Mum commenting on my house

Fireflyaway

I think my mum feels sorry for me. She can't comprehend that it's possible for me to be happy living the way I do. So last week my bed frame broke. I decided to take it apart and search for a new one. My mum saw a couple of the slats that I had not yet moved to the garage and the look on her face! She started questioning how I am sleeping. She looked disgusted. Even my daughter said it will only be a short while before my mum insists on buying me a new bed. I'm perfectly happy on a mattress until I see a bed I like. I can see how mum wants me to be happy but I feel she sees me as having failed or not being capable of sorting out my own issues. It's always a feeling that she disapproves of what I'm doing / not doing. It could be a learned behaviour. My dad told me my nan (mums mum) was a very critical and negative person. 

Mrsn

OP my mother is exactly the same. She comments on things that honestly I don’t feel is fair like weight (she’s done this since we were young and is now doing the same to my nieces), why I don’t make my husbands packed lunch and the weeds in my front garden is her biggest bugbear. Bearing in mind she visits so very rarely so she isn’t around when the garden actually is weed free apparently makes her feel it’s like that all the time.

I keep her at arms length because it isn’t worth the way the relationship has to be on “her terms”. You need to do what’s best for you.... being put down in your own home isn’t acceptable.

tealady

I would be so tempted to say " my house, my life , my mess, MY BUSINESS!

Pollycat

I recall threads about your Mum and her criticising you.

It will never change until you change.

Here's some advice you were given back in February:

Pollycat said:

helensbiggestfan said:

Great post HazyJo and some nice clothes featured.  

I was a size 18 for years and I agree, it's all about dressing to suit your shape and colouring.   The right shape and cut can work wonders, making you look a stone slimmer.  

Fireflyaway........don't torture yourself because size 16 is actually the average clothes size for women in the U.K.   By all means lose weight if you wish to, but do it for you, not your partner or your mum. It's your body, learn to love and cherish it. 

Im frankly appalled at the way your partner and your mother are treating you. I'm sorry but you need to stand up to them......you need to tell them that their behaviour is neither helpful or acceptable and you simply will not tolerate it any more. Tell your mother you are no longer a child and from now on she has to treat you as an adult and with the respect you deserve.  

As for your partner, well I'm afraid depression is no excuse for rudeness, bullying or hurtful words. Even if he looked like an Adonis (which clearly he doesnt because he too is overweight) doesn't give him the right to be so disrespectful to you.  

Time to adopt a red rope policy.......only allowing  people who are kind and nice into your inner circle.  If they can't be kind and loving to you then they don't deserve to have a place in your life.  

They need to change their tune and either shape up or ship out.  Harsh, yes, but it's your life not theirs.  You really don't have to put up with their unkindness.  

And this ^^^^ is a great post too.

Re the bit in bold:

I know someone who has adopted this policy.

She has had long term family issues (not caused by her) and she has cut out all of the family as that's the only way she can't feel down-trodden and vulnerable.

I'm not suggesting you do this but maybe it's time to set some boundaries, especially for your Mother.

Fireflyaway said:

My mum does treat me like a child. She will come to the house but start doing jobs. I've lost count how many times I've asked her not to. Every time we meet the conversation turns to weight. I almost want to slim down just to be left alone! I think she has the best of intentions but it makes me feel inadequate. 

Then don't ask. Tell her. And if she doesn't take any notice, take the duster or brush or whatever out of her hand.

When the conversation turns to weight, change the subject. And keep changing it.

I think you need to have a chat to your Mum and tell her all of the above.

Set those boundaries.

And don't let her step over them.

74jax

Grumpy_chap said:

Exactly this happened when my wife and I first married.  We gave both sets of parents keys for emergency.  

My mother in law did not understand what emergency meant and it got to a stage that she would just come in and start hoovering  because she arrived early ( before my wife and I got back from work).  MiL would always say she thought it looked like the carpets needed it.

My wife was too nervous to confront MiL, so one day after we had visited MiL for dinner, I took out the hoover and started vacuuming.  MiL went ballistic and I totally kept my cool and simply said it looked like the carpets needed it.  Cue lecture about manners and when she stopped shouting, I simply said that I was following the example set by my MiL and that any MiL is lucky to have a son-in-law that respects her teaching to such an extent.

MiL never touched our vacuum cleaner again.

We got all the keys back and no longer have an emergency key holder.

