Mum commenting on my house

Fireflyaway

I think the problem with spending on anything is the way you 'advertise' it. If you spend a huge amount on curtains but don't go around boasting about it or making fun of someone with cheaper curtains, then I'd say it's up to the person how they spend their money. My personal experience is that the less well off people I've met are upfront about their situation. They might buy flashy things they don't need but don't hide the fact they used a doorstep lender or catalogue to get it. The more well off people I know are quite down to earth. They don't talk about money or the cost of things. They are happy to be living comfortably and feel no need to show off. The most show off people I've personally met are the ones in the middle. They are doing ok but care a lot about what others think of them. They make out they are better off financially than they are, always dropping into conversations what they bought / how much it cost ( but not mentioning it's all been bought on a credit card!). 
I think finances are another boundary that parents should obssrve. My mum has made many assumptions over the years. How many times have I been told 'surely you can't afford that' or 'what a waste of money'. I've always worked and I don't think it's anyone's business how I spend my money. Somewhere along the line I became an adult but I don't think my mum noticed! 

RelievedSheff

Fireflyaway said:

I think the problem with spending on anything is the way you 'advertise' it. If you spend a huge amount on curtains but don't go around boasting about it or making fun of someone with cheaper curtains, then I'd say it's up to the person how they spend their money. My personal experience is that the less well off people I've met are upfront about their situation. They might buy flashy things they don't need but don't hide the fact they used a doorstep lender or catalogue to get it. The more well off people I know are quite down to earth. They don't talk about money or the cost of things. They are happy to be living comfortably and feel no need to show off. The most show off people I've personally met are the ones in the middle. They are doing ok but care a lot about what others think of them. They make out they are better off financially than they are, always dropping into conversations what they bought / how much it cost ( but not mentioning it's all been bought on a credit card!). 
I think finances are another boundary that parents should obssrve. My mum has made many assumptions over the years. How many times have I been told 'surely you can't afford that' or 'what a waste of money'. I've always worked and I don't think it's anyone's business how I spend my money. Somewhere along the line I became an adult but I don't think my mum noticed! 

Deary me. Complains about people being judgmental towards them and then writes possibly the most judgmental post possible with an added spattering of stereotypes to boot.

You can't have it both ways!

Fireflyaway

RelievedSheff said:

Fireflyaway said:

I think the problem with spending on anything is the way you 'advertise' it. If you spend a huge amount on curtains but don't go around boasting about it or making fun of someone with cheaper curtains, then I'd say it's up to the person how they spend their money. My personal experience is that the less well off people I've met are upfront about their situation. They might buy flashy things they don't need but don't hide the fact they used a doorstep lender or catalogue to get it. The more well off people I know are quite down to earth. They don't talk about money or the cost of things. They are happy to be living comfortably and feel no need to show off. The most show off people I've personally met are the ones in the middle. They are doing ok but care a lot about what others think of them. They make out they are better off financially than they are, always dropping into conversations what they bought / how much it cost ( but not mentioning it's all been bought on a credit card!). 
I think finances are another boundary that parents should obssrve. My mum has made many assumptions over the years. How many times have I been told 'surely you can't afford that' or 'what a waste of money'. I've always worked and I don't think it's anyone's business how I spend my money. Somewhere along the line I became an adult but I don't think my mum noticed! 

Deary me. Complains about people being judgmental towards them and then writes possibly the most judgmental post possible with an added spattering of stereotypes to boot.

You can't have it both ways!

Yes, call it judgemental if you like ( the default term everyone uses when a comment makes them feel uneasy), but I'm not certain that's the right word to use. The examples I mentioned are all based on people I've met so it's factual.  I'm not jumping to conclusions and neither did I say that they were wrong or right in their behaviour. It's their choice what they do with their money. However I have an opinion and I fail to see why that's bad? How would we function as humans if we didn't have form opinions based on our experiences or knowledge? Anyways....Working in a deprived community there were many many people who lived off benefits (usually because they didn't want to work, not because of disability or job loss). They would have the latest gadgets and designer clothes but have rent arrears and be using food banks. Appearance was more important than taking care of the essentials. Again these are actual people that I knew. I'm not jumping to conclusions. Neither am I saying they are bad people. Most of them were actually really nice. However they all knew they had no money so the purpose of the gadgets / clothes couldn't have been to try and convince people that they did. The people in the middle (I'm talking about the ones I know. I also consider myself to be one) do have a bit more money but not as much as their outward appearance would have you believe. If next door has a range rover they get one. They go on holidays but put it on a credit card. One of my colleagues was always going away and always boasting about her new shoes. It was all on a credit card. She showed me the statement once. £15k of debt. I could give more examples but I wont bore you anymore! It's not a bad thing to have an opinion. If I went round telling these people they are stupid or greedy etc then yes that's wrong. It's not my business how they live their life. It's very self righteous to assume I'm looking down on any of the people in these examples. This is a forum where people are supposed to express opinions and as usual just in this one thread, several people have criticized others for their posts. I'm forever grateful for the kind and considered posts. Some opinions have been hard to except but I'm still grateful for the different viewpoints. I didn't come here to hear only nice things. I do feel sad that some people are so quick to berate others. 

