feels liberated from the situation, otherwise she'd have said so.

This response smacks of a re-registered person.

AskAsk

ArsEl said:

What's the betting this all fell on deaf ears and she's still persuing the desperate dream of a meaningful heart to heart with someone who's clearly not interested in her? Hopefully she's had enough self respect to stop fooling herself by now, but i have my doubts.

i think this is the problem that the OP is actually experiencing and the chucking him out is actually not the real issue.  she refers to him as her boyfriend in the post title so she obviously still think of him as her boyfriend and as she waits for him to come home, she is obviously very jealous and believes he is out late with another woman.

she is finding it difficult to end the relationship, whether one still exists or not, and would like to use the holiday as a tool to tell him to leave and so ends the relationship that way, or simply because she wants to go on holiday and doesn't want him in the house while she is away because she doesn't trust him.

if she was sure of what she wants, she would call him and leave a message to tell him that it is over, that she has had enough and she wants him to leave in no uncertain term.

OP - you need to make up your mind if you want to end the relationship or not, and to tell him clearly what your decision is, and not to budge from it if he tries to soft talk you as men like him have a way of persuasion that will often make you change your mind.

Barny1979

ArsEl said:

Barny1979 said:

ArsEl said:

Pollycat said:

ArsEl said:

Active where precisely? There's not been a dickie bird since everyone told her to snap out of it.

Active as in last logged on today at 07:21. Precisely.

Daffodilly_2

Joined

9 February 2017 at 8:57AM

Visits

19

Last Active

Today at 7:21AM

There is nothing in MSE rules that says you have to come back and update a thread you started.

Now you're splitting hairs. Logging in and being an active poster are slightly different as you well know.
The OP claims to be 'really independent' but sadly this thread demonstrates anything but that, and instead portrays her as a person who is lacking in self respect and self confidence by hanging onto the every word of a complete shyster who clearly has no respect for her either. I'm guessing the radio silence wont be because she's taken the advice and stopped dragging it out and now feels liberated from the situation, otherwise she'd have said so.

This response smacks of a re-registered person.

Not exactly an incorrect assessment of the situation though, is it dear?

Dear? Nice one Sweetheart

sweetsand

Barny1979 said:

ArsEl said:

Barny1979 said:

ArsEl said:

Pollycat said:

ArsEl said:

Active where precisely? There's not been a dickie bird since everyone told her to snap out of it.

Active as in last logged on today at 07:21. Precisely.

Daffodilly_2

Joined

9 February 2017 at 8:57AM

Visits

19

Last Active

Today at 7:21AM

There is nothing in MSE rules that says you have to come back and update a thread you started.

Now you're splitting hairs. Logging in and being an active poster are slightly different as you well know.
The OP claims to be 'really independent' but sadly this thread demonstrates anything but that, and instead portrays her as a person who is lacking in self respect and self confidence by hanging onto the every word of a complete shyster who clearly has no respect for her either. I'm guessing the radio silence wont be because she's taken the advice and stopped dragging it out and now feels liberated from the situation, otherwise she'd have said so.

This response smacks of a re-registered person.

Not exactly an incorrect assessment of the situation though, is it dear?

Dear? Nice one Sweetheart

Why are you two taking this thread OT?
This was a good thread and what you guys need to remember that even years down the road people search for situations, scenarios and read old threads that they might find helpful

I respectfully request that you try and help the OP rather that call each other names.
Thank you.

Grumpysally

I'm guessing she's not replying at the moment because she's gone on that holiday, probably with him.

sweetsand

ArsEl said:

Grumpysally said:

I'm guessing she's not replying at the moment because she's gone on that holiday, probably with him.

I agree. Not really something I'd be doing with someone who had treated me with such little respect.

Yes, you have defo tried to help I never doubted that. It was the name calling and you refer to as endearment, IMHO this distracts from the subject. your choice.
For what it's worth, you are a nice poster
ATB

ontheroad1970

sweetsand said:

ArsEl said:

Grumpysally said:

I'm guessing she's not replying at the moment because she's gone on that holiday, probably with him.

I agree. Not really something I'd be doing with someone who had treated me with such little respect.

Yes, you have defo tried to help I never doubted that. It was the name calling and you refer to as endearment, IMHO this distracts from the subject. your choice.
For what it's worth, you are a nice poster
ATB

Are you volunteering to be a new board moderator?  This isn't the place to volunteer.  

