Mum commenting on my house

Fireflyaway

I think I do need to be more assertive but I'm convinced even if the house were to her liking, she would find something else to criticise. I don't think she sees me as a capable adult, nor can she understand that I could possibly be happy living the way I do. She is very set in her ways of thinking. Virtually everything I say is followed by a criticism. I may say that we had a meal out at the weekend. She will tell me we eat out too much and it's silly because there is nothing to show for it. I told her my husband is going to visit his mum for a few weeks. She proceeds to tut and say he is wasting money on rent if he isn't living in the house. I've been told I buy too many clothes for my child, I shouldn't send my child to private school because they will be made fun of for not being rich, my child has a tummy and will be made fun of, I don't walk my dog for long enough..... On a shopping trip mum told me I looked pregnant when I tried a dress on. Then she said I'm so different from x's daughter because she is slim and cares about her appearance. Honestly I could go on and on! I am slowly starting to realize I shouldn't feel bad. I'm never going to please her and should just concentrate on making myself happy. 

Savvy_Sue

Fireflyaway said:

I think I do need to be more assertive but I'm convinced even if the house were to her liking, she would find something else to criticise. I don't think she sees me as a capable adult, nor can she understand that I could possibly be happy living the way I do. She is very set in her ways of thinking. Virtually everything I say is followed by a criticism. I may say that we had a meal out at the weekend. She will tell me we eat out too much and it's silly because there is nothing to show for it. I told her my husband is going to visit his mum for a few weeks. She proceeds to tut and say he is wasting money on rent if he isn't living in the house. I've been told I buy too many clothes for my child, I shouldn't send my child to private school because they will be made fun of for not being rich, my child has a tummy and will be made fun of, I don't walk my dog for long enough..... On a shopping trip mum told me I looked pregnant when I tried a dress on. Then she said I'm so different from x's daughter because she is slim and cares about her appearance. Honestly I could go on and on! I am slowly starting to realize I shouldn't feel bad. I'm never going to please her and should just concentrate on making myself happy. 

the other useful technique is the cracked record, which you will need to adopt. 

Thus: "I am not going to discuss how often we eat out with you: if you do not wish to join me in future, that's fine." Repeat ad nauseam. 

"I am not going to discuss DH's living arrangements with you, or who he visits." Repeat ad nauseam.

"I am not going to discuss how I treat DD / the dog." Rapidly followed by "If you cannot say anything nice about DD / me / DH, please do not say anything." Repeat ad nauseam. 

and yes, leave / hang up / ask her to leave. 

I might also lose it, and ask her why she doesn't 'adopt' x's daughter if you're such a disappointment to her, and whose fault it is that you are the way you are and not like x's daughter, after putting up with her rudeness for all these years ... 

Pollycat

Fireflyaway said:

I think I do need to be more assertive but I'm convinced even if the house were to her liking, she would find something else to criticise. I don't think she sees me as a capable adult, nor can she understand that I could possibly be happy living the way I do. She is very set in her ways of thinking. Virtually everything I say is followed by a criticism. I may say that we had a meal out at the weekend. She will tell me we eat out too much and it's silly because there is nothing to show for it. I told her my husband is going to visit his mum for a few weeks. She proceeds to tut and say he is wasting money on rent if he isn't living in the house. I've been told I buy too many clothes for my child, I shouldn't send my child to private school because they will be made fun of for not being rich, my child has a tummy and will be made fun of, I don't walk my dog for long enough..... On a shopping trip mum told me I looked pregnant when I tried a dress on. Then she said I'm so different from x's daughter because she is slim and cares about her appearance. Honestly I could go on and on! I am slowly starting to realize I shouldn't feel bad. I'm never going to please her and should just concentrate on making myself happy. 

