Mum commenting on my house

sweetsand

Takmon said:

sweetsand said:

Pollycat said:

Fireflyaway said:

I think I do need to be more assertive but I'm convinced even if the house were to her liking, she would find something else to criticise. I don't think she sees me as a capable adult, nor can she understand that I could possibly be happy living the way I do. She is very set in her ways of thinking. Virtually everything I say is followed by a criticism. I may say that we had a meal out at the weekend. She will tell me we eat out too much and it's silly because there is nothing to show for it. I told her my husband is going to visit his mum for a few weeks. She proceeds to tut and say he is wasting money on rent if he isn't living in the house. I've been told I buy too many clothes for my child, I shouldn't send my child to private school because they will be made fun of for not being rich, my child has a tummy and will be made fun of, I don't walk my dog for long enough..... On a shopping trip mum told me I looked pregnant when I tried a dress on. Then she said I'm so different from x's daughter because she is slim and cares about her appearance. Honestly I could go on and on! I am slowly starting to realize I shouldn't feel bad. I'm never going to please her and should just concentrate on making myself happy. 

OP
You do realise that if you don't put a stop to this, you'll be posting the same thing in 3 or 4 months time...?

That IMHO is a baseless opinion. The OP has asked a question that afflicts many people and just as many are
too worried to say something. However, one needs to think about the impact their actions will have and decide if it is worth it.
Chins up OP, in the one ear out of the other as I said earlier and keep hold of what on the odd occasion may be sound advice.

x

I'm surprised at how many people have such dysfunctional relationships with their parents when they are grown adults. Why would you be too worried to say something? Myself and my parents are both adults and if they made comments that i wouldn't accept from other adults then i would happily say something about it, just like if i said something to them that they found unacceptable. I see my parents fairly often because i like spending time with them but if i didn't like them then i wouldn't make the effort to see them. 

Family is obviously important and effort should be made to stay in contact and be there for each other but this effort has to go both ways so if a parent is acting inappropriately then they need to be told straight. Just because they are your parents that doesn't mean they have some kind of right to give constant criticisms and they certainly don't know any better than any of the millions of people their age just because they are your parents. 
If my mother was always calling me fat, ugly, untidy etc in a nasty way i wouldn't accept it no more than i would accept it from anyone else.

Sadly, the "dysfunctional " does not apply only to "families" in many cases and not referring to the OP.  Communication since the advent of the net and especially the mobile phone and then smart phone has murdered good convos, IMHO.
The OP is looking for answers and even with the best will in the world, it may not work out as both sides may need to adjust ie give and take or part company but easier said than done.

Fireflyaway

Thanks again everyone for taking the time to share your opinions / advice. I don't have anyone to ask so it's very helpful to hear other people's perspective. 
The point about not accepting such rudeness just because it's coming from my mum really made me think. If a colleague or friend said this stuff I wouldn't accept it for sure. The point about sharing issues with my mum. I am very private and actually say very little to her. Mainly because I feel I will be made to feel I am at fault or she will go telling her friends ( whose kids I used to go to school with). My husband and I have been getting along really well recently. He has made a lot of great improvements and we are intending for him to move back home before Christmas. I'm not going to tell my mum though. I want it to be a positive occaision. I'm hoping we will start a new chapter but I'm also wise enough to know nothing is guaranteed. Either way it's my marriage and I don't want my mum involved. I can really do without my mum's advice. Overall I think she is well meaning but she makes assumptions and as I said previously, she is very fixed in her ideas. 
I hope to post again detailing what action I took and what improvements have happened! 

Savvy_Sue

elsien said:

I have been known to point out to my parent that she's not said one positive thing in half an hour of conversation and tell her if she can't say anything nice I don't want to hear it. Also have asked if she's finished her drink because she's outstayed her visit.  You may or may not need to be that blunt but sometimes it's all that makes people listen.
You can't do in one ear and out the other as suggested by the previous poster when it's a constant barrage of criticism.
Do you get anything that's positive from the relationship at all? If so, maybe that's the tack your need to take. 
FWIW my house can be a tip.  If there are comments I just say I've got far better things to do with my life than cleaning. Your mother can whinge to her friends all she likes.  They're not your friends and their opinion is irrelevant. 

Ah yes: those who mind, don't matter, and those who matter, don't mind ... 

olgadapolga

Savvy_Sue said:

Ah yes: those who mind, don't matter, and those who matter, don't mind ... 

