Mum commenting on my house

Ditzy_Mitzy

Sometimes this does come down to generational difference.  Those born in the fifties and sixties were the first, well the first en-masse, to experience anything like the hygienic conditions we take for granted in modern times.  Working class living conditions were dreadful in the 1940s and life was, by definition, much dirtier than it is today.  Houses were heated by coal, which created clouds of soot, lots only had a single cold water tap, most had an outside toilet and some still used gas lighting.  Disease was common, and too expensive for the majority to treat so for most, when things got better and they moved to modern houses, they expended huge efforts in keeping things clean and tidy.  Perhaps, arguably, too much - one might suggest they spent their best years on thankless tasks like weeding, and polishing cutlery.  But there's also the counter argument that capital goods were far more expensive in those days and looking after them, particularly with regards to cleaning, was more important than it is now.  New electronics will still function with a layer of dust on, whereas record players get upset and valve radios catch fire.  Modern cars don't mind being dirty, older ones dissolved at the first sight of wet mud.  My Mum is very particular about cleaning and my Dad about personal hygiene.  Both grew up poor, him more so than her, and escaped those circumstances.

74jax

olgadapolga said:

74jax said:

My mam would run her finger over things.... Tut, etc etc

I'm sorry, but that's outrageous. 

I know... I have various threads on here about our relationship, its hard to talk about it now. With her having just passed, but I feel for the op.  Not just over this post, but others on her mother and family. 

maman

Ditzy_Mitzy said:

Sometimes this does come down to generational difference.  Those born in the fifties and sixties were the first, well the first en-masse, to experience anything like the hygienic conditions we take for granted in modern times.  Working class living conditions were dreadful in the 1940s and life was, by definition, much dirtier than it is today.  Houses were heated by coal, which created clouds of soot, lots only had a single cold water tap, most had an outside toilet and some still used gas lighting.  Disease was common, and too expensive for the majority to treat so for most, when things got better and they moved to modern houses, they expended huge efforts in keeping things clean and tidy.  Perhaps, arguably, too much - one might suggest they spent their best years on thankless tasks like weeding, and polishing cutlery.  But there's also the counter argument that capital goods were far more expensive in those days and looking after them, particularly with regards to cleaning, was more important than it is now.  New electronics will still function with a layer of dust on, whereas record players get upset and valve radios catch fire.  Modern cars don't mind being dirty, older ones dissolved at the first sight of wet mud.  My Mum is very particular about cleaning and my Dad about personal hygiene.  Both grew up poor, him more so than her, and escaped those circumstances.

I agree it can be generational. I don't think the cleaning and scrubbing just started when people moved to modern houses though, if anything it got a bit easier as washing machines and fitted kitchens etc became more available.  In the generation you're describing, most women stayed at home and kept house. That was their life. I remember my grandmother had a set  routine of when she did various jobs like laundry, cleaning and shopping throughout the week. My grandfather went to work, did a bit of DiY, and carved the meat on a Sunday. Some people still choose to live that way.

Mojisola

Ditzy_Mitzy said:

Sometimes this does come down to generational difference.  Those born in the fifties and sixties were the first, well the first en-masse, to experience anything like the hygienic conditions we take for granted in modern times.  Working class living conditions were dreadful in the 1940s and life was, by definition, much dirtier than it is today.  Houses were heated by coal, which created clouds of soot, lots only had a single cold water tap, most had an outside toilet and some still used gas lighting. 

I don't know how old you are but my grandparents were born in the 1890s and my mother in the 1920s and neither generation would have put up with dirty houses.  If anything, because there weren't good treatments for many diseases and medical treatment had to be paid for, they knew how important it was to keep everything clean.  Without all mod cons we have today, that meant many hours of work every week but it was done because it was essential to keeping the family well.

Mojisola

-taff said:

Sit her down, explain you don't like it when she criticises how you live. Tell her you like living how you live. However, if she feels the urge the clean then moving objects is not allowed, but she's free to do the hoovering, dusting or anything else that's considered cleaning if she feels like it. And change the way you think about it. If you think about it as having a free cleaner, then it's a win for both of you.

I wouldn't do this - it doesn't help set the boundaries between them.  

It's not the mother's house or her life - her daughter has the right to live how she wants.

skint_chick

My mum behaves exactly the same - always commenting on my weight, my clothes, my choices in life, my home, everything. I just put up with it, until she made my lovely sister in law cry with one of her horrible comments 6 weeks after my nephew was born. I decided I wasn't going to stand for it anymore, and if she said anything I didn't like over the phone I just said I had to go and ended the conversation, in person I would just say 'That's not a nice thing to say' and talk about something else or walk away if I could - almost like she was a child. I stopped initiating contact and when she commented that I never called her anymore I just said I was busy. It took her about 6 months to get the hint and now she is nicer, although still horrible on occasions.

You need to be firm and tell her 'I don't need you to clean my home, I am happy with how I live, I'm concerned about you crying over my puppy behaving normally and chewing a carpet, and you cried at x and y, maybe you should see your GP if you're that unhappy about other people's normal lives.' If you're not feeling like that would go well, then stop inviting her over, when she questions it just say you've been busy and you're free on x day to pop round to her for half an hour.' It's going to take a while as she has been used to getting away with it. If she comments on your weight or says anything then quickly tell her you have to go and leave.

Timpu

Nothing is ever "right" is is OP? My Mum is like this too (why do Mum's feel this behaviour is acceptable??!). For the sake of your own sanity, limit contact and get on with enjoying your life exactly as you choose to. As well as this, my approach has been to keep any visit short. It stops her getting too comfy in my company. That reduces the chances of nasty personal comments and focuses her mind on more important things. I think part of the problem is that we don't have anything in common so she picks on ridiculous things to try and control me.

maman

 I have 2 grown up DDs. One cleans obsessively. is overweight and has a dog that she treats like a (spoilt) child. The other doesn't cook and works far too hard. That's not the way I choose to live but I wouldn't dream of commenting to them. They know my views but it's unspoken. I think it's called 'keeping mum'. 😁
P. S. They do have lots of good points too and I'm sure they don't think I'm perfect either . 😁

RelievedSheff

If it is your home causing the problem why not arrange to meet up with your mum in a neutral space like the park or a local coffee shop etc?

MovingForwards

Last time I saw my mom was about 2 years ago. I had driven overnight to get the last of my things from my ex's house, then went to see my mom. 
Got criticised for being 'overweight', having 'messy hair', 'looking tired' and wearing scruffy clothes.

I lost it and the conversation was along the lines of " I've just f-ing driven down, overnight, X amount of miles, taken me X f-ing hours, I'm bursting for a f-ing p- as ex switched the water off in the f-ing house, I'm b- knackered as I've not been to f-ing sleep because of f-ing driving overnight, because I was f-ing going through things in that f-ing house I wasn't going to wear my nice f-ing clothes and all you are doing is f-ing having a f-ing dig at me. This is the first and last time I will be down since f-ing moving, I'm going home as it's going to take me at least X hours"

Upto that point I was respectful not to swear in front of her, always bit my tongue, but had reached the point that I didn't care anymore.

I now make a monthly phone call and even then she finds things to have a dig at me about, I end the call. She's a negative, toxic person and as an adult I am free to make my choices.

When I was with my ex she went to the house a couple of times and would clean up, rearranged everything when I was on holiday, funny thing is she has always been overweight.

I won't let her control me or my life, I won't seek her approval for anything as I don't want or need it.