OP
You do realise that if you don't put a stop to this, you'll be posting the same thing in 3 or 4 months time...?

sweetsand

Pollycat said:

Fireflyaway said:

I think I do need to be more assertive but I'm convinced even if the house were to her liking, she would find something else to criticise. I don't think she sees me as a capable adult, nor can she understand that I could possibly be happy living the way I do. She is very set in her ways of thinking. Virtually everything I say is followed by a criticism. I may say that we had a meal out at the weekend. She will tell me we eat out too much and it's silly because there is nothing to show for it. I told her my husband is going to visit his mum for a few weeks. She proceeds to tut and say he is wasting money on rent if he isn't living in the house. I've been told I buy too many clothes for my child, I shouldn't send my child to private school because they will be made fun of for not being rich, my child has a tummy and will be made fun of, I don't walk my dog for long enough..... On a shopping trip mum told me I looked pregnant when I tried a dress on. Then she said I'm so different from x's daughter because she is slim and cares about her appearance. Honestly I could go on and on! I am slowly starting to realize I shouldn't feel bad. I'm never going to please her and should just concentrate on making myself happy. 

OP
You do realise that if you don't put a stop to this, you'll be posting the same thing in 3 or 4 months time...?

That IMHO is a baseless opinion. The OP has asked a question that afflicts many people and just as many are
too worried to say something. However, one needs to think about the impact their actions will have and decide if it is worth it.
Chins up OP, in the one ear out of the other as I said earlier and keep hold of what on the odd occasion may be sound advice.

x

KxMx

I've had my own battles with my Mum, she is very nosy and fails to see the difference between need to know and want to know. She can also be a very dominating, controlling personality and is a master at wrinkling out information that she wants to know. 

I feel my Nan was maybe the same with her. When I, at age 20, absolutely went off about her questioning the state and status of my menstrual cycle every single month (I used to dread not only the periods but as I saw it by then the inquisition) I was told she thought that was what she was supposed to do. She did stop after that. 

My Aunt is even worse, she went round her son's house when he was in his 30s and told him off for having crumbs in the microwave! Our Nan told me and didn't see anything wrong about it beyond the crumbs!

We have had many battles. Some things I would just ignore, like age 19 when we moved and I was told not to use the lock on my bedroom door, apparently for safety reasons. 

When I started pushing back and refusing to respond to the quizzing (as I saw it) there were definitely hurt feelings and sulking her side. But I ignored her reactions and we do have a better relationship now. 

I think the last major issue was when she told me very gracefully on my 30th, that as I was 30 she was going to take a step back... A few days later I relayed this in a jokey tone in front of her to other family saying it should have happened at least a decade ago... She got the message. 

Recently I've found muting notifications on her messages really helpful around a different issue. I open the app and read them when *I* am ready to read them. 

I am a very private person who just wants a quiet life, this is probably my personality anyway but exacerbated by the way I was raised. I am also very nosy but I've always known when to hold my tongue. 

I'm very glad you recognise the issues are with her and not you, it can be somewhat liberating! 

elsien

Fireflyaway said:

I think I do need to be more assertive but I'm convinced even if the house were to her liking, she would find something else to criticise. I don't think she sees me as a capable adult, nor can she understand that I could possibly be happy living the way I do. She is very set in her ways of thinking. Virtually everything I say is followed by a criticism. I may say that we had a meal out at the weekend. She will tell me we eat out too much and it's silly because there is nothing to show for it. I told her my husband is going to visit his mum for a few weeks. She proceeds to tut and say he is wasting money on rent if he isn't living in the house. I've been told I buy too many clothes for my child, I shouldn't send my child to private school because they will be made fun of for not being rich, my child has a tummy and will be made fun of, I don't walk my dog for long enough..... On a shopping trip mum told me I looked pregnant when I tried a dress on. Then she said I'm so different from x's daughter because she is slim and cares about her appearance. Honestly I could go on and on! I am slowly starting to realize I shouldn't feel bad. I'm never going to please her and should just concentrate on making myself happy. 