Frith

That’s the most unpleasant and judgmental post I’ve ever read on MSE, in over a decade. 

KxMx

I think expressing a general opinion reasonably anonymously on a message board and being critical face to face almost constantly towards an individual are two very different things. 

onwards&upwards

KxMx said:

I think expressing a general opinion reasonably anonymously on a message board and being critical face to face almost constantly towards an individual are two very different things. 

It’s not where/how she’s expressing it that’s unpleasant, it’s the attitude itself. 

The OP has always come across as generally kind and pleasant, so hopefully this nastiness is just a bad day. 

Shula61

My MIL was like this, and unfortunately I never found a solution, I just ended up tolerating it until I got divorced (nothing to do with MIL!).

happyandcontented

Fireflyaway said:

RelievedSheff said:

Fireflyaway said:

I think the problem with spending on anything is the way you 'advertise' it. If you spend a huge amount on curtains but don't go around boasting about it or making fun of someone with cheaper curtains, then I'd say it's up to the person how they spend their money. My personal experience is that the less well off people I've met are upfront about their situation. They might buy flashy things they don't need but don't hide the fact they used a doorstep lender or catalogue to get it. The more well off people I know are quite down to earth. They don't talk about money or the cost of things. They are happy to be living comfortably and feel no need to show off. The most show off people I've personally met are the ones in the middle. They are doing ok but care a lot about what others think of them. They make out they are better off financially than they are, always dropping into conversations what they bought / how much it cost ( but not mentioning it's all been bought on a credit card!). 
I think finances are another boundary that parents should obssrve. My mum has made many assumptions over the years. How many times have I been told 'surely you can't afford that' or 'what a waste of money'. I've always worked and I don't think it's anyone's business how I spend my money. Somewhere along the line I became an adult but I don't think my mum noticed! 

Deary me. Complains about people being judgmental towards them and then writes possibly the most judgmental post possible with an added spattering of stereotypes to boot.

You can't have it both ways!

Yes, call it judgemental if you like ( the default term everyone uses when a comment makes them feel uneasy), but I'm not certain that's the right word to use.

Does this not apply to the comments your mum is making?
As you say, it is your house and you are entitled to live in it as you see fit, but perhaps your reaction to her comments falls into the category above?

RelievedSheff

onwards&upwards said:

KxMx said:

I think expressing a general opinion reasonably anonymously on a message board and being critical face to face almost constantly towards an individual are two very different things. 

It’s not where/how she’s expressing it that’s unpleasant, it’s the attitude itself. 

The OP has always come across as generally kind and pleasant, so hopefully this nastiness is just a bad day. 

Equally it could be how the OP conducts themselves day to day and would explain the root of their problems.

squirrelchops2

happyandcontented said:

squirrelchops2 said:

FFireflyaway said:

Squirrelchops2 - this is exactly my mum!! My mum is retired with only her and my dad at home. I work full time (until recently that involved 2 hours a day commuting as well) and have a teenager and animals. 
Exactly the same with repairing or replacing things. If something breaks my parents will literally jump in the car immediately to get a new whatever it was. Like you I'm happy to wait until I see what I like / can afford it. It's not because I'm lazy, I just have different priorities and I'm very content and grateful for what I do have. I think my mum cares too much about outwards appearance and what other people will think or say. 

I've just remembered a good one - the £1000 curtains - for one pair! One pair!  and in the second sitting room not the main daily used room! I mean goodness me if they want to throw money away they can give it to me.

Are you not being just as judgemental as the OP is complaining her mother is?

If your parents want to spend £1000 on a pair of curtains why shouldn't they if they have the money?

A friend of mine spent 2.5k on a pair, which is not something I would do but it is her business, not mine.

Hi happyandcontented
I was commenting on my inlaws spending that on curtains as a way of merely showing our difference. By that I mean my mother in law probably thinks I am bonkers when I don't rush out and immediately buy something new in my home that has broken or could be better (eg like OP and her carpet) because my mother in law wouldn't bat an eyelid at spending £1000 just like that with little thought.  So, sometimes my house might not look as pristine as my in laws would like and hence they have cause to comment but I am not going to just spend money willy nilly so it is finished like a show home in one go - I have to save to be able to buy the things I need and can't just spend £1000 on curtains in one go.