Asking boyfriend to leave at short notice

Daffodilly_2

Hi all, I'm going to try and explain this as briefly as possible but it's a little complicated. I made a friend at a mutual hobby at the start of the year and we casually dated a bit but things didn't really get off the ground so we stayed friends. At the start of April he lost his job which came with on-site accommodation so was essentially jobless and homeless and didn't really have anywhere to go so I took him in on the agreement he would move out once he'd found a job and got his first salary. This was obviously just as the lockdown was kicking off.  I helped him write his CV, hunt for jobs etc. He found ongoing temporary work at the start of May and we agreed he'd start paying me a contribution towards the bills etc (I own the house and have continued to pay the mortgage and all the bills and we agreed a small figure which is probably around 25% of what I pay each month in total - he also uses my laptop and bike etc). He has been very haphazard with this despite having got a new full-time permanent job at the start of July, and currently he is a month behind on paying me (he didn't pay me any money in June because he was meant to be saving a deposit to move out so he said he would owe it to me but he is still currently a month behind, he pays at the end of the month for the month just gone). We grew closer since he's been living here and in July started up a relationship. I was very clear with him that I needed him to be an equal partner as during his time living with me to that point he had not been reliable with money and had done very little around the house but I had put this down to the fact that he was working a lot of night hours. He also has a dog who he wasn't walking every day which resulted in her toileting in my house unless I took her out and it was getting to the point where I was the only one looking after her. There is more to this in terms of him making unrealistic plans about moving out which then fell through meaning he was not able to move out when planned.

Ultimately, at this point nothing has changed and I basically feel like mum of a teenager. He lost his driving licence so I drive us everywhere, he doesn't pay me back money he owes me, does the minimum around the house and more recently he has gone 'off grid' and been uncontactable then arrived home late telling me his phone had died. On the bank holiday weekend we went away at his request to a place he chose (and didn't consult me on) and I ended up driving and paying for it all and he didn't offer any contribution. I've had several conversations with him about this and at the weekend I sat him down and told him that him acting the way he does just makes me feel that he doesn't care for me or respect me. I told him it's unfair that he just disappears without telling me he's going to be home late and I don't know whether he's ok and asked him to take his battery pack with him so he could charge his phone. This has come to a head last night when he text me at 6pm to tell me he was working overtime until 7pm and then might go to do our mutual hobby for a bit but then was uncontactable and didn't arrive home until 3am. Meanwhile in a group chat I have (which he is on) with friends related to this hobby it became apparent that one of them had bumped into him at 8pm, he was with another woman (we had bumped into her once there but haven't had any further contact) and they were being asked to leave because there's a 2 hour limit on busy evenings and they had been there for 2 hours so he left with her. When he got home he told me he worked overtime til 7pm, went to the hobby until 9pm and then 'got lost and fell asleep' on the walk home.

The icing on the cake is that we are meant to be going away on holiday in the UK on Friday for over a week as my birthday celebration. I've gotten to a point now where I've had enough and I want to end our 'relationship' and therefore not go on the holiday together and ask him to move out. However I'd still like to go on holiday because I work a very stressful job in healthcare and haven't had a week off yet this year, but if we break up I don't want to just leave him in my house while I'm not there. I'm not sure if this is unreasonable but he has shown no respect for me so I don't feel like I can trust him to respect my property while I'm not there and if he got nasty he could change the locks or something. As I own the house I think I can just ask him to leave but I just want some input around how I manage this, whether I'm being unreasonable to ask him to just get out by the weekend (bearing in mind he has the day off on Friday) or whether I need to take a different approach? I feel that I've been more than accommodating and have been treated like a complete mug but I'd like some other perspectives.

Mojisola

After being treated like that, I'd pack up his things when he goes out and text him with a time when they can be collected from outside the front door.  Change the locks before he comes home.

Primrose

You are really being taken for a ride, arn't you ?  

There is no way such a one sides relationship can work long term.
i,d pack his things and if you have a conscience about him having nowhere to go, book him one night In a local bed and breakfast,  

And  once you,ve done this, call a local locksmith and have the lock changed on your front door. You probably deserve a break if your  job is stressful But is it the sort of holiday yiu can have alone or can you rebook?   Just dont,t leave your house vulnerable.  

