Organising a funeral during Covid

MoneySeeker1

silvercar said:

I haven't read though all the posts, but wanted to say that I "attended" a funeral over Zoom.
Immediate family at the graveside where there was a short service. Immediate family members standing 2m apart when they were from different households. Previously the family had circulated details of the Zoom meeting. In practical terms, the least close person at the funeral stood a few feet back, so they could broadcast using their phone.
Make sure the meeting is scheduled to start a few minutes earlier than the time of the funeral, ensure that key people are given an earlier time so they can log in before the meeting can be congested.
Make sure there is decent mobile signal at the cemetery for the person Zooming.
The person zooming needs to explain what is happening, their voice will be heard clearest, so they need to fill the gaps in proceedings. They can record the meeting to send the recording of the eulogy later to others.
It's a good idea for the meeting host to mute everyone else's microphone during the service - you don't want great aunt Maud revealing family secrets - unmute after the service so those watching can send condolances.

Good post that for those who are more techno-literate.

The one laugh I've had on this thread - Great Aunt Maud revealing family secrets. LOL. I have been told some - and I know the rest (because I'm not daft - I've worked it out and it's irrelevant to me and no source of judgement). 

MoneySeeker1

74jax said:

Death is very much harder for those left behind I believe, you (well I am) are left with this urge to do the right thing. But, there is no right thing at the moment. I have to accept that or it will eat me up. Anger, blame, it's all part of grief. I have been brought up with empathy and compassion, which I need ten fold right now.... 
I hear from the FD Tuesday and will update here, just incase there's useful info for others reading too. 

My sympathies to you in your situation too. Take care of yourself. Indeed do post back and say how things go.

I was just going to say I've never had this "do the right thing" - but then it occurred to me that the rest of the family are "fussing" about a Will. That thought hadnt occurred to me - and it's very obvious to me that was "theirs" (ie my mother and father) is now "hers" (ie my mother) and so I really can't see any particular need for a Will at this stage. The laws of intestacy give my mother most of what is rightfully hers anyway (if it proves not to be a will - as is, surprisingly, looking like it might be the case). The laws of common decency decree none of us get anything - everything will be my mothers without question about it and I, for one, would not dream of it being any different. So - yes - I'm "doing the right thing" there and I will insist (if I have to) that everyone else "does the right thing" too and accepts that everything is mothers now. 

I was brought up by my mother to be extremely conventional and distinctly old-fashioned. My father wanted me to think logically and forget any obstacles imposed by having been born a woman and do the best I can and to question/always question. You can guess whose values I have LOL (waves to father) - but I'm trying to get this as near as possible to what my conventional/old-fashioned mother wants.

74jax

silvercar said:

I haven't read though all the posts, but wanted to say that I "attended" a funeral over Zoom.
Immediate family at the graveside where there was a short service. Immediate family members standing 2m apart when they were from different households. Previously the family had circulated details of the Zoom meeting. In practical terms, the least close person at the funeral stood a few feet back, so they could broadcast using their phone.
Make sure the meeting is scheduled to start a few minutes earlier than the time of the funeral, ensure that key people are given an earlier time so they can log in before the meeting can be congested.
Make sure there is decent mobile signal at the cemetery for the person Zooming.
The person zooming needs to explain what is happening, their voice will be heard clearest, so they need to fill the gaps in proceedings. They can record the meeting to send the recording of the eulogy later to others.
It's a good idea for the meeting host to mute everyone else's microphone during the service - you don't want great aunt Maud revealing family secrets - unmute after the service so those watching can send condolances.

Silvercar, isis it wrong I want to know Great Aunt Mauds secret......

SingleSue

Pollycat said:

SingleSue said:

My uncle unfortunately passed away due to Covid. We were initially worried/concerned/upset that a funeral wouldn't be able to be held at all due to why he died but we can still have a funeral. It is being limited to 20 persons only (it's a large area), all suitably distanced and immediate family only. No touching of the coffin, only one single wreath/flower arrangement which will go with him and not be put out, no hugging obviously and no wake after.

As a family, although we are devastated that we cannot honour him in the way we would have liked, we are also relieved we can have what we are having as it is better than we originally thought. My mum hasn't decided whether she is going as yet because of a couple of reasons, a) I do the driving for them and I am in a different household (this point concerns both of us, I don't mind not being one of the permitted family members to enter the crematorium, in fact I am more comfortable being outside!) and b) Both she and dad are vulnerable as they are over 70 and have underlying issues albeit they are not on the extremely vulnerable list. Mum wants to go but at the same time, the thought scares the life out of her, she is worried about me (I am also at risk), worried about dad and completely torn as to what to do.

As others have said, these are strange times, we have to adapt to it and work within the rules, not just for our own safety but for the safety of others.

My condolence to you and your family, SingleSue.

I guess you and your parents just have to make the decision that sits most comfortably with all of you.

The fact that all of you are 'vulnerable' and not in the same household is a big consideration.

MoneySeeker1 said:

Added that funeral director hasnt said to me "No wake afterwards". The wake only isnt happening, afaik, because my brother and his family have said they wouldnt be going to one and I'm not there to organise/attend one - so the only people that would be at it would be my mother and her volunteer carer for the day and hence it would be pointless to have one with only two attending.

Unfortunately, any question of a memorial service later in the year is out of the question - because it would only put my mother through the mill again a 2nd time. That is assuming she is still alive herself - which is not very likely. Add the advanced age group my parents are/were in and so many of their relatives/friends have died by now anyway - so it would be pointless.

