Organising a funeral during Covid

Gers

SingleSue said:

My uncle unfortunately passed away due to Covid. We were initially worried/concerned/upset that a funeral wouldn't be able to be held at all due to why he died but we can still have a funeral. It is being limited to 20 persons only (it's a large area), all suitably distanced and immediate family only. No touching of the coffin, only one single wreath/flower arrangement which will go with him and not be put out, no hugging obviously and no wake after.

As a family, although we are devastated that we cannot honour him in the way we would have liked, we are also relieved we can have what we are having as it is better than we originally thought. My mum hasn't decided whether she is going as yet because of a couple of reasons, a) I do the driving for them and I am in a different household (this point concerns both of us, I don't mind not being one of the permitted family members to enter the crematorium, in fact I am more comfortable being outside!) and b) Both she and dad are vulnerable as they are over 70 and have underlying issues albeit they are not on the extremely vulnerable list. Mum wants to go but at the same time, the thought scares the life out of her, she is worried about me (I am also at risk), worried about dad and completely torn as to what to do.

As others have said, these are strange times, we have to adapt to it and work within the rules, not just for our own safety but for the safety of others.

So sorry for your loss SS - this virus is no respecter of people. 

MoneySeeker1

In fact basically, as I see it, the only memorial services later in year I'm likely to be attending are of anyone I know that commits suicide because of all these restrictions and/or loss of income. I definitely know one persons I'm likely to be at - as I think he is a very likely candidate for committing suicide to "get away from all this". In the more freethinking side of my social circle - there may well be others.

SingleSue

I independently checked the website for the crematorium to make sure what mum was passing onto me was correct as I was surprised about the number allowed....they have two rooms, one is limited to 10 people only, the other due to size is limited to 20 as they can have that amount and still be distanced within the rules. I suppose it is like shops, some shops can have more people in them because of the size.

Re flowers, I wasn't able to confirm on the website why but to me it makes sense. Flowers are generally put out on display afterwards and of course people stop and look at them and congregate, by limiting the amount of flowers, rather than it being due to not advertising a funeral (the list of funerals on the day is on the crems website), it is more to do with processing things and reducing the opportunity to gather and maintaining the social distancing rules.

elsien

74jax said:

My mam died yesterday. Unfortunately we can't have a church service, but are hoping we can at least get the graveside to see her lowered. 
Our FD was amazing, I live 2hrs away, as does my brother but in the other direction. 
In an ideal world I'd like my husband with me, but not sure I can justify him in the car with me... We have been told immediate family only graveside, we have informed friends / family. 
I plan on creating an online 'something'. My brother will speak, we will have a hymm to videos I have etc. Just something so people feel an 'end' that a funeral can bring. 
I have been told the medical cert will be emailed to registrar, a death cert will be created and posted out. It is not an appointment. 
Her house is locked up and it will remain that way for several months. My coping mechanisms are to be in control. I can plan a funeral, can't sort utilities, can't sort the house. It's limbo. But I take comfort we are 1 of thousands. We can't we really do 'wrong' as it's unprecedented. I just have to go against every fighting instinct I have, and go with the flow.... Be led rather than saddle up and lead. I don't like it, but my goodness I need to look at the positives in anything right now. This thread is useful, people can pick out what they want. 
I've had amazing support. My FD said things are changing daily, I have such compassion for him, he sounded so sad. He said it's his job to support families at this time and he feels distant. He is having to tell people, no they cannot attend. 
He said to me mam will be with him this weekend, not to worry about that. And when she is, she will be treated the way she deserves. Nothing changes. And that was just what I needed in this uncertain time. My thoughts go to everyone in this situation, at this terribly sad time. 

I too am sorry for your loss.
However I would see it differently to you with regards to your husband attending to support unless he is particularly vulnerable. You and he are one household in that respect, so one or two of you in the same car and keeping a suitable distance from other people is no more risky than you on your own. 

silvercar

I haven't read though all the posts, but wanted to say that I "attended" a funeral over Zoom.
Immediate family at the graveside where there was a short service. Immediate family members standing 2m apart when they were from different households. Previously the family had circulated details of the Zoom meeting. In practical terms, the least close person at the funeral stood a few feet back, so they could broadcast using their phone.
Make sure the meeting is scheduled to start a few minutes earlier than the time of the funeral, ensure that key people are given an earlier time so they can log in before the meeting can be congested.
Make sure there is decent mobile signal at the cemetery for the person Zooming.
The person zooming needs to explain what is happening, their voice will be heard clearest, so they need to fill the gaps in proceedings. They can record the meeting to send the recording of the eulogy later to others.
It's a good idea for the meeting host to mute everyone else's microphone during the service - you don't want great aunt Maud revealing family secrets - unmute after the service so those watching can send condolances.

Gers

MoneySeeker1 said:

Admits this is confusing me SingleSue when you say 20 people are "allowed" at yours - whereas I'd thought it was 10. That being 10 full stop no more (regardless of whereabouts one is in the country etc).

It does make it confusing that it's an obvious thing for funeral directors to do to send an email back once a funeral has been booked and say "Normally we would do x/y/z - but, in current circumstances with Government restrictions, we are instead restricted to doing a/b/c" and specify exactly what people aren't allowed to do currently.

The funeral director I'm using has just muttered vaguely about flowers and said words to effect of "No flowers (with inference it was because people would know the date and might turn up unannounced and making the numbers attending over quota)". He didnt say "No flowers - because no flowers are allowed or only one set of flowers are allowed". So I'm assuming it's no flowers because people won't (ahem...) know the date the flowers are due to be there at the crematorium and not because of "Government says so - regulation laid down".