I have been known to point out to my parent that she's not said one positive thing in half an hour of conversation and tell her if she can't say anything nice I don't want to hear it. Also have asked if she's finished her drink because she's outstayed her visit.  You may or may not need to be that blunt but sometimes it's all that makes people listen.
You can't do in one ear and out the other as suggested by the previous poster when it's a constant barrage of criticism.
Do you get anything that's positive from the relationship at all? If so, maybe that's the tack your need to take. 
FWIW my house can be a tip.  If there are comments I just say I've got far better things to do with my life than cleaning. Your mother can whinge to her friends all she likes.  They're not your friends and their opinion is irrelevant. 

onwards&upwards

OP I have to ask why you spend so much time with someone who makes you feel bad?  

The fact that she’s your mother is not a pressing reason! 

Pollycat

sweetsand said:

Pollycat said:

OP
You do realise that if you don't put a stop to this, you'll be posting the same thing in 3 or 4 months time...?

That IMHO is a baseless opinion. The OP has asked a question that afflicts many people and just as many are
too worried to say something. However, one needs to think about the impact their actions will have and decide if it is worth it.
Chins up OP, in the one ear out of the other as I said earlier and keep hold of what on the odd occasion may be sound advice.

x

Maybe in your opinion it is a baseless opinion.

But it is true.

You only need to read back through some of the OP's other threads.

In my earlier post, I copied advice from me and and another poster from a thread earlier in the year.

The OP is back with the same issue.

Therefore, if she doesn't do anything about it, she will be posting the same thing in 3 or 4 months.

It's entirely up to the OP whether she does something about her Mum's behaviour or not.

74jax

sweetsand said:

Pollycat said:

Fireflyaway said:

I think I do need to be more assertive but I'm convinced even if the house were to her liking, she would find something else to criticise. I don't think she sees me as a capable adult, nor can she understand that I could possibly be happy living the way I do. She is very set in her ways of thinking. Virtually everything I say is followed by a criticism. I may say that we had a meal out at the weekend. She will tell me we eat out too much and it's silly because there is nothing to show for it. I told her my husband is going to visit his mum for a few weeks. She proceeds to tut and say he is wasting money on rent if he isn't living in the house. I've been told I buy too many clothes for my child, I shouldn't send my child to private school because they will be made fun of for not being rich, my child has a tummy and will be made fun of, I don't walk my dog for long enough..... On a shopping trip mum told me I looked pregnant when I tried a dress on. Then she said I'm so different from x's daughter because she is slim and cares about her appearance. Honestly I could go on and on! I am slowly starting to realize I shouldn't feel bad. I'm never going to please her and should just concentrate on making myself happy. 

OP
You do realise that if you don't put a stop to this, you'll be posting the same thing in 3 or 4 months time...?

That IMHO is a baseless opinion. The OP has asked a question that afflicts many people and just as many are
too worried to say something. However, one needs to think about the impact their actions will have and decide if it is worth it.
Chins up OP, in the one ear out of the other as I said earlier and keep hold of what on the odd occasion may be sound advice.

x

The OP posts like this very often. Same scenario.
I completely agree, unless it's addressed then op will post again.
Saying if it's not addressed then she'll post again in 4 month is a really good way of saying 'address it, or don't, it's up to you but it won't change if you don't'.
The OP is very open, it wasn't criticism at all. But a fact. We will still be here to help and off load too. And will still be here in 4 months if needs be.
Read previous posts it's gone on for many, many (many) years.

Pollycat

74jax said:

The OP posts like this very often. Same scenario.
I completely agree, unless it's addressed then op will post again.
Saying if it's not addressed then she'll post again in 4 month is a really good way of saying 'address it, or don't, it's up to you but it won't change if you don't'.
The OP is very open, it wasn't criticism at all. But a fact. We will still be here to help and off load too. And will still be here in 4 months if needs be.
Read previous posts it's gone on for many, many (many) years.

Thank you for for realising what my post was about.

It certainly wasn't criticism of the OP.

I believe I was supportive on her previous thread.

She has been/is being treated pretty badly by the people she should be able to rely on.

But it won't change until she changes it.