Mother-in-law and money

chubster

warby68 said:

I'm getting a picture of mum & daughter going for coffee and hair appointments and generally being ladies of leisure while OP funds most of it. Perhaps that's what mum wants the money for, lots of nice treats now her daughter is back 100% available. OP needs to just keep earning and stay out of their nice little life.

The only other thing I've thought of while the thread has been running is how did MIL engage with finances when married - has she been 'looked after' all her life?  Has her own money been her own while her father, husband and now S-I-L have been providers - not uncommon for older people. It could be why she sees £1000 as paying her way, because she really thinks she shouldn't pay at all and is comparing it to NIL contribution during the rest of her life rather than to the costs of running a house. Has OP been letting them down by not providing this lifestyle?

If both simply refuse to engage which seems to be the case, it might be time to show them the thread (and run for cover).

Whatever life experience you've had, living it at someone else's expense is not fair.

The issue of MIL past finances is something that isn't discussed but I think earlier in her life she was short of money and hence she feels the need to 'save'. I have been thinking about this a lot and it has been interesting reading some of the ideas and opinions that have been shared on this thread. There is definitely a power issue between MIL and my wife but my wife will not admit this she avoids confronting MIL on even the smallest issues so as not to upset her. I never knew her husband but MIL lived on her own for some years so she is aware of bills expense of running a house though of course she is not aware of current prices.

74jax

chubster said:

warby68 said:

I'm getting a picture of mum & daughter going for coffee and hair appointments and generally being ladies of leisure while OP funds most of it. Perhaps that's what mum wants the money for, lots of nice treats now her daughter is back 100% available. OP needs to just keep earning and stay out of their nice little life.

The only other thing I've thought of while the thread has been running is how did MIL engage with finances when married - has she been 'looked after' all her life?  Has her own money been her own while her father, husband and now S-I-L have been providers - not uncommon for older people. It could be why she sees £1000 as paying her way, because she really thinks she shouldn't pay at all and is comparing it to NIL contribution during the rest of her life rather than to the costs of running a house. Has OP been letting them down by not providing this lifestyle?

If both simply refuse to engage which seems to be the case, it might be time to show them the thread (and run for cover).

Whatever life experience you've had, living it at someone else's expense is not fair.

The issue of MIL past finances is something that isn't discussed but I think earlier in her life she was short of money and hence she feels the need to 'save'. I have been thinking about this a lot and it has been interesting reading some of the ideas and opinions that have been shared on this thread. There is definitely a power issue between MIL and my wife but my wife will not admit this she avoids confronting MIL on even the smallest issues so as not to upset her. I never knew her husband but MIL lived on her own for some years so she is aware of bills expense of running a house though of course she is not aware of current prices.

Have you set any timeframes due to your new situation?  Or waiting to see how it will pan out. 

DayDreamerandGeneralWaster

Chubster, try to assert yourself more in this. Family dynamics are delicate and explosive but you have as much right to say something to MIL as your wife is exercising her right to stick her head in the sand. Even more so, you are the one keeping the tood over their heads. Ss it is now if nothing changes you will be scrimping and scraping for  the rest of your life.

Personally l would have left them to it long before now. 

chubster

DayDreamerandGeneralWaster said:

Chubster, try to assert yourself more in this. Family dynamics are delicate and explosive but you have as much right to say something to MIL as your wife is exercising her right to stick her head in the sand. Even more so, you are the one keeping the tood over their heads. Ss it is now if nothing changes you will be scrimping and scraping for  the rest of your life.

Personally l would have left them to it long before now. 

Thank you, spurred on by some of the posts here I have attempted to discuss this with my wife but she just isn't buying into it. I am now starting to think that this isn't ever going to be resolved. It is really frustrating as we could live comfortably if MIL would just chip in some money each month.

Mojisola

chubster said:

Thank you, spurred on by some of the posts here I have attempted to discuss this with my wife but she just isn't buying into it. I am now starting to think that this isn't ever going to be resolved. It is really frustrating as we could live comfortably if MIL would just chip in some money each month.

Will the household income drop even further when you retire?  If so, how are you going to cope?

thorsoak

Would you be able to live comfortably if you were on your own?   Or would you and your wife be able to live comfortably without MiL?    Have you considered looking for a smaller house for the two of you - and returning £20,000 to MiL for her to live on her own?

Emmia

thorsoak said:

Would you be able to live comfortably if you were on your own?   Or would you and your wife be able to live comfortably without MiL?    Have you considered looking for a smaller house for the two of you - and returning £20,000 to MiL for her to live on her own?

Assuming the house has gone up in value, as the £20k will have represented  x% of the property price at the time, he should return the equivalent value to the MIL once things like agent fees etc., have been deducted.

JReacher1

thorsoak said:

Would you be able to live comfortably if you were on your own?   Or would you and your wife be able to live comfortably without MiL?    Have you considered looking for a smaller house for the two of you - and returning £20,000 to MiL for her to live on her own?

Based on a previous post from the OP it sounds like his wife would go with her mother. 

With the wife and MIL happy with the current arrangements it appears there is little the OP can do. 

MovingForwards

What outcome do you want OP?

Your wife is sticking with her mom, out of duty / obligation / fear / upset / or other reasons.

Asking for £400 a month is just taking the mick when nothing has been substantiated.

How much extra is one more person to feed compared to the two of you?
Have you swapped to non-branded items, cut down the treats / goodies?
How much council tax would you save by moving to a smaller property? 
How much extra gas / electric is being used by MIL?
Are you on the best tariff possible for your household consumption?
Reduced TV packages to basic or got rid of it all together for the likes of Freeview etc?

Without knowing what the money is going on and what it costs we can't say what is reasonable, what you could offer up as a compromise and a million other suggestions.

You do need to stop being a pushover, talk facts and figures to get the household running as one. As it stands it's you against wife / MIL, which isn't a pleasant situation to be in.

Why is the responsibility for you to take on a second job when your wife is now retired from her normal job? Again, it's the family unit of 3 not 1.

I do feel for you, honestly I do. You are stuck between a rock and a hard place. It won't get any better until you are firm with both of them and say this is the money from all 3 of us, this is what gas, electric, water, council tax etc costs, food costs X, running the cars costs X and we just cannot live this lifestyle. This is what I propose X, Y and Z.

seven-day-weekend

chubster said:

missile said:

I would show her the door

Not an option, my wife would choose MIL over me I think if I gave that ultimatum.

How very sad.  It seems you are just the Provider.