Mum commenting on my house

RelievedSheff

onwards&upwards said:

OP I have to ask why you spend so much time with someone who makes you feel bad?  

The fact that she’s your mother is not a pressing reason! 

Fully agree with this.

I have not seen my parents for 19 years. We have never got on so it was just easier all round if we just stopped all contact.

I'm not saying the OP should just stop contact full stop but perhaps making it longer periods between visits might help smooth things over.

JWM

Fireflyaway said:

Thank you so much everyone, these comments have made me feel better! I hate conflict and I never argue or disagree with my parents. On the surface this probably seems lovely and sweet and mature but to a degree I think it's unhealthy. I am basically repressing emotions and by not saying anything, allowing my mum to carry on upsetting me. As pointed out, this has been happening a long time. If we went for coffee in the past and I ordered cake, mum would say 'you don't need a cake, just have the coffee'. Or 'you don't need butter and jam'. She was always cutting out newspaper articles about diets and health issues linked to obesity. One day I had enough and I said that these comments won't make me slimmer, they just annoy me and I will probably just eat more. Since then she calmed down a bit! Maybe I need to adopt the same approach with the house / cleaning! I'm sure my mum is reporting back to her friends how messy my house is. Makes me feel uncomfortable. I don't want to be someone who can't take criticism and I do worry that maybe I am the one at fault for not wanting to hear 'feedback'? I definitely over think things. It's hard to know when an opinion is just that or if it's bordering on insulting or is in fact overstepping boundaries.

BIB. It doesn't sound mature to me OP, quite the opposite in fact. DS is in his 20's now and I would be mortified if he never disagreed with me, he is (and always has been) his own man and doesn't think I'm some kind of higher being that is always right. Why on earth should he?

You have been given some really great advice in this thread, please follow it. The broken record technique is a good one, also pointing out to someone that they are being rude might make them think twice.

If not, limiting contact is the only way.

MovingForwards

Just out of curiosity, how much do you say to your mom about your life? Are you using her as a sounding board or someone to offload to? Perhaps saying things in passing to keep conversations going?

Pollycat

MovingForwards said:

Just out of curiosity, how much do you say to your mom about your life? Are you using her as a sounding board or someone to offload to? Perhaps saying things in passing to keep conversations going?

My friend did this.

Every argument she had with her (now ex) husband was relayed to her Mum.

And then she wondered why her Mum was 'off' with her OH when they'd patched things up.

thorsoak

Practice saying this "mum, I love you dearly,  but I hate the way that you are always putting me down.   Do you realise that you never say anything positive to me about anything?   I don't want to hear what you think about me, I know.  So just button up - or back out.  I don't care what you think - it's my life.   End of discussion".     And then walk away.    Do not do this at home - yours or hers.   Take her to a coffee shop (she won't make a scene in public).
Keep practice saying it!

sweetsand

Pollycat said:

sweetsand said:

Pollycat said:

OP
You do realise that if you don't put a stop to this, you'll be posting the same thing in 3 or 4 months time...?

That IMHO is a baseless opinion. The OP has asked a question that afflicts many people and just as many are
too worried to say something. However, one needs to think about the impact their actions will have and decide if it is worth it.
Chins up OP, in the one ear out of the other as I said earlier and keep hold of what on the odd occasion may be sound advice.

x

Maybe in your opinion it is a baseless opinion.

But it is true.

You only need to read back through some of the OP's other threads.

In my earlier post, I copied advice from me and and another poster from a thread earlier in the year.

The OP is back with the same issue.

Therefore, if she doesn't do anything about it, she will be posting the same thing in 3 or 4 months.

It's entirely up to the OP whether she does something about her Mum's behaviour or not.

I was not aware of "other threads" but the OP has every right to air the question as she/he sees fit. What I can never understand is the fact that I have seen many times where posters like you complain about "similar threads" started by some poster, why not avoid?  That is a serious question. If I felt someone was being repetitive, I would ignore or try to help further as clearly an poster inc the OP is rightly entitled to ask for advice, etc and that is a fact.

Dear OP, I wish you luck and it is not as easy as some make it out to be otherwise you would not be here
x

sweetsand

74jax said:

sweetsand said:

Pollycat said:

Fireflyaway said:

I think I do need to be more assertive but I'm convinced even if the house were to her liking, she would find something else to criticise. I don't think she sees me as a capable adult, nor can she understand that I could possibly be happy living the way I do. She is very set in her ways of thinking. Virtually everything I say is followed by a criticism. I may say that we had a meal out at the weekend. She will tell me we eat out too much and it's silly because there is nothing to show for it. I told her my husband is going to visit his mum for a few weeks. She proceeds to tut and say he is wasting money on rent if he isn't living in the house. I've been told I buy too many clothes for my child, I shouldn't send my child to private school because they will be made fun of for not being rich, my child has a tummy and will be made fun of, I don't walk my dog for long enough..... On a shopping trip mum told me I looked pregnant when I tried a dress on. Then she said I'm so different from x's daughter because she is slim and cares about her appearance. Honestly I could go on and on! I am slowly starting to realize I shouldn't feel bad. I'm never going to please her and should just concentrate on making myself happy. 

OP
You do realise that if you don't put a stop to this, you'll be posting the same thing in 3 or 4 months time...?

