Mother-in-law and money

chubster

barbiedoll said:

MIL is a wily old bat if you ask me. Even allowing for her 20k contribution to your house purchase, she’s still had it good for the last 10 years, averaging around £60 a week for bed, board, chef and waitress service AND free taxi rides everywhere. You and your wife have been taken for a right pair of mugs. The promise of £80k when she dies is all very well, but she could outlive the pair of you at this rate. 

I can’t understand why posters on here are saying that she won’t be costing you anything extra. You live in a larger house than you need where you no doubt have the heating on all day for her in the winter. If you’re on a water meter, she will be using it whenever she likes. TV on all day? I bet it is. Not to mention the food she’s eating. I can’t believe that your wife would let you get a second job, just to support her tightwad mother. Personally, I’d be pulling her up on it now, if you have to tighten your belt, then so will she. Turn the heating down, start using the cut-price own brands, cancel the telly channels, and show her that the good times are over, unless she starts to cough up. And if she needs a lift anywhere, tell her there’s no petrol in the tank, and she’ll have to get a cab. She’s had a good run at your expense, but we all have to pay our way, it’s about time that she started doing so! 

I LOL when I read your post, yes the TV is on ALL day and she insists on running a deep bath every day as she doesn't like showers. She also doesn't like cheap teabags, being cold and a whole host of other things! The car went for service and MOT the other day and I made sure that I went through the bill with my wife in front of MIL, she didn't bat an eyelid.

chubster

bouicca21 said:

If MiL doesn’t spend a lot, does she actually understand how much stuff costs nowadays? Is she stuck in an earlier cost of living bubble?  Would it help to take her supermarket shopping so she can see how much you spend?

Before the Covid thing she did go to the supermarket every week with my wife and often commented on how expensive things were so she is aware of costs. I think part of the issue is that she has very little contact with the outside world and thinks that this way of living is normal and what everyone does.

chubster

Primrose said:

I,d ask a local estate agents come in value the property. When MIL is asked to"tidy up her room tell her it because you're thinking of selling  up and downsizing because your reduced income means you can no longer go on living here the  penny may start to drop.  .  Also start talking to your m.i.l about the sort of property she envisages herself living in going forward because if she and her daughter are refusing to be realistic about household income going forward, yiu won't be all be able to live there going forward. 

Then put on your big boys knickers and start asserting yourself.  If your wife and your m.i.l. Continue ganging up against you you need to start reasserting some authority if they,ve been largely living off your income in the past.   And part of this may mean you need to sit down quietly but firmly with your m.i.l and show her how many beans make five, 

LOL I love this reply and only wish I could do this, I like your style but unfortunately this approach just won't work. My big boy pants are in the wash at the moment!

Mojisola

chubster said:

My mother-in-law (MIL) has lived with us for some years now,

wife and I have been in reasonably well paid jobs but my wife has now retired.

I have just found out that my hours at work are being reduced so my pay will be less than half what it has been.

My wife says we shouldn't be insisting MIL contributes more as she will inherit MIL's money but that doesn't help in the short term.

I think you need to get your wife on board and then you can tackle MIL with a united front.

As others have suggested, do a statement of affairs including all the non-monthly spending.  Compare that to the new monthly income.

Work together on the problem - what can you cut out and how can you increase income - suggest wife looks at local part-time jobs.

Once the reality has hit home with your wife, then see how she feels about her mother increasing her contribution.

helensbiggestfan

What a fascinating thread.  I do feel for you.....you seem to have backed yourself to a blind alley.  You say your wife tiptoes round your MIL on eggshells - that is not good. MIL is ruling the roost and if you and your wife don't get on the same page here you run the risk of this situation impacting your marriage.  

Your are clearly concerned and rightly so, your finances are going to be under stress, a 50% drop in salary is a lot to swallow.  

I can only reiterate what others have advised.  You and your wife need to sit down (without MIL) and discuss things properly, work out a plan and then present MIL with a united front. At the moment it seems like a case of divide and rule with MIL having the upper hand.  

Re the Attendence Allowance,  don't be so sure she's not entitled.  If, as you say, MIL relies on you and your wife preparing her meals, cleaning, doing her laundry, Taking her shopping and to appts then in effect you are acting as unpaid carers.  Tbh, although it seems like she is just being mean and miserly, it does sound as if her mental capacity is somewhat diminished.  She doesn't sound as if she could cope on her own and she certainly doesn't seem to understand money issues.   

Please make sure you do claim for AA, it will go a long way to making up the shortfall.  When it is granted then either you or your wife will then be entitled to Carers Allowance.  If you think you need help with the forms then you can get help from either Age Concern or Adult Social Services.  

I'm went through all of this with my aged parents and saw my FIL fall into the same trap.   A lot of older people are like this.....sitting on tens of thousands in the bank, I dont think your MIL is necessarily a miser as such but like a lot of elderly people they get fixated on saving for their old age and fearful of running out of money.  Getting them to loosen the purse strings can be very difficult but you and your wife shouldn't live in penury to enable your MIL to live the life of Riley at your expense. You have your own old age to prepare for,  

Dont let your wife be swayed by the idea of an inheritance. Sorry to be blunt but It might never happen.  If MIL has to go into care it will vanish. 

PS. Just to confirm AA is not a means tested benefit.  

 

Pollycat

mobileron said:

Time u put her in a care home?