I'm pretty much finding it impossible to get anything out of him in writing - and hence why I'm having to do such a comprehensive paper trail to get things down in writing and state words to effect of "What we have agreed is x/y/z". Operating in such a "cloud of unknowing" because he is being so vague. If there is any Government restrictions then the only thing I know of is I thought the Government had said "up to 10" and that's the only Government restriction I know of.

https://www.ageuk.org.uk/information-advice/coronavirus/arranging-a-funeral--coronavirus-advice/

https://www.coop.co.uk/funeralcare/coronavirus#whats-changed-for-funeral-services

https://www.theguardian.com/world/2020/apr/04/uk-councils-begin-to-ban-funeral-ceremonies-due-to-coronavirus

https://www.thesun.co.uk/news/11339842/how-many-allowed-funeral-coronavirus-lockdown/

There's plenty of restrictions though nothing about only 10 people.  It's entirely dependent on the local authority and space etc.

Pollycat

SingleSue said:

My uncle unfortunately passed away due to Covid. We were initially worried/concerned/upset that a funeral wouldn't be able to be held at all due to why he died but we can still have a funeral. It is being limited to 20 persons only (it's a large area), all suitably distanced and immediate family only. No touching of the coffin, only one single wreath/flower arrangement which will go with him and not be put out, no hugging obviously and no wake after.

As a family, although we are devastated that we cannot honour him in the way we would have liked, we are also relieved we can have what we are having as it is better than we originally thought. My mum hasn't decided whether she is going as yet because of a couple of reasons, a) I do the driving for them and I am in a different household (this point concerns both of us, I don't mind not being one of the permitted family members to enter the crematorium, in fact I am more comfortable being outside!) and b) Both she and dad are vulnerable as they are over 70 and have underlying issues albeit they are not on the extremely vulnerable list. Mum wants to go but at the same time, the thought scares the life out of her, she is worried about me (I am also at risk), worried about dad and completely torn as to what to do.

As others have said, these are strange times, we have to adapt to it and work within the rules, not just for our own safety but for the safety of others.

My condolence to you and your family, SingleSue.

I guess you and your parents just have to make the decision that sits most comfortably with all of you.

The fact that all of you are 'vulnerable' and not in the same household is a big consideration.

MoneySeeker1 said:

Added that funeral director hasnt said to me "No wake afterwards". The wake only isnt happening, afaik, because my brother and his family have said they wouldnt be going to one and I'm not there to organise/attend one - so the only people that would be at it would be my mother and her volunteer carer for the day and hence it would be pointless to have one with only two attending.

Unfortunately, any question of a memorial service later in the year is out of the question - because it would only put my mother through the mill again a 2nd time. That is assuming she is still alive herself - which is not very likely. Add the advanced age group my parents are/were in and so many of their relatives/friends have died by now anyway - so it would be pointless.

Even in 'normal times' I wouldn't have considered it any of the funeral director's business whether there was a wake or not.

When my Dad died a few years ago, we organised the wake ourselves. Nothing to do with the funeral director.

Maybe he didn't stipulate 'no wake afterwards' because the government advice on gatherings between people who do not live in the same household is very clear.

MoneySeeker1 said:

Admits this is confusing me SingleSue when you say 20 people are "allowed" at yours - whereas I'd thought it was 10. That being 10 full stop no more (regardless of whereabouts one is in the country etc).

It does make it confusing that it's an obvious thing for funeral directors to do to send an email back once a funeral has been booked and say "Normally we would do x/y/z - but, in current circumstances with Government restrictions, we are instead restricted to doing a/b/c" and specify exactly what people aren't allowed to do currently.

The funeral director I'm using has just muttered vaguely about flowers and said words to effect of "No flowers (with inference it was because people would know the date and might turn up unannounced and making the numbers attending over quota)". He didnt say "No flowers - because no flowers are allowed or only one set of flowers are allowed". So I'm assuming it's no flowers because people won't (ahem...) know the date the flowers are due to be there at the crematorium and not because of "Government says so - regulation laid down".

I'm pretty much finding it impossible to get anything out of him in writing - and hence why I'm having to do such a comprehensive paper trail to get things down in writing and state words to effect of "What we have agreed is x/y/z". Operating in such a "cloud of unknowing" because he is being so vague. If there is any Government restrictions then the only thing I know of is I thought the Government had said "up to 10" and that's the only Government restriction I know of.

I think you are expecting the funeral director to have a list of 'dos and don'ts', a list that all funeral directors throughout the country are working from during this crisis.

Even police forces throughout the country are interpreting government instructions differently.

I don't think it's reasonable to expect funeral directors to be any different.

MoneySeeker1

No need to report any further obstacles  - they will be communicated to the nation via the usual government routes.  FDs will follow them to the letter.

It may be your personal choice not to report any further obstacles.

It is my personal choice that I have already made to report any further obstacles. I will be doing so.

74jax

Pollycat said:

I'm also sending my condolences to you 74jax.

With your positive attitude you'll get through this.

And your Mam will understand.

Thank you Pollycat. 
I'm thinking this way, yes family can't get over from Ireland, but the video funeral we make, in reality, will reach more first hand.
Mam would most definitely understand, she always thought of others, there's no way she would want us to beat ourselves up over things we can't control.
Death is very much harder for those left behind I believe, you (well I am) are left with this urge to do the right thing. But, there is no right thing at the moment. I have to accept that or it will eat me up. Anger, blame, it's all part of grief. I have been brought up with empathy and compassion, which I need ten fold right now.... 
I hear from the FD Tuesday and will update here, just incase there's useful info for others reading too. 

-taff

Re flowers. The FD have not specified what flowers can be done, but most of the florists are shut because they get their flowers from Holland and M&S get theirs from this country, hence the reason why they aren't available here in such a great amount as before. There is only one florists open and another struggling where my auntie lived and the flowers will have to be whatever she has available, not especially what we would like.