Mum commenting on my house

yksi

As for poorer people and their spending decisions... here is what I have learned. I used to think they were fools. Then I began working with people in financial trouble, most of whom only had benefits as their income. I learned that a lack of financial skill is a plague. My mum had been very frugal. She saved for a rainy day because she knew that rainy days would come. My clients had learned from the opposite behaviour. When you have seen your own family live hand-to-mouth all your life, spending every penny, then this is the way of life that you learn is normal.

Needing a new school jumper was something they "couldn't" plan for, because Matilda dropping ink down the front was unexpected. They always had bad luck and things just happened to them. They did not connect it to last week's takeaway, because it was half-price night, so it was good value. It was easy for me to be judgemental at first. But when they say things like this, what they are actually saying was that they believe they are saving money. They actually think it's the same as going home with £20 in their pocket when what they are actually doing is spending £20, money that maybe could have been stashed just in case Matilda broke her pen. (Why we concentrate on teaching trigonometry in school but not how to resist the temptation of buy-this-buy-that... it baffles me.)

So if you want to head off comments about not having bought something that others expect? Easy, you say you're being careful with your money because you're saving for a rainy day. Maybe if we all said this more often we'd have less of a spending culture.

[Deleted User]

74jax said:

Lover_of_Lycra said:

@Fireflyaway didn't you insist that your daughter attend private school rather than a state school and then decided to potter around in a low paying job leaving your husband to pick up the tab for school fees?  

I don't believe she's in a low paid job. I 'think' she's in a job which covers her bills, and allows her to pay for the holidays etc but her husband has mental health issues and is always striving for 'more'. He works none stop tho he doesn't have too, and expects the same of her, whereas she earns plenty and doesn't want to work into the ground (balance I guess). 
I understand they have split and she's managing perfectly fine financially with her own place and still paying for holidays (though they didn't get away due to covid). 
The private school she has previously said was her idea but he agreed and financially, due to her salary was no problem, I' think' again I can't remember, her salary would cover bills and private school, but they just split it so he paid the schooling.
I'm trying to remember an old thread so might be hazy, but not really sure why it's relevant. Other than yes, her husband was always belittling her, he was of the opinion she should earn as much as she can and the child could be looked after by others. He constantly wore her down over her weight and not reaching her potential. To be honest I think she's better off without him, but again it's an old thread. 

I find her posts oddly judgemental especially for someone who took an easy, low paid job for an easy life yet insisted her son attend private school. The OP’s job doesn’t pay enough to pay half the household bills so if the husband doesn’t come back the OP will be one of those people living on benefits. 

pickledonionspaceraider

This kicking fireflyaway is getting absurd.
You are all repeatedly calling someone judgemental, whilst making assumptions and judgements about their life.  Just saying the same thing in every post now.

Yes something was said that many didn't agree with, including me - but a character assassination is not necessary...just moving on to old posts and topics that can be pulled apart and judged....not even relevant to what was said here or why.

pollypenny

pickledonionspaceraider said:f

This kicking fireflyaway is getting absurd.
You are all repeatedly calling someone judgemental, whilst making assumptions and judgements about their life.  Just saying the same thing in every post now.

Yes something was said that many didn't agree with, including me - but a character assassination is not necessary...just moving on to old posts and topics that can be pulled apart and judged....not even relevant to what was said here or why.

I'm not going to kick the OP, but I do find it ironic that she pours out so many details of her private life to strangers, yet claims that she's 'a private person'. 

Whilst her mum might be nagging, I think it comes from genuine concern. She probably has a point. 

pickledonionspaceraider

On this note - I have never had my Mother comment on my house - but she had, in the past,  done things like

1-  She would ALWAYS look in my food cupboards.  Back then I was skint and used to shop every week - for the following week, so there would be only seven days worth of stuff - I couldn't afford to stockpile like she always did - and she knew this. But we had what we needed. She would make comments about not feeding kids etc.  That used to literally make me tearful. We had never once gone without a meal or food . She never offered to help in any way - she just opened those cupboard doors to judge - and pretty much knew what she was going to see before she did 

2- Comments about my weight fairly consistently but worst one - at a party she made a comment in front of a few of my friends...who all just stood their agog. So uncomfortable. I am not a larger lady. Never understood this, infact mother and I were same dress size

I wish I had said something at the time. Even typing this down winds me up with myself.   I was younger than and lacked the confidence to deal head on with this BS.  Now, I would rip her a new one...and psychoanalyse her by asking why she felt the need to do other people own.

