Mother-in-law and money

GaleSF63

Sensible suggestions Emmia, but they aren't being sensible!

Is a a blue badge £10 in England? It's £20 here! (Scotland)
t

Emmia

GaleSF63 said:

Sensible suggestions Emmia, but they aren't being sensible!

Is a a blue badge £10 in England? It's £20 here! (Scotland)
t

And it is free of charge in Wales!

chubster

74jax said:

It's been just over a week since op 1st posted. Have you discussed anything with your wife? 

I have tried to but again was met with the response that "we'll manage", I said to my wife that I am going to do a detailed SOA to see where we are now and to plan for the future. When I have time to do the SOA I will discuss it with her, going to take a while to go through all bills etc and work it out accurately.

chubster

maman said:

It occurred to me that maybe they're trying to run two cars🤔. That's a potential area for saving. When we retired we went down to 1 car. We have excellent bus routes locally so never take the car (in 'normal' times) when the bus is sufficient. It saves massively on fuel but also on parking charges. 

Yes we have two (not flashy) cars, we tried just having one but we live in a rural area that is very poorly served by public transport and my wife found it too restrictive. 

chubster

The real issue though, is your wife and MIL having no real understanding of the problems you’re ALL going to face when trying to pay for the upkeep of a large house, on a much reduced wage. When my husband suddenly lost his job, we had credit cards, loans and overdrafts that we couldn’t pay. I know your situation is slightly different, but the problem is the same....less money coming in, but more going out. With the help of this forum, I brought my husband into the MSE way of thinking, and by drastically cutting our outgoings, and by using debt management help, we’re here to tell the tale. But it meant serious changes to our lifestyle. No more Saturday shopping sprees, no more impulse buys. £20 limit on Christmas and birthday gifts (we didn’t buy each other gifts for a few years), no more takeaways. No new clothes, no new make-up. No holidays, no expensive days out. Heating off during the day, no Sky tv channels. No daily newspaper, no new books, no CD’s, no movie nights at the cinema. (In reality, we did manage to do some of these things, with theme park vouchers, 2 for 1 cinema tickets, etc, etc). But is this penny-pinching lifestyle what your wife envisaged when she retired? Does she want to sit at home, keeping her mother company all day, because she can’t afford to go out for lunch at the local tearoom? You need to make it clear that it WILL be like this, the bills still have to be paid, and what’s left (i.e. very little) will have to suffice for everything else. 

You should all sit down for a serious talk...you, armed with an accurate and up-to-date SOA. Remember to include everything, including those expensive teabags, the latest water bill, the energy costs, and the food bill (get your wife to keep the receipts so that you can show how expensive MIL’s individual items are) Highlight any waste, e.g. food not being eaten, long, hot baths every day (how dirty does she get by sitting around indoors? Why can’t she just have a wash at her sink every other day, for instance?) Also, things like bedding, towels, kitchen utensils: who pays for these when you need replacements? (I bet I can guess!!)

You need to make them both see that this isn’t going to go away, and that while the economy is in freefall, a second job for you is not a realistic prospect. You’re all going to have to make changes, so it looks like it’s your job to break the bad news to them. Good luck! 

Yes I think when I have done the SOA then we need to have a talk. My wife isn't daft with money but she is not the sort of person who checks prices when supermarket shopping but I do! I am also the one who sorts bills and shops round for insurance deals etc because I like to save money and I think this may be part of the problem too. It is very hard I think to change lifestyle but it is going to be necessary to make some cutbacks. Yes you are also right that items need replacing and mending and we need to budget for these essentials too.

Teapot55

…going to take a while to go through all bills etc and work it out accurately.

Just list a year’s worth of 
~ cash withdrawals 
~ debit card payments 
~ standing order/direct debit payments
~cheque payments  

Compare the total expenditure with whatever came into the bank account(s) for the same period. (Don’t include transfers in from your savings account etc or premium bond wins). Then compare with your new lower income.  

(If you do internet banking you could download a year’s worth of statements as a ‘csv’ file that opens as a Microsoft Excel spreadsheet?)

theoretica

One potential point of discussion which has not been mentioned is the state pension amount wasn't plucked out of thin air - it is for pensioners to live on.  So the powers that be think her living costs likely to be considerably above £1k a year.

Mojisola

Even the government realises that the SP isn't enough to live and so anyone on less than £173.75 can claim pension credit - a far cry from MIL's paltry contribution to the household expenditure.

maman

I appreciate it's more difficult to manage with one car in a rural area but your circumstances have changed. Your wife is now retired and you'll be working fewer hours so you should be able to work around each other more easily.
When you do the SoA, number of cars, insurance, tax etc will be some of the expenses listed which highlight areas for potential savings. It's worth considering even if for leverage to demonstrate to your wife the 'sacrifices' that will need to be made going forward to keep MIL in the manner to which she's become accustomed and your wife wants to protect. ☹️

warby68

Why is your wife so against tackling this?
Is she scared of her mother? As MIL lives in your home, it does seem you should hold rather more cards than you seem to.
I wouldn't go so far as itemising what mum's baths cost or her particular tea but the overall household running costs set against the various contributions needs to be required reading for both wife and MIL. Truthfully though, I think both of them probably understand the numbers pretty well but are sticking to their positions for reasons not yet 100% clear.
Its beginning to feel more like YOU are the third party here, not MIL.
I wish you luck OP, I think you're going to need it.