That will soon reduce the £80k that the OP's wife is banking on for her inheritance...

chubster

Retireinten said:

I've read this thread through and I'm a bit confused how much your MIL pays each week, it states £1k per annum (£19 a week) but there's also talk of £3k (£60 a week - is this the £20k divided by 10 years?) . I ask for clarity because I would say the higher figure is closer to the contribution you should be asking for.

Let's say the £20k she gifted offsets the fact you're in a bigger house with higher council tax and maintenance costs. Let's even assume this covers her 'rent' contribution too. So the £1k is her contribution to food and running costs. 

Doing an SOA with your wife to work out how you address the salary reduction is a really good idea. You  need to protect any retirement savings for yourself as a priority, you're part of a team and have every right to want to retire at some point, so this should not be sacrificed.  Then work out the options for adjusting your lifestyle from there. The options I see are:

- Downsize the lifestyle of all three of you. So spend significantly less on food, manage your heating bills, reduce your TV package, minimise journeys in the car, reduce personal spend and spend on entertainment and holidays. What are you all prepared to sacrifice to balance the household books? 

- MIL contributes a bit more,  but I do think £100 a week is on the high side. From the SOA you can work out the bills that can be reasonably split three ways... She should pay a third of the food, (including cleaning/household) bills (less any spends on things that are specifically yours such as alcohol) and a third of all utilities expect council tax in my view. Plus a sundry amount to cover her car journeys etc. 

- Wife gets herself a part time job to increase your household income. You getting a second job should come after this.. remember you're a team and the loss in income needs to be addressed by the two of you especially if she is reluctant to ask her mum for more of a contribution.  

- Seriously consider options for downsize. Is it feasible to downsize to a house the three of you could live in or would it have to be a separate house to your MIL?   Because I doubt the latter will wash with your wife after all these years (and I'd feel the same way). 

To be honest, I wouldn't use downsize as an option as such... this needs to be the action you will no choice but to take if the three of you can't reach a compromise between reduced lifestyle, increased contribution from MIL and increased earnings. 

Create the SOA, go through the details with your wife and work out what your next steps could be.  

I am going to work on an SOA and make it as accurate as possible. Hmm I wonder if suggesting to my wife about her doing a part-time job may be a useful strategy, she definitely would not agree to that! I can't see a scenario where we could downsize to a smaller house to be honest, MIL wants her own room and bathroom and the thought of us being squeezed into a small house well I think I'd rather live in a tent in the garden.

macman

OP will in  no way qualify for Carer's Allowance: they cannot be caring for MIL 35 hours plus per week, if they are working 20 hours or so, and on £16K, they are over the earnings limit of £128pw.

Mojisola

helensbiggestfan said:

Re the Attendence Allowance,  don't be so sure she's not entitled.  If, as you say, MIL relies on you and your wife preparing her meals, cleaning, doing her laundry, Taking her shopping and to appts then in effect you are acting as unpaid carers. 

Please make sure you do claim for AA, it will go a long way to making up the shortfall.  When it is granted then either you or your wife will then be entitled to Carers Allowance. 

If you think you need help with the forms then you can get help from either Age Concern or Adult Social Services.

Definitely get help filling in the forms because AA is restricted to personal care being needed although there are 'supervision' elements as well.

CA will be dependent on income.

chubster

helensbiggestfan said:

What a fascinating thread.  I do feel for you.....you seem to have backed yourself to a blind alley.  You say your wife tiptoes round your MIL on eggshells - that is not good. MIL is ruling the roost and if you and your wife don't get on the same page here you run the risk of this situation impacting your marriage.  

Your are clearly concerned and rightly so, your finances are going to be under stress, a 50% drop in salary is a lot to swallow.  

I can only reiterate what others have advised.  You and your wife need to sit down (without MIL) and discuss things properly, work out a plan and then present MIL with a united front. At the moment it seems like a case of divide and rule with MIL having the upper hand.  

Re the Attendence Allowance,  don't be so sure she's not entitled.  If, as you say, MIL relies on you and your wife preparing her meals, cleaning, doing her laundry, Taking her shopping and to appts then in effect you are acting as unpaid carers.  Tbh, although it seems like she is just being mean and miserly, it does sound as if her mental capacity is somewhat diminished.  She doesn't sound as if she could cope on her own and she certainly doesn't seem to understand money issues.   

Please make sure you do claim for AA, it will go a long way to making up the shortfall.  When it is granted then either you or your wife will then be entitled to Carers Allowance.  If you think you need help with the forms then you can get help from either Age Concern or Adult Social Services.  

I'm went through all of this with my aged parents and saw my FIL fall into the same trap.   A lot of older people are like this.....sitting on tens of thousands in the bank, I dont think your MIL is necessarily a miser as such but like a lot of elderly people they get fixated on saving for their old age and fearful of running out of money.  Getting them to loosen the purse strings can be very difficult but you and your wife shouldn't live in penury to enable your MIL to live the life of Riley at your expense. You have your own old age to prepare for,  

Dont let your wife be swayed by the idea of an inheritance. Sorry to be blunt but It might never happen.  If MIL has to go into care it will vanish. 

PS. Just to confirm AA is not a means tested benefit.  

 

Yes, a lot of it could have been avoided with a clear agreement at the beginning of the arrangement, MIL did say when she first moved in that she would 'pay her way' but I think she has just lost sight of the fact that the cost of living has increased (and her wealth). I will definitely investigate AA but I don't think she would qualify. It is ironic that I find it easier to discuss this matter with total strangers than my own family and that is a large part of the problem.