Mother-in-law and money

warby68

Time for a very deep think about what you want and what you can live with OP.
If unresolved this is going to fester.
Has your wife offered any suggestions finance wise or just refused to engage altogether?

Emmia

seven-day-weekend said:

chubster said:

missile said:

I would show her the door

Not an option, my wife would choose MIL over me I think if I gave that ultimatum.

How very sad.  It seems you are just the Provider.

I think there is a real risk that the OP might end up divorced from his wife if he really pushes it - I'm not sure if that is a possible outcome he's thought through? 

pebbles88

chubster said:

GreenQueen said:

Does MIL get attendance allowance? My 80 year old DM does, the forms were a bit lengthy, but not difficult and I think for someone over 80 the lower level (£50ish a week) is granted fairly automatically. That money is for supporting their living - cleaning, care, etc. May be worth looking into.

No, she doesn't have any healthcare issues at all so would not qualify for anything.

Op is correct. It’s  not for supporting their living in general, it’s only if there are health problems. It’s Similar disability living allowance - just for over 65’s. It’s not granted automatically for over 80’s. 

Archergirl

Just read through this thread and I so feel for you.
You need to decide how far you are willing to push this, you either put up and shut up or do something about it. I'm for the second option. The house is for the comfort of all of you so bills etc need to be split 3 ways. Food can be cut down, you won't starve just get cheap brands, if MIL isn't keen on them she can get her own more expensive ones, does she need to bathe every day in a deep bath of water?
This will be hard but you have effectively been taken advantage of, your big boy pants should be dry by now so maybe see if they fit.
Is there a will, does your wife even know if she is in it? Have a think what you want to be doing in a few years time, is it still keeping these 2 ungrateful women? If not make the move now.....I know this isn't the way that you envisioned the post going when you asked the question but you wife should be with you on this one, good luck xx

chubster

Archergirl said:

Just read through this thread and I so feel for you.
You need to decide how far you are willing to push this, you either put up and shut up or do something about it. I'm for the second option. The house is for the comfort of all of you so bills etc need to be split 3 ways. Food can be cut down, you won't starve just get cheap brands, if MIL isn't keen on them she can get her own more expensive ones, does she need to bathe every day in a deep bath of water?
This will be hard but you have effectively been taken advantage of, your big boy pants should be dry by now so maybe see if they fit.
Is there a will, does your wife even know if she is in it? Have a think what you want to be doing in a few years time, is it still keeping these 2 ungrateful women? If not make the move now.....I know this isn't the way that you envisioned the post going when you asked the question but you wife should be with you on this one, good luck xx

Thank you for your suggestions. I did a SOA and discussed it with my wife, I also explained how stressful I was finding this whole affair and that I was very worried about money. My wife isn't in total agreement with me, she says that we can cut back 'a bit' but she agrees that MIL should be paying something each month, we didn't agree on a figure but it is a positive change that my wife agrees with me on this. Next step is to speak to MIL about this, my wife says that she wants to do it and will do it 'when the time is right' that is when MIL is in a good mood (not often). I do feel a lot better about things now as I think that my wife is beginning to see that our financial situation has changed and so we need to look at our spending and income. 

Pollycat

chubster said:

Thank you for your suggestions. I did a SOA and discussed it with my wife, I also explained how stressful I was finding this whole affair and that I was very worried about money. My wife isn't in total agreement with me, she says that we can cut back 'a bit' but she agrees that MIL should be paying something each month, we didn't agree on a figure but it is a positive change that my wife agrees with me on this. Next step is to speak to MIL about this, my wife says that she wants to do it and will do it 'when the time is right' that is when MIL is in a good mood (not often). I do feel a lot better about things now as I think that my wife is beginning to see that our financial situation has changed and so we need to look at our spending and income. 

Possibly a little chink of light at the end of the tunnel.

Did you consider posting the SOA on the DFW board for comments? You don't need to be in debt to get great advice.

-taff

I'm not sure she should wait till she's in a good mood because that's treating her a bit like a princess. She's an adult, your MIL is an ault, if the MIL doesn't want to ay extra anyway, she's going to be in a bad mood when your wife has finished talking to her anyway. Just talk to her. Putting it off isn't going to make a difference. She'll either agree or not.

maman

Thanks for getting back to us chubster. 

It's a start but you mustn't let your wife kick the can down the road. I'd leave it a week or so and then see what happens. To be honest, this isn't just about your MIL. Your wife must realise that finances have shrunk and everyone needs to address the issue not just you. You've shared your concerns which is great but you also need to share practical solutions.

Savvy_Sue

I think if it were me, I'd offer to do the talking if it hasn't happened within a week or two, on the grounds that "then your mother can blame me / be mad at me, instead of at you." However, that would definitely be on the understanding that your wife was prepared to back you up when Mum starts down that road: "Yes mum, I know it is a shock, but I have looked at the figures with DH and he is right, we cannot carry on as we are now our income has shrunk so much, and there are no easy options. If you'd prefer to move out then that is of course your right and that will mean we can downsize and reduce our bills." 

But then, MY mother didn't speak to DH at all if she could avoid doing so, and was always in a bad mood if someone told her something she didn't want to hear (the root of her dislike of DH ...)