Organising a funeral during Covid

SevenOfNine

Perhaps this is a good time to point out that this is the DEATHS, FUNERALS & PROBATE forum.  Posters here are often extremely vulnerable, angry, sad, confused, all manner of jumbled emotions, made WORSE by these worrying times.  For those who feel some terminology used by a NEWLY BEREAVED person is not to their liking, it might be more appropriate to