That IMHO is a baseless opinion. The OP has asked a question that afflicts many people and just as many are
too worried to say something. However, one needs to think about the impact their actions will have and decide if it is worth it.
Chins up OP, in the one ear out of the other as I said earlier and keep hold of what on the odd occasion may be sound advice.

x

The OP posts like this very often. Same scenario.
I completely agree, unless it's addressed then op will post again.
Saying if it's not addressed then she'll post again in 4 month is a really good way of saying 'address it, or don't, it's up to you but it won't change if you don't'.
The OP is very open, it wasn't criticism at all. But a fact. We will still be here to help and off load too. And will still be here in 4 months if needs be.
Read previous posts it's gone on for many, many (many) years.

Thank you Ajax for you diplomatic post. There are many people like that inc me, it is just how we are but the way you put it is nice.
x

MovingForwards

Pollycat said:

MovingForwards said:

Just out of curiosity, how much do you say to your mom about your life? Are you using her as a sounding board or someone to offload to? Perhaps saying things in passing to keep conversations going?

My friend did this.

Every argument she had with her (now ex) husband was relayed to her Mum.

And then she wondered why her Mum was 'off' with her OH when they'd patched things up.

Didn't even tell my mom we had separated until about 2 weeks before I was moving from the area. Tried asking me why and I cut the conversation, telling her it wasn't her business, the marriage was over as we had lived apart for X time and I'm packing to start over and moving to X.

When I moved and spoke with her on the phone she mentioned my ex a couple of times and got the hint that it was over as I bluntly said "he's my ex, I don't give a s---- about him or his life, so don't bother asking me or mentioning it, I've made my life in X"

Got slatted for not taking for ex for everything I could when I did the divorce, again cut her down on that one.

I knew from a very young age what my mom was like and got away from it. My middle sibling doesn't have anything to do with her (unless said sibling wants something), eldest sibling still lives in the family home.

Whatever you do Fireflyaway, you won't meet the fantasy world your mom has created.

Pollycat

sweetsand said:

I was not aware of "other threads" but the OP has every right to air the question as she/he sees fit. What I can never understand is the fact that I have seen many times where posters like you complain about "similar threads" started by some poster, why not avoid?  That is a serious question. If I felt someone was being repetitive, I would ignore or try to help further as clearly an poster inc the OP is rightly entitled to ask for advice, etc and that is a fact.

Dear OP, I wish you luck and it is not as easy as some make it out to be otherwise you would not be here
x

I really don't think I've ever said that the OP doesn't have "every right to air the question as she/he sees fit" but please do correct me if I'm wrong.

If the OP would prefer me to delete my posts, I will be more than happy to do so.

However, I would hope that she would see that my comments are made from concern for her.

I regret that you are unable to see that.

FTR, I'm not complaining about the OP starting this thread.

I just hope my comments have maybe made her realise that this is really not going to go away.

All the tea and sympathy in the world isn't going to achieve that.

And I really do have just as much right to comment on any thread as you do.

Takmon

sweetsand said:

Pollycat said:

Fireflyaway said:

I think I do need to be more assertive but I'm convinced even if the house were to her liking, she would find something else to criticise. I don't think she sees me as a capable adult, nor can she understand that I could possibly be happy living the way I do. She is very set in her ways of thinking. Virtually everything I say is followed by a criticism. I may say that we had a meal out at the weekend. She will tell me we eat out too much and it's silly because there is nothing to show for it. I told her my husband is going to visit his mum for a few weeks. She proceeds to tut and say he is wasting money on rent if he isn't living in the house. I've been told I buy too many clothes for my child, I shouldn't send my child to private school because they will be made fun of for not being rich, my child has a tummy and will be made fun of, I don't walk my dog for long enough..... On a shopping trip mum told me I looked pregnant when I tried a dress on. Then she said I'm so different from x's daughter because she is slim and cares about her appearance. Honestly I could go on and on! I am slowly starting to realize I shouldn't feel bad. I'm never going to please her and should just concentrate on making myself happy. 

OP
You do realise that if you don't put a stop to this, you'll be posting the same thing in 3 or 4 months time...?

That IMHO is a baseless opinion. The OP has asked a question that afflicts many people and just as many are
too worried to say something. However, one needs to think about the impact their actions will have and decide if it is worth it.
Chins up OP, in the one ear out of the other as I said earlier and keep hold of what on the odd occasion may be sound advice.

x

I'm surprised at how many people have such dysfunctional relationships with their parents when they are grown adults. Why would you be too worried to say something? Myself and my parents are both adults and if they made comments that i wouldn't accept from other adults then i would happily say something about it, just like if i said something to them that they found unacceptable. I see my parents fairly often because i like spending time with them but if i didn't like them then i wouldn't make the effort to see them. 

Family is obviously important and effort should be made to stay in contact and be there for each other but this effort has to go both ways so if a parent is acting inappropriately then they need to be told straight. Just because they are your parents that doesn't mean they have some kind of right to give constant criticisms and they certainly don't know any better than any of the millions of people their age just because they are your parents. 
If my mother was always calling me fat, ugly, untidy etc in a nasty way i wouldn't accept it no more than i would accept it from anyone else.