Daffodilly_2

Ok thank you for all your responses and the comments about how I probably haven't done anything, have low self esteem, only go for bad boys etc. I feel at this point that whatever I say in my update will be criticised and so I haven't wanted to respond. I can confirm that I may be a mug but I do get to a point where enough is enough and I wasn't hoping for a 'kiss and make up'. I work in a career focused on helping people to get back on their feet so kicking someone out of the house is completely not in my nature. My sector has links with the compensation industry and so I am very aware of what can happen if I don't cover myself and this makes me very cautious, probably to my detriment. This is why I was so reluctant to just throw his stuff out or change the locks, combined with the fact that I have recently come to learn that he can be very vengeful and so I was worried about what he would do to me/my house. I'm sure I can't be the only person to worry about this.

Essentially I contacted the Citizens Advice Bureau for advice regarding the legalities of the situation because I didn't want to end up in a situation where I was forced to take him back or ended up with something else held against me. They told me I had to give him reasonable notice and they considered 48 hours sufficient but that I could be liable if I chucked his things out of the house or changed the locks and didn't allow him access to his belongings. As I hadn't been able to talk to him I left him a voice message and sent a text telling him that it was over and he needed to move out within 48 hours. I packed up all his stuff and put it in the spare room. He messaged me telling me we would 'talk about it later' and that he would be back after work. He turned up off his face at 12.30am with the police dropping him home. He wouldn't tell me what had happened and I was really worried and he kept saying that he 'had every right to be at the house' and that I 'couldn't make him leave'. The police came to the door and said he'd called them from a local town saying he'd been assaulted, they couldn't see any harm but he wasn't making any sense. I explained the situation and that I didn't want him there, they said that because my house is his registered address (where he gets his post) then that is where they had put him and their inspector wanted them to make sure he got into the house. I've never had to deal with this situation before so have/had no idea of the law. Ex was being argumentative so I called a friend who checked in with me throughout the night, he passed out on the sofa. First thing in the morning my friend came round and we called 101 for support due to the concerns about his erratic behaviour, that he wasn't accepting he had to leave etc.

When the police came they told me that my options were for them to remove him, or that he could stay and we'd have to sort out him moving out. I told them to remove him. At this point they seemed supportive of this decision and had made comments about it being his own fault he had no money or car to sort somewhere to go. 10 minutes later they came back out without him and said that he was right, I couldn't legally kick him out because he's paid me rent so I'm his landlady and he has a verbal periodic tenancy meaning he was allowed to stay until a month after his last rent payment. I raised that he was a month behind and they said it didn't matter because he'd paid me rent at the end of August. I also raised that the CAB had given me advice and I thought he was only entitled to 'reasonable notice' and tried to show them the relevant information. They wouldn't have it and said he would have to stay until the 26th. I told them that I was meant to be going away and I didn't want to leave him in my house on his own and he kept saying I was being irrational and that it would all be fine. He also kept saying he would move out on the 26th because he gets paid on the 25th, I pointed out that it would be unlikely that he could find a place that didn't require a deposit in advance and he has no money. Regardless, the police just said that we would sign to agree that he would move out on the 26th and if he didn't then I could have him removed then. Otherwise they'd leave and we'd have to come up with our own resolution. I still feel that this can't be right but I was given no other choice, and I was (am) so angry that I was led into a position where I was told I could kick him out immediately and tried and failed and now have to have him living in my house for another 2 weeks with that having happened. 

I am completely confused by what the law actually is on this type of situation since the CAB and the police have taken multiple different views on it and the police didn't know what the law was. I still think the police are wrong because I am a live-in landlord and he is my 'lodger'' if we're looking at it that way and as there is no written agreement only 'reasonable' notice is required. I am not sure what would have happened if I'd changed the locks and the police had brought him back, I imagine they would have made me take him anyway since their justification was my house being his registered address. If he'd come back on his own then I imagine he would have called the police on me anyway even if he was sober and the outcome may have been the same. I suspect that my ex has been in this situation before given he seemingly knew a lot on the subject. I know I'll probably get roasted for this update, I'm unhappy about the way things went, but I wanted to update because other people in this situation might just think that the police will solve all their problems but they definitely didn't solve mine. 

Barny1979

Good news on the positive steps you've made, I presume he is sleeping on the couch?