Mum commenting on my house

pickledonionspaceraider

Yes, call it judgemental if you like ...Working in a deprived community there were many many people who lived off benefits (usually because they didn't want to work, not because of disability or job loss). They would have the latest gadgets and designer clothes but have rent arrears and be using food banks. Appearance was more important than taking care of the essentials. A

The people in the middle (I'm talking about the ones I know. I also consider myself to be one) do have a bit more money but not as much as their outward appearance would have you believe. If next door has a range rover they get one. They go on holidays but put it on a credit card. ..............It's not a bad thing to have an opinion..

It's not my business how they live their life. It's very self righteous to assume I'm looking down on any of the people in these examples. This is a forum where people are supposed to express opinions and as usual just in this one thread, several people have criticized others for their posts. I'm forever grateful for the kind and considered posts. Some opinions have been hard to except but I'm still grateful for the different viewpoints. I didn't come here to hear only nice things. I do feel sad that some people are so quick to berate others. 

Fireflyaway, you give so many conflicting opinions in this post, it is difficult to absorb.

Yes it is sad that other people are quick to berate others. ..and that is in conflict with much of what you say. 

On that note - all these many many jobless people you work with - have they actually told you that they 'don't want to work'?   Have you actually heard every single one of these many jobless people you know, utter this sentence? I call absolute and total BS on this.  Sorry, but its TOSH.

 I actually live in one of the roughest, and poverty ridden areas of England and have never heard anyone say those words in my entire life.  Never.  Never Ever.  I really dislike the spreading of trash talk like this. It is not a humane way to pigeonhole an entire group of (jobless) people - especially now we are in recession and hundreds of thousands have lost their jobs. People are desperate around me. Absolutely desperate.

 Quick to say that you feel that the 'people in the middle' of which you consider yourself to be one - to behave with more decorum with their finances, than other groups.

Pigeonholing and stereotypes and not the mark of decorum or someone who should be working around vulnerable people

Pffft.

Fireflyaway

pickledonionspaceraider said:

Yes, call it judgemental if you like ...Working in a deprived community there were many many people who lived off benefits (usually because they didn't want to work, not because of disability or job loss). They would have the latest gadgets and designer clothes but have rent arrears and be using food banks. Appearance was more important than taking care of the essentials. A

The people in the middle (I'm talking about the ones I know. I also consider myself to be one) do have a bit more money but not as much as their outward appearance would have you believe. If next door has a range rover they get one. They go on holidays but put it on a credit card. ..............It's not a bad thing to have an opinion..

It's not my business how they live their life. It's very self righteous to assume I'm looking down on any of the people in these examples. This is a forum where people are supposed to express opinions and as usual just in this one thread, several people have criticized others for their posts. I'm forever grateful for the kind and considered posts. Some opinions have been hard to except but I'm still grateful for the different viewpoints. I didn't come here to hear only nice things. I do feel sad that some people are so quick to berate others. 

Fireflyaway, you give so many conflicting opinions in this post, it is difficult to absorb.

Yes it is sad that other people are quick to berate others. ..and that is in conflict with much of what you say. 

On that note - all these many many jobless people you work with - have they actually told you that they 'don't want to work'?   Have you actually heard every single one of these many jobless people you know, utter this sentence? I call absolute and total BS on this.  Sorry, but its TOSH.

 I actually live in one of the roughest, and poverty ridden areas of England and have never heard anyone say those words in my entire life.  Never.  Never Ever.  I really dislike the spreading of trash talk like this. It is not a humane way to pigeonhole an entire group of (jobless) people - especially now we are in recession and hundreds of thousands have lost their jobs. People are desperate around me. Absolutely desperate.

 Quick to say that you feel that the 'people in the middle' of which you consider yourself to be one - to behave with more decorum with their finances, than other groups.

Pigeonholing and stereotypes and not the mark of decorum or someone who should be working around vulnerable people

Pffft.

You misunderstand. I don't believe that people in the middle behave with more decoram. I never said that.
 In my experience the poorer people buy things they dont need but they don't pretend they are well off. They are honest about their situation. Same with the wealthier people. They are comfortable and don't feel the need to show off. The people in the middle are the ones who show off because many of them are unhappy and try to give off the appearance of being more successful than they are. Again - I'm not saying everyone is like this. I'm just basing it on people I know. 

Fireflyaway

Frith said:

That’s the most unpleasant and judgmental post I’ve ever read on MSE, in over a decade. 

Probably because in life today many people are afraid to say what they feel due to being branded racist, sexist, judgemental, homophobic....the list is endless. I've not said anything nasty about anyone. I simply detailed the attitude of some of the people I have met. I am not sterotying. I could literally name these people but obviously that's not allowed. I fail to see why this is so offensive? I never said all people on benefits are bad. I am paid benefits myself. I never said wealthy people are superior. I honestly fail to see why anyone is shocked by my comments. 

Fireflyaway

RelievedSheff said:

onwards&upwards said:

KxMx said:

I think expressing a general opinion reasonably anonymously on a message board and being critical face to face almost constantly towards an individual are two very different things. 