Even in 'normal times' I wouldn't have considered it any of the funeral director's business whether there was a wake or not.

When my Dad died a few years ago, we organised the wake ourselves. Nothing to do with the funeral director.

Maybe he didn't stipulate 'no wake afterwards' because the government advice on gatherings between people who do not live in the same household is very clear.

MoneySeeker1 said:

Admits this is confusing me SingleSue when you say 20 people are "allowed" at yours - whereas I'd thought it was 10. That being 10 full stop no more (regardless of whereabouts one is in the country etc).

It does make it confusing that it's an obvious thing for funeral directors to do to send an email back once a funeral has been booked and say "Normally we would do x/y/z - but, in current circumstances with Government restrictions, we are instead restricted to doing a/b/c" and specify exactly what people aren't allowed to do currently.

The funeral director I'm using has just muttered vaguely about flowers and said words to effect of "No flowers (with inference it was because people would know the date and might turn up unannounced and making the numbers attending over quota)". He didnt say "No flowers - because no flowers are allowed or only one set of flowers are allowed". So I'm assuming it's no flowers because people won't (ahem...) know the date the flowers are due to be there at the crematorium and not because of "Government says so - regulation laid down".

I'm pretty much finding it impossible to get anything out of him in writing - and hence why I'm having to do such a comprehensive paper trail to get things down in writing and state words to effect of "What we have agreed is x/y/z". Operating in such a "cloud of unknowing" because he is being so vague. If there is any Government restrictions then the only thing I know of is I thought the Government had said "up to 10" and that's the only Government restriction I know of.

I think you are expecting the funeral director to have a list of 'dos and don'ts', a list that all funeral directors throughout the country are working from during this crisis.

Even police forces throughout the country are interpreting government instructions differently.

I don't think it's reasonable to expect funeral directors to be any different.

Thanks, my aunt has offered a place at the funeral to my mum as it was her sibling but with no pressure or expectation as she understands it is difficult for everyone right now and she wants people to do what is best for them and for people to be safe.

There will be a live link which I will be using, the issue is trying to get mum set up to use it too if she does decide not to go...mum and technology are things which don't quite go together, at least not without one of us setting it up for her which right now, is not that easy with isolating and social distancing (it's why we are not Face timing, she has forgotten how/is not confident to do it!)

Gers

MoneySeeker1 said:

No need to report any further obstacles  - they will be communicated to the nation via the usual government routes.  FDs will follow them to the letter.

It may be your personal choice not to report any further obstacles.

It is my personal choice that I have already made to report any further obstacles. I will be doing so.

Didn't say that you shouldn't - just said 'no need'. You report away.

MoneySeeker1

On the related topic of I've been hassled by others in the family about a Will.

Is there some logical reason I'm overlooking as to why this is irrelevant now (ie with my mother being alive)?

I very much doubted that there would be a set-down funeral plan by my father anyway (though I've requested some time back that my parents make one out and I can just follow it as they want). So I've worked out for myself, as best I can, how I think mother would want it to be and the officiating (retired) minister has been round to see her (primed by me that I want it to be as she would want). So that's not the issue.

Is there some other reason I ought to be thinking about my fathers Will (or lack of....) now and I'm overlooking it? As it's so blindingly obvious - to me! - that everything is 101% mothers now and no question about it - then I cannot see a reason for concerning myself now (or later) about this. I may be overlooking a reason - but it's not clear to me there is one iyswim.

KxMx

Would the neighbour who is willing to take her to funeral be willing to go in and set things up, so your Mum doesn't have to do anything?

As to a will, if there was one your Dad could have made different bequests instead of leaving everything to your Mum. 

So while I personally find the questions distasteful, that may be what the questioners are trying to find out. 

MoneySeeker1

I guess the mini bequests to others might be a possibility - but it would be out of character from what I know of my father. He always operated on the basis of "What is his is hers" and she managed all the money etc. So I've had to do some "searching" (because of these queries) with solicitors to see if there is one and just took it as read there would be one and have been very surprised that no trace of one has emerged to date and there may not be one.

I am guessing my father trusted me to "do the right thing" (as he was perfectly correct in doing). So, if it turns out there is one subsequently and there are mini bequests to others (which I doubt) then I could always sort that out with mother later if one emerges and I would feel that it was up to her to make the decision as to whether to "honour" them or no basically. If anything has been specified as for the grandchildren or anyone else - then they can "wait their turn" whilst it's all still my mothers as I see it.

Gers

MoneySeeker1 said:

I am guessing my father trusted me to "do the right thing" (as he was perfectly correct in doing). So, if it turns out there is one subsequently and there are mini bequests to others (which I doubt) then I could always sort that out with mother later if one emerges and I would feel that it was up to her to make the decision as to whether to "honour" them or no basically. If anything has been specified as for the grandchildren or anyone else - then they can "wait their turn" whilst it's all still my mothers as I see it.

You do know and understand that if there is a valid will and if it leaves bequests (mini or major) then there is a legal obligation to fulfil them?  It won't be a case of making a decision to honour the will or not! 

Of course, if there's  not a will then the situation is entirely different.

MoneySeeker1

OMG! = as ever - misinterpreted - again. Not surprised...

Mothers property - mothers decision - I do what mother wants (after discussion with her). Now is not the time or the place for that discussion - by anyone.

IF a will emerges that is different to what I expect and father wants mini bequests made now then it will be discussed with my mother about this at that point. If no will emerges - take it as read there arent any mini bequests and she might possibly have a Will of her own later that makes such mini bequests and, if so, they will be duly honoured then.