Mum commenting on my house

Fireflyaway

My mum makes me feel so uncomfortable when she comes round. I can see her scrutinizing things and if I leave her alone, she starts 'tidying up'. She has told me many times that my house is messy or dirty and constantly offers to 'help' clean up. She once told me she would feel depressed if she had a kitchen like mine. Today she was commenting on the living room carpet. It is in bad condition I agree. It's old and stained and our puppy has chewed a piece! However until he is properly house trained I see no point in replacing it. So when my mum was leaving she said she worried about me. I asked why and she started crying and said she is upset by me 'living in these conditions '!  Part of me just can't take it in. I really don't believe my house is that bad. I find it insulting and rude that she keeps commenting. We all have different standards and if I'm happy then why is it her business? I know she has my best interests at heart but I feel she is overstepping boundaries. I've tried making jokes or brushing it off but it's upsetting me now. Should I talk to her about it? Should I limit her coming over and go to hers instead?  I'm just getting tired of the criticism. 

Grumpy_chap

Exactly this happened when my wife and I first married.  We gave both sets of parents keys for emergency.  

My mother in law did not understand what emergency meant and it got to a stage that she would just come in and start hoovering  because she arrived early ( before my wife and I got back from work).  MiL would always say she thought it looked like the carpets needed it.

My wife was too nervous to confront MiL, so one day after we had visited MiL for dinner, I took out the hoover and started vacuuming.  MiL went ballistic and I totally kept my cool and simply said it looked like the carpets needed it.  Cue lecture about manners and when she stopped shouting, I simply said that I was following the example set by my MiL and that any MiL is lucky to have a son-in-law that respects her teaching to such an extent.

MiL never touched our vacuum cleaner again.

We got all the keys back and no longer have an emergency key holder.

Flugelhorn

There is no changing her - go to her house instead and relax in your own house

My mother used to witter quietly about my house, when we were on holiday she drove over to clean the house for us, trouble was we had switched the water off and locked the gates on the drive. Silly of her as I would have been furious that she had interfered

DayDreamerandGeneralWaster

Completely agree with these comments. If you can't give her a taste of her own medicine, don't let her in your house. Some people don't understand boundaries. 

olgadapolga

In your position, I would say something to her, mother or not. In fact, if my mother had made comments or asked if she could help tidy up, she'd have been shown the door and asked to leave. But that wouldn't happen as my mother wouldn't make comments about my home any more than I would about hers. No-one has the right to come into your home and make you uncomfortable by making comments about it. Tell her.  Your mother may be offended for a while but she'll get over it. She either accepts that we all have different ways of doing things, including how we want our homes or she doesn't. If she doesn't, then maybe she should stay away from your home. As long as you are happy with your home, that's all that matters.

gizmo111

Fireflyaway said:

My mum makes me feel so uncomfortable when she comes round. I can see her scrutinizing things and if I leave her alone, she starts 'tidying up'. She has told me many times that my house is messy or dirty and constantly offers to 'help' clean up. She once told me she would feel depressed if she had a kitchen like mine. Today she was commenting on the living room carpet. It is in bad condition I agree. It's old and stained and our puppy has chewed a piece! However until he is properly house trained I see no point in replacing it. So when my mum was leaving she said she worried about me. I asked why and she started crying and said she is upset by me 'living in these conditions '!  Part of me just can't take it in. I really don't believe my house is that bad. I find it insulting and rude that she keeps commenting. We all have different standards and if I'm happy then why is it her business? I know she has my best interests at heart but I feel she is overstepping boundaries. I've tried making jokes or brushing it off but it's upsetting me now. Should I talk to her about it? Should I limit her coming over and go to hers instead?  I'm just getting tired of the criticism. 

Your mum is obviously worried  and means well, and your standards may well be different to hers, my parents and my ex-in-laws always kept perfect dust free zones and had a cleaning routine that made my eyes water - even to the extent of watching TV on a Sunday night and washing and drying the pegs ready for the Monday wash........They valued all their possessions and looked after them with love and care, in-laws still have a carpet in front room which is 35+ years old and apart from the aged pattern you would put it at 5 years or so, they are always surprised if I get something new, when the old stuff would still last, or if they come for dinner and I don't do the dishes immediately after, but over the years they just accept it - house is not dirty just different to theirs.
Point I'm making is yes we all have different standards and maybe your mum is similar to my older family, but she seems genuinely distressed about your house
 - what makes her depressed, and so worried that she has to cry about your living conditions, do you have Children and that is maybe why she is worrying?  Is it because of lockdown that you can't be bothered or is mum just too fussy?

comeandgo

I suppose it depends how bad it is.  I have a mucky daughter too.  My husband very rarely visits as he is so uncomfortable in the house.  In fact she has very few visitors, the living area and kitchen is not clean.  I have offered to help her clean up but even if we do it together it's just as bad in a few days.  Are you comfortable living in a dirty house?  If so continue, if you are not comfortable maybe get a cleaner for a few hours.

olgadapolga

comeandgo said:

  Are you comfortable living in a dirty house?  

Not sure how you reached the assumption that the OP has a dirty house being as a carpet was the only thing the OP said was a problem, along with her reason for not replacing it. If I had a puppy I wouldn't be replacing it either until the dog was house trained. Just because the OP's mother has different standards of cleanliness, it does not mean that the OP's house is "dirty".

Fireflyaway

Thank you both. Grumpy-chap that is very funny! I couldn't imagine ever commenting on my parents house, money, weight etc but my mum feels it's apparently OK to constantly comment on mine. I'm 41. I consider myself to be reasonably intelligent. I have an income. I definitely respect that my parents have more life experience and I always listen to what they have to say. My mum makes me feel as though she sees me as incapable. When she cried at my wedding it wasn't because she thought I looked beautiful, it was because she was relieved that the dress did up! When I needed surgery she said I should lose weight so the surgeon had fewer layers of fat to cut through. Who says that?!  When I returned from holiday I couldn't find plates for supper. Mum had come in and rearranged where everything was stored, telling me it was more efficient. A while back mum said I could have a spare parasol for the garden. I thanked her for her offer but declined. So rather than leave it there, a few days later she texted me about it. Then emailed. Then telephoned. Then left a voicemail telling me dad was coming to drop it round. I know it's petty but it's annoying. My opinion is never taken seriously. 

Fireflyaway

olgadapolga said:

comeandgo said:

  Are you comfortable living in a dirty house?  

Not sure how you reached the assumption that the OP has a dirty house being as a carpet was the only thing the OP said was a problem, along with her reason for not replacing it. If I had a puppy I wouldn't be replacing it either until the dog was house trained. Just because the OP's mother has different standards of cleanliness, it does not mean that the OP's house is "dirty".

Thank you olgadapolga! I don't consider my house to be dirty and having been furloughed, I've actually cleaned more than usual recently. I've been as honest with myself as possible and willing to admit it my house needs improving but I honestly don't think it does. It's no worse than my sister in laws or the houses of my child's friends.  My child's room is very tidy and she has told me in her opinion our house is not bad, it's that my mum's is over the top tidy. 

DayDreamerandGeneralWaster

The giving you things you said you don't want and not leaving you alone sounds like my mil. Treats us like children. She sounds quite toxic tbh. Can you limit contact?