Not heard this saying before but think it's very apt for lots of situations. I am going to tell my mother, who allows my brother to bully her about the state of her house (it's not unclean, just untidy, whereas my brother's house is clinically clean and minimalistic). I am forever telling her that his opinion of her HOME is irrelevant. He's more than happy to scrounge a meal from her on a regular basis, despite her untidy home! I suspect that the bullying is a behaviour my brother learned from my father.

Amara

OP. I didn't go through whole thread. Your mum sounds like my mum. She criticize my house, my garden and my car. Her all answer is "because you're lazy". All the problems, according to her, are down the fact I'm lazy, despite me having full time job, eight years old and doing an accounting course. She's been doing exactly the same in my house, what yours in your house: cleaning, hoovering and saying, how filthy it is. When I said something, she's got into mood, how dirty and ungrateful I am. Once my husband didn't take it and shouted at her. He left her in tears. She says now she doesn't like visit me, as I live i filth and my husband is horrible man. From the other hand , she keeps on singing praises about my sister-in-law, her daughter-in-law. How lovely she is, how tidy is her house. She lives in smaller property, works shorter hours and has no garden, but according to my mother it doesn't matter. The only thing you can do about it is to ignore it. She talks, she moans, she criticize, she won't change. You'll hear bad comments, but don't let it go into you. Some people are like that. Visit them as little as possible. Make contact through telephone. Ignore it. 

sweetsand

Amara - you have demonstrated the fact that many people are in the same boat.  No always easy to tackle but I will say for the last time, in the one ear out of the other unless they are saying things in front of other people.

squirrelchops2

I remember feeling hurt when my MIL commented on how much better it looked in my kitchen with all the things off the drainer wiped and tidied away! I can't relax if she is coming as think she is scrutinising me then I get a grip and think !!!!!!, I work full time, you're retired AND you have a cleaner!!!!!

We also will buy things once we are ready eg if something breaks and is not essential it may take a week or 2 to ensure we have the best price etc. Whereas my MIL would (pre covid) decides she needs it NOW, go out and buy at an incredibly over inflated price because she simply cannot wait. We've lived amongst house renovations more than once, on bare floors, no wardrobes, mattress on floor etc etc which, to her would be like hell!! 

Fireflyaway

Squirrelchops2 - this is exactly my mum!! My mum is retired with only her and my dad at home. I work full time (until recently that involved 2 hours a day commuting as well) and have a teenager and animals. 
Exactly the same with repairing or replacing things. If something breaks my parents will literally jump in the car immediately to get a new whatever it was. Like you I'm happy to wait until I see what I like / can afford it. It's not because I'm lazy, I just have different priorities and I'm very content and grateful for what I do have. I think my mum cares too much about outwards appearance and what other people will think or say. 

squirrelchops2

FFireflyaway said:

Squirrelchops2 - this is exactly my mum!! My mum is retired with only her and my dad at home. I work full time (until recently that involved 2 hours a day commuting as well) and have a teenager and animals. 
Exactly the same with repairing or replacing things. If something breaks my parents will literally jump in the car immediately to get a new whatever it was. Like you I'm happy to wait until I see what I like / can afford it. It's not because I'm lazy, I just have different priorities and I'm very content and grateful for what I do have. I think my mum cares too much about outwards appearance and what other people will think or say. 

I've just remembered a good one - the £1000 curtains - for one pair! One pair!  and in the second sitting room not the main daily used room! I mean goodness me if they want to throw money away they can give it to me.

happyandcontented

squirrelchops2 said:

FFireflyaway said:

Squirrelchops2 - this is exactly my mum!! My mum is retired with only her and my dad at home. I work full time (until recently that involved 2 hours a day commuting as well) and have a teenager and animals. 
Exactly the same with repairing or replacing things. If something breaks my parents will literally jump in the car immediately to get a new whatever it was. Like you I'm happy to wait until I see what I like / can afford it. It's not because I'm lazy, I just have different priorities and I'm very content and grateful for what I do have. I think my mum cares too much about outwards appearance and what other people will think or say. 

I've just remembered a good one - the £1000 curtains - for one pair! One pair!  and in the second sitting room not the main daily used room! I mean goodness me if they want to throw money away they can give it to me.

Are you not being just as judgemental as the OP is complaining her mother is?

If your parents want to spend £1000 on a pair of curtains why shouldn't they if they have the money?

A friend of mine spent 2.5k on a pair, which is not something I would do but it is her business, not mine.