Mother-in-law and money

JIL

The norm for your mil hasn't changed in all the time she has lived with you.
I know its changed for you and your wife recently. However from mils perspective nothing has changed for her. 
As you say the conversation should have happened years ago. 
You need to decide what to do, have that conversation or suck it up and make some cut backs.
If you truly believe your wife would choose your mil over you, then the issues really are much more deeply rooted.

Mojisola

And if you do manage to sit down and have a discussion, make it the first of regular ones - every six/twelve months and whenever there are major changes to the household finances. 

pollypenny

This is a nightmare situation. I think you and your wife should be sitting down and doing your budget together every month.  

suki1964

I think this OP's problem isn't so much money, but relationship

The relationship between himself and wife, him and his MIL and his wife relationship with the pair of them

The money situation has just brought it all too the fore

barbiedoll

suki1964 said:

I think this OP's problem isn't so much money, but relationship

The relationship between himself and wife, him and his MIL and his wife relationship with the pair of them

The money situation has just brought it all too the fore

I think this is definitely true. I’m sure that OP’s wife loves him, but I know that whenever I visit my mum, I do have a tendency to revert back into “child” mode. I do my mum’s shopping, pick up her prescriptions, take her to appointments, sort out her bills, and so on. But when I’m just popping in for tea and a chat, I’m quite happy to sit there and let her make my tea, sandwiches and cake, and I’ll only feel slightly guilty as she waits on me hand and foot! I’ll moan about my husband, even while I’m aware that I sound like a stroppy teenager. I wouldn’t dream of taking anything out of a drawer without asking first, I take my shoes off when I go in, I lock the bathroom door, I only take two biscuits when offered....all things that never happen in my own home. I get on really well with my siblings,  but if we’re all together at my mum’s, we will start squabbling like little kids again, it’s like walking through a time warp, even our partners comment on it. 

I think OP’s wife is stuck in “child” mode. She feels like she’s living at her mother’s house, rather than living with her in her own home. (Probably not helped by having mother’s money to help to buy the place) It explains the reluctance to “rock the boat” and why she can’t try to have a grown-up discussion with her about finances. She may be slightly ashamed that it’s come to this, especially if her mother has been critical of her life choices in the past. For most of us, living at home with your parent(s), means abiding by their rules, and putting up with their choices. When we move out, our lifestyles change and grow as we do. My mum was a single parent, so she is possibly more enlightened, but my best friend’s mum was horrified when she found out that we take separate holidays from our spouses, that we have our own bank accounts, and that we work full-time to help pay the bills (“can’t your husband manage to keep you?”). She thinks that we should spend our weekends doing housework, and can’t understand that a messy house is the price you pay for having better things to do with your time. 

OP’s wife is living by her mother’s rules, albeit in her own home. It’s tricky, trying to establish a business relationship with someone you love, but running two households on one, much reduced wage, need to be viewed as such. As someone mentioned, the State Pension is decreed to be the amount that an older person needs, to live on. It’s for paying the bills now, not for stashing away for “inheritance” purposes. To be honest, I’m surprised she only has £80,000 left, where’s the rest of the cash from her house sale? 

Grumpy_chap

barbiedoll said:
To be honest, I’m surprised she only has £80,000 left, where’s the rest of the cash from her house sale? 

MIL's house sold 10 years ago.  £20k into the OP new house plus £80k remaining.  Quite possible that the house value sold was only ever £100k.

Your comment about Mum making tea and cake is probably common and helpful for your Mum feeling valued, needed and appreciated.  If the younger generation just everything for the seniors, then there can be a risk of faster degeneration.

greatcrested

Register with a few local estate agents for smaller properties. Make a couple of appoint ments for viewings, take your wife along, and ask MIL if she'd like to come too.

MaterialGirl*

greatcrested said:

Register with a few local estate agents for smaller properties. Make a couple of appoint ments for viewings, take your wife along, and ask MIL if she'd like to come too.

I don’t think there’s any need for that. The MIL is an elderly lady and there’s no need to put this kind of pressure on her.  
As others have said she may be scared about running out of money, it is not uncommon in the older generation.

Just talk to her on your own if your wife doesn’t want to discuss it with her. She may be happy to help if you just explain the financial situation.

She lives with you and I’m sure loves her daughter and wouldn’t want to see you both struggle if she can help.

Pollycat

MaterialGirl* said:

I don’t think there’s any need for that. The MIL is an elderly lady and there’s no need to put this kind of pressure on her.  
As others have said she may be scared about running out of money, it is not uncommon in the older generation.

Just talk to her on your own if your wife doesn’t want to discuss it with her. She may be happy to help if you just explain the financial situation.

She lives with you and I’m sure loves her daughter and wouldn’t want to see you both struggle if she can help.

But it's OK for the OP to shoulder the pressure of working 2 jobs...?

As for the OP talking to his MIL, did you miss this in the original post?:

chubster said:

MIL gives use £1,000 a year as her 'board and lodgings', this was fine when my wife and I were both working but with our reduced income I have asked MIL to contribute more. MIL refuses to contribute more than £1,000 a year as she feels we should be able to manage to pay bills etc. 

As for explaining the financial situation:

chubster said:

I have always felt that MIL could and should contribute more but as we were OK financially my wife didn't want to push the issue. I am very organised with bills etc but MIL refuses to look at the information her response being that her £1,000 a year 'pays her way'.

you can't explain anything to someone who refuses to listen.

I think there's every need for the MIL to have a short, sharp lesson in money and let her ponder the alternative to contributing more to the household.

And ditto for the OP's wife.

74jax

MaterialGirl* said:

greatcrested said:

Register with a few local estate agents for smaller properties. Make a couple of appoint ments for viewings, take your wife along, and ask MIL if she'd like to come too.

I don’t think there’s any need for that. The MIL is an elderly lady and there’s no need to put this kind of pressure on her.  
As others have said she may be scared about running out of money, it is not uncommon in the older generation.

Just talk to her on your own if your wife doesn’t want to discuss it with her. She may be happy to help if you just explain the financial situation.

She lives with you and I’m sure loves her daughter and wouldn’t want to see you both struggle if she can help.

The OP has tried? You are giving a scenario where mil is understanding and wanting to help. She doesn't. She doesn't want to contribute more, be independent and take a bus/taxi, go shopping etc.
And ops wife is siding with mil. To the point the op feels he needs and job.
Your post would be fine in most situations, not this one.