I absolutely love this. I'm sure it wasnt as funny as it reads to me, and probably took some guts to do it. But we'll done you.
Not nasty, not picking at faults, just doing as she did.
And you got the result too. 

Sea_Shell

There's always the opposite way of dealing.   Make yourself a cup of tea, sit with a magazine.   Pass her the cleaning stuff and hoover and let her fill her boots!! 

Maybe leave her all the washing up on purpose, as "I knew you were coming".

Maybe all the ironing too!!


Seriously, it sounds like she has issues (OCD?) around cleanliness.  But that doesn't excuse her from being rude to you, or about you.

74jax

You know what op, you are one of a few on here id love to have a coffee with. (don't worry I know the rules....., 😂).
You sound very much like me many years ago with my mother (and id just split up with husband no. 1 too).
My mam would run her finger over thing.... Tut, etc etc
Our relationship broke down. It's hard for me to write as she died this year, and I feel I'm talking ill of the dead or something! But we really didn't have that relationship we once did.
And it was easier for me. I'd stress so much on her visits. Even phone calls were hard. 
You need to speak to her. Make the rules. Or just don't let her in. If she takes offence, you need to question how much it matters to you. 

pinkshoes

I get it the opposite way. My MIL is always criticising me for cleaning my house!

I grew up in a lovely clean home, although we didn't have pets.

I now have 2 dogs, so when DH takes the kids up to bed, I tidy up and run round with the vacuum every day. I cannot relax in the evening in a room where there is dog hair and bits all over the carpets. 

When I go to my in-laws house, it is gross. The carpet is thick with dog hair from their husky, the chairs are hairy as the dog is allowed on all the furniture. It just makes me feel uneasy and I cannot relax. The kids then sit on the floor or chairs and all their clothes get covered in dog hair. They always leave food out on the side. The bathroom is just yuck! No idea when the toilet last had a good scrub!

Some people can just live "like that". Some find it stressful.

So perhaps your mum is having a hard time with you living in an environment that she considers to be dirty by her standards, hence her comments? 

I had to live with my in-laws for 4 months when we had sold our house 5 years ago. As a thank you for letting us stay rent free, I offered to clean!!! The bath was so dirty me and DH scrubbed it before even contemplating putting DS1 in it!!!

olgadapolga

74jax said:

My mam would run her finger over things.... Tut, etc etc

I'm sorry, but that's outrageous. It reminded me of a time I went to my friend's for a small "gathering". Her husband worked odd shifts so got home after the gathering had started. We'd been told to park our car on their driveway in front of their garage. The husband was unhappy about that and came into the house shouting about it (without acknowledging anyone there) so we moved it, it wasn't a problem. He then came back in, having moved his car and did EXACTLY this, in front of eight or nine other people, but slightly worse as he made a really offensive remark at the same time (along the lines of "couldn't be bothered to clean then?" even though she was in full time employment, which amounted to more hours than he worked).  DH and I were completely shocked that he could act in such a manner and outraged on her behalf as her house was almost spotlessly clean at the time (apart from this one area of dust he'd found).

We never went back to their house after that,  as it was just awful, seeing my friend demeaned like that. My friend eventually divorced him a few years later.

And I wouldn't worry about the "speaking ill of the dead". There are very few of us who get through life with an unblemished record. I get quite annoyed by the way in which the dead are supposed to be revered, as though they lived their lives in a totally wholesome way. My father was an absolutely horrible man who abused my mother throughout their lives together. I haven't shed a tear for him, nor will I as his death freed my mother from his tyranny. My mother was relieved when he died and just wants to forget everything about him. My father used to moan about everyone behind their backs, some of the things he used to say about my siblings are unrepeatable but he'd never say it to their faces. I always used to leave wondering what he used to say about me once I'd left (not that it would have bothered me overly as I knew what he was like). My siblings must have had to sit through his rantings about others, yet they think that his death was the most terrible thing ever. When my mother needs to deload about her life existence with my father, I am a willing listener as I understand fully where she's coming from, which my siblings clearly don't. We frequently "speak ill of the dead" during these conversations. It doesn't bother me in the slightest. Sometimes it's hard to "forget" about the bad actions of the deceased and it's better for the living to vent about it.

-taff

Sit her down, explain you don't like it when she criticises how you live. Tell her you like living how you live. However, if she feels the urge the clean then moving objects is not allowed, but she's free to do the hoovering, dusting or anything else that's considered cleaning if she feels like it. And change the way you think about it. If you think about it as having a free cleaner, then it's a win for both of you.