*max*

He ''got lost and fell asleep on the walk home." Whaaaaaat?  The guy doesn't even bother to make up believable lies. Chuck him out, give him until the weekend if you are feeling kind (I wouldn't be). Honestly....

mason's_mum

I think you've definitely been more than accommodating and I would be doing as Mojisola said and changing the locks myself while leaving his stuff in the garden!
Apologies as I know it's not nice to hear, but you've served your purpose, he had a roof over his head and reduced bills while he didn't have a job - he's abused your generosity and now he needs to go. I hope you have a lovely holiday!

Mojisola

Daffodilly_2 said:

However I'd still like to go on holiday because I work a very stressful job in healthcare and haven't had a week off yet this year, but if we break up I don't want to just leave him in my house while I'm not there.

After you've got him out and changed the locks, could someone come and house-sit for you while you're away to make sure he doesn't get back in?

If he has paperwork showing your address as his home, could he claim to a locksmith that he's lost his keys and get them to change the locks and allow him in or do locksmiths require more evidence before doing so?

Daffodilly_2

Primrose said:

And  once you,ve done this, call a local locksmith and have the lock changed on your front door. You probably deserve a break if your  job is stressful But is it the sort of holiday yiu can have alone or can you rebook?   Just dont,t leave your house vulnerable.  

I'm very independent so I'd go on any sort of holiday alone! I used to take holidays alone before I was in a relationship, I generally do well with being single. Anything I've booked related to it can still be cancelled as with covid I paid a little extra for anything I booked so I could cancel without charge if needed.

Mojisola said:

Daffodilly_2 said:

However I'd still like to go on holiday because I work a very stressful job in healthcare and haven't had a week off yet this year, but if we break up I don't want to just leave him in my house while I'm not there.

After you've got him out and changed the locks, could someone come and house-sit for you while you're away to make sure he doesn't get back in?

If he has paperwork showing your address as his home, could he claim to a locksmith that he's lost his keys and get them to change the locks and allow him in or do locksmiths require more evidence before doing so?

I'm not sure I have anyone who can house-sit but I live in a maisonette surrounded by 5 other neighbours who I can explain the situation to and ask to look out for the house. The lady that usually comes in to feed my cat (I booked him into the cattery for this one) would also go round and check on the house regularly for me if I asked her to as she has a key. I don't know how it works with locksmiths and changing the locks. He has had some letters to my address from the HMRC and his workplace etc but doesn't have a passport or a driving licence to use as proof of address. I don't know if he'd bother trying to get them changed again but I suppose he could and that's an option I hadn't considered.

burlingtonfl6

Just tell him he has x amount of days to get his things together and leave.
You picked this loser OP so don't act surprised he hasn't lived up to your expectations.

AskAsk

burlingtonfl6 said:

Just tell him he has x amount of days to get his things together and leave.
You picked this loser OP so don't act surprised he hasn't lived up to your expectations.

i think the problem here is that the OP wants him to leave tomorrow as she is going off on holiday on friday!

OP - it is very short notice to chuck someone out.  you should really give someone at least a week's notice to vacate and find somewhere else to stay.  if you don't feel safe leaving him at home when you go on holiday, then you have no alternative but chuck him out tomorrow.  it may turn very nasty as people bite when they are backed into a corner, and asking him to go packing tomorrow will provoke nasty.

boneoracle

AskAsk said:

burlingtonfl6 said:

Just tell him he has x amount of days to get his things together and leave.
You picked this loser OP so don't act surprised he hasn't lived up to your expectations.

i think the problem here is that the OP wants him to leave tomorrow as she is going off on holiday on friday!

OP - it is very short notice to chuck someone out.  you should really give someone at least a week's notice to vacate and find somewhere else to stay.  if you don't feel safe leaving him at home when you go on holiday, then you have no alternative but chuck him out tomorrow.  it may turn very nasty as people bite when they are backed into a corner, and asking him to go packing tomorrow will provoke nasty.

Exactly this. While he has been obviously  using  you, you have had ample time to give him a date to get out as well. I am in no way defending his behavior, but you should give him a hard set date to get out, but be reasonable and don't sink to his level. Also check any local laws about this, as I have seen situations where someone goes to put out a room or significant  other and the police just show up and say they have a right to be there, then the situation just becomes that much worse.

Savvy_Sue

One thing to get clear in your head: he is not and probably never was your boyfriend.

How you choose to describe him in future is up to you, but phrases such as 'lying toad', 'opportunist low-life' and words with a lot of ****s in spring to mind, and EX would also feature prominently in my vocabulary.