Mum commenting on my house

TBagpuss

OP, I am sorry that your mum is behaving this way.

I would suggest that you do sit her down and have a conversation with her about it.

Tell her that while you recognize that she means well, but that her actions and comments are hurtful and cause you a lot of stress, and that as you want to be able to keep having her visit you, and spend time together, you need her to be willing to agree to some boundaries. 
Be very clear about what those boundaries are - explain that you need her to be able to commit to:-
- no comments on the appearance or tidiness of the house,
- no comments on your weight or personal appearance,
- no buying or dropping off things for the house unless she has offered and you have accepted the offer in advance of her showing up with the thing .

Don't get drawn in to a discussion of why she does it or how she justifies it, stick to  asking whether she is able to agree to keep your house rules or not.

If you get anything less than a firm commitment to keep the agreement then make clear that you are only willing to meet at her home or at neutral venues. And if she pushes back, go back a step and ask if she is able to agree to keep to the boundaries you set. Again, don't get drawn into an argument, you can even be clear at that point "I don't want to get into a discussion or an argument - if you are willing to commit to not making comments about my home or my appearance unless I explicitly ask for your opinion, you will be welcome to visit, if not, then your visits become more stressful than pleasurable, so I would rather meet elsewhere" 

Similarly, if you do meet elsewhere, and she starts to comment on your appearance, leave. Just get up and go (you would need to get your family one board with this so they can be relied on to get up and leave with you - if that is not an option, then stop her as soon as she starts - have a set phrase, maybe "My weight and appearance are not up for discussion" 

TBagpuss

You might find the 'Captain Awkward' blog useful to you - it has lots of posts and scripts for dealing with people who don't respect boundaries and with coping with difficult family situations. 

Fireflyaway

Thank you so much everyone, these comments have made me feel better! I hate conflict and I never argue or disagree with my parents. On the surface this probably seems lovely and sweet and mature but to a degree I think it's unhealthy. I am basically repressing emotions and by not saying anything, allowing my mum to carry on upsetting me. As pointed out, this has been happening a long time. If we went for coffee in the past and I ordered cake, mum would say 'you don't need a cake, just have the coffee'. Or 'you don't need butter and jam'. She was always cutting out newspaper articles about diets and health issues linked to obesity. One day I had enough and I said that these comments won't make me slimmer, they just annoy me and I will probably just eat more. Since then she calmed down a bit! Maybe I need to adopt the same approach with the house / cleaning! I'm sure my mum is reporting back to her friends how messy my house is. Makes me feel uncomfortable. I don't want to be someone who can't take criticism and I do worry that maybe I am the one at fault for not wanting to hear 'feedback'? I definitely over think things. It's hard to know when an opinion is just that or if it's bordering on insulting or is in fact overstepping boundaries.

onwards&upwards

maman said:

 I have 2 grown up DDs. One cleans obsessively. is overweight and has a dog that she treats like a (spoilt) child. The other doesn't cook and works far too hard. That's not the way I choose to live but I wouldn't dream of commenting to them. They know my views but it's unspoken. I think it's called 'keeping mum'. 😁
P. S. They do have lots of good points too and I'm sure they don't think I'm perfect either . 😁

How do they know your views on their choices and their lives if you've been polite and not told them?

This post has just made me fume! 

onwards&upwards

Fireflyaway said:

I hate conflict and I never argue or disagree with my parents. On the surface this probably seems lovely and sweet and mature but to a degree I think it's unhealthy.

You're absolutely right, even once children are all grown up its still not natural to never disagree. 

You are telling your mum that its ok to treat you like this, I agree with everybody who has said that you need to set firm boundaries and then enforce them.  

Although I do also like the suggestions of giving her a taste of her own medicine and turning the tables to see how she likes being nagged at and criticised, but maybe that's not the most mature response sadly!

barbiedoll

My best friend’s mum is like this. She is obsessively clean and tidy, her house is like a show home. My friend, in an act of complete rebellion, is exactly the opposite, her house is very untidy, with stuff lying around everywhere. I’m a messy cow, but even I tidy up when I’m there (I don’t put things away, I just move stuff around so there is room for our wine glasses! 😂). Her mum has been very critical over the years, she can’t understand why we go on holiday without our husbands, or why we aren’t really bothered about having dust on the top of our wardrobes. It all came to a head when she started taking my friend’s children to church, while babysitting them for the weekend. My friend is vehemently atheist, and warned her mum that any talk of confirmation ceremonies, blessings, or any other religious stuff, would mean not seeing her grandchildren again. (The weird thing is that my friend’s mum fell pregnant when she was an unmarried teenager, and her religious parents threw her out onto the streets and disowned her until she married the father of her baby.) 
I honestly don’t think it’s a generational thing. My friend has two (now grown-up) kids, one of whom is just like the grandmother, their spotless bedroom is an oasis of tranquility. The other one lives in an absolute pigsty of a bedroom, woe betide anyone who dares to try to tidy it up. 

OP, I like the idea of questioning your mum’s mental health when she cries because she’s worried about your “living conditions”....it sounds a lot like attention-seeking to me. If my mum tried that, I’d probably just laugh in her face and ask her why she’s so upset about my manky carpet, when people in the real world are struggling with real problems, especially at the moment. You shouldn’t take it too personally, by the sound of things, even if your home was immaculate, she’d be criticising you for being obsessed with housework.

maman

onwards&upwards said:

maman said:

 I have 2 grown up DDs. One cleans obsessively. is overweight and has a dog that she treats like a (spoilt) child. The other doesn't cook and works far too hard. That's not the way I choose to live but I wouldn't dream of commenting to them. They know my views but it's unspoken. I think it's called 'keeping mum'. 😁
P. S. They do have lots of good points too and I'm sure they don't think I'm perfect either . 😁

How do they know your views on their choices and their lives if you've been polite and not told them?

This post has just made me fume! 

They know how I live in my own home so by default that it's different from their own lifestyles. My DD with the dog for example, will say 'I know I shouldn't do this but....' and then feed her dog bits from her own plate. 

Can't see why it should make you fume. I'm not forcing my way of life on them or vice versa. We're all different. 

-taff

Fireflyaway said:

It's hard to know when an opinion is just that or if it's bordering on insulting or is in fact overstepping boundaries.

Imgine you telling one of your friends what she tells you. If you think they'd be offended, it's an insult.

But it's an insult couched in terms of 'oh, but I love you and am telling you this for your own good'. It's a parent thing. They think they can say what they like [some of them before anyone jumps down my throat] because it's given as 'advice'. Tell her thanks, you're fine as you are.

sweetsand

Dear OP
Some simple tips.
Ignore commments ie in one ear out of the other and note the good ones.
And/or, do the same at her place

And/or tell her to stop and not come around if she continues,

FYI, I do option one but I do go ott at my sons place and he ignores me most of the time but he taken on baord some of what I have said.

kazwookie

Don't let her in, simples.

If she has a key take it off her.