 I mean its hard to judge other peoples lives and intentions I know - i mean its hard to judge if OPs house really IS a pit (sorry OP im not saying it is) but you get what i mean.....unless you knw them personally. It is hard to say if it is cruel jibes or real concern.  Unless OP posts pictures of her house, then we can say for sure lol

happyandcontented

pickledonionspaceraider said:

This kicking fireflyaway is getting absurd.
You are all repeatedly calling someone judgemental, whilst making assumptions and judgements about their life.  Just saying the same thing in every post now.

Yes something was said that many didn't agree with, including me - but a character assassination is not necessary...just moving on to old posts and topics that can be pulled apart and judged....not even relevant to what was said here or why.

I think the point is that the OP is posting about her mother being judgemental whilst clearly displaying the same traits, but she is not seeing the irony of that. The apple rarely falls too far from the tree, but often that isn't seen until pointed out by others.

pickledonionspaceraider

happyandcontented said:

pickledonionspaceraider said:

This kicking fireflyaway is getting absurd.
You are all repeatedly calling someone judgemental, whilst making assumptions and judgements about their life.  Just saying the same thing in every post now.

Yes something was said that many didn't agree with, including me - but a character assassination is not necessary...just moving on to old posts and topics that can be pulled apart and judged....not even relevant to what was said here or why.

I think the point is that the OP is posting about her mother being judgemental whilst clearly displaying the same traits, but she is not seeing the irony of that. The apple rarely falls too far from the tree, but often that isn't seen until pointed out by others.

I see the point you were making@happyandcontented - I think you were actually making a on-topic point,  succinctly and without negativity.

Same cannot be said for some other posts, digging into background to get some off-topic 'dirt' and repeating it over and over.  That right there, is a bit grim.

Primrose

Going somewhat off topic, many years ago I had a lapsed Catholic friend whose mother had a key to her house for whatever reason in the early days of her marriage. One day her mother visited while she was at work, obviously on the prowl,  found her contraceptive pills under her pillow and then had the nerve to lecture her daughter on "breaking the faith".  Husband went berserk, demanded the key back and told her never to visit again without a prior invitation. Sometimes when important  boundaries  are crossed It's important to flag up the issue straight away but obviously there and good and bad ways of doing it.

Fireflyaway

Oh my goodness this is getting a bit silly. I came here for opinions which I received and for which I'm grateful. I don't agree with everything that's been said, just as others don't agree with me. That's ok. That's the idea of a forum, to hear things from a different perspective. For the record, someone questioned why I'm posting lots of private things if I claim to be a private person. I consider myself to be a private person because in every day life I don't discuss personal issues with family or colleagues. I do it here because it's nice to get problems off my chest and to learn from other people who may have more experience / different ideas. If I walked by you in the street you wouldn't know. Whatever I share with you won't harm our relationship because we don't actually know each other.  It's a safe space (sort of questioning that now!). 
If you like to spend your time bringing up my old posts and arguing amongst yourselves about my situation that's your choice. I personally don't find it helpful, interesting or a good use of my time so I will be leaving this thread. Thank you to everyone who took the time to post. Even those of you who think I'm rude, judgemental and potter about in a low paid job! It's been interesting. I do mean that genuinely. I know sometimes I come across sarcastic but this is genuine. It's an interesting insight into the way other people think. 

suki1964

The trouble with mothers is they gave birth to you and reared you and they never accept you are a grown up and are  perfectly capable of running your own life, and that of your family without their intervention

Never forget when mum was in hospital and dad (step) was still alive. Well he was disabled himself and he and mums car was a Berlingo which he could get in and out off. Mine was a corsa, Mr S has an ST. So the only way dad could get to visit if one of us drove the berlingo. He just would not accept that our insurance covered us to drive it. He would not be told because he knew best. I even rang the local police and asked them to explain ( btw he was retired copper ) and still he would not accept it and come the end he paid to have us both put on the insurance

He knew best

He was the adult

We were the children who knew !!!!!! all

We were in our late 40's

Oh and mum still takes my washing off the line and rehangs it cos apparently I don't know how to