It’s not where/how she’s expressing it that’s unpleasant, it’s the attitude itself. 

The OP has always come across as generally kind and pleasant, so hopefully this nastiness is just a bad day. 

Equally it could be how the OP conducts themselves day to day and would explain the root of their problems.

Having an opinion that you don't agree with doesn't make me nasty. If you read my comment properly , nowhere have I said anything nasty about anyone. I have given real life examples of people that I've met. 

[Deleted User]

@Fireflyaway didn't you insist that your daughter attend private school rather than a state school and then decided to potter around in a low paying job leaving your husband to pick up the tab for school fees?  

74jax

Lover_of_Lycra said:

@Fireflyaway didn't you insist that your daughter attend private school rather than a state school and then decided to potter around in a low paying job leaving your husband to pick up the tab for school fees?  

I don't believe she's in a low paid job. I 'think' she's in a job which covers her bills, and allows her to pay for the holidays etc but her husband has mental health issues and is always striving for 'more'. He works none stop tho he doesn't have too, and expects the same of her, whereas she earns plenty and doesn't want to work into the ground (balance I guess). 
I understand they have split and she's managing perfectly fine financially with her own place and still paying for holidays (though they didn't get away due to covid). 
The private school she has previously said was her idea but he agreed and financially, due to her salary was no problem, I' think' again I can't remember, her salary would cover bills and private school, but they just split it so he paid the schooling.
I'm trying to remember an old thread so might be hazy, but not really sure why it's relevant. Other than yes, her husband was always belittling her, he was of the opinion she should earn as much as she can and the child could be looked after by others. He constantly wore her down over her weight and not reaching her potential. To be honest I think she's better off without him, but again it's an old thread. 

onwards&upwards

Fireflyaway said:

Frith said:

That’s the most unpleasant and judgmental post I’ve ever read on MSE, in over a decade. 

Probably because in life today many people are afraid to say what they feel due to being branded racist, sexist, judgemental, homophobic....the list is endless.

Actually most people just don't think horrible things about other people. 

You ARE stereotyping I'm afraid.  Instead of getting defensive when you've been called out on it, may I advise that you have a think about what you said and reflect on it?  I know you are not a bad person, but you've fallen for some myths and you are judging whole groups of people as behaving in certain ways rather than seeing everybody as the individuals they are.  That is what stereotyping is. 

yksi

My Dad is a bit the same. It's not cleanliness that he comments on, it's money and health. Like the OP he doesn't seem to think that I'm a capable adult even though I'm also in my 40s. Many times I've fantasised at snapping back, but I'm also not a confrontational person, so I've never been able to. He's stuck in the dynamic we should have had when I was ten years old - but he had no real engagement as a parent then so he has missed his chance and it isn't my job to provide it!

What I did was to stop sharing these kinds of things with him and limit our contact. Fortunately we don't live anywhere near one another, so we never have to have in-person meetings, only online. He still makes occasional hints that I don't get in contact enough or tell him much about my life, but I feel 100% better in not being dragged down to child level in every conversation. He brags now and then about his dodgy investments, to which I've replied once or twice to note that it's not for me and that was a big mistake as I got a huge lecture. I just ignored the email, because I could see it would go on and on, and make me angry and resentful. But lesson learned, don't engage on topics that you don't want to discuss, I now say absolutely nothing about money, and if he brings it up, I just don't answer. I think the cleanliness comments need the same treatment, completely ignore her comment and stare. Or ask if she would like a biscuit (or as someone else said, if you're feeling brave then ask if her drink is finished).

It's passive-aggressive, sure, but I do think it's better than simply feeling awful or arguing, and being unable to point out that she's rude and shouldn't say such things. I get that both you and I wish we could do it more bluntly, but it's not in our nature. This is why the ignore technique is what I prefer.

YBR

My mother is the same, she has no filter and can be openly critical. She doesn't understand how unkind it feels. Also seems to think that advancing age gives her the right to say what she thinks. Such a contract to my MIL who is lovely, supportive and complementary.

Interestingly like a few PP she didn't see me as a capable adult, however, that has now changed. 5 years ago my Dad died very suddenly and I supported Mum with all the practicalities - funeral, probate, changing bills over etc. Since then she has realised that I can look after myself, and others. It's sad that it took his death to change our relationship.

Takmon

yksi said:

My Dad is a bit the same. It's not cleanliness that he comments on, it's money and health. Like the OP he doesn't seem to think that I'm a capable adult even though I'm also in my 40s. Many times I've fantasised at snapping back, but I'm also not a confrontational person, so I've never been able to. He's stuck in the dynamic we should have had when I was ten years old - but he had no real engagement as a parent then so he has missed his chance and it isn't my job to provide it!

Sounds like you need to get a backbone and actually say something back if you feel he is saying something that is unreasonable. If someone you knew started making unreasonable comments do you just also sit there and take it without make any comments?.
You don't have to be confrontational to tell someone you find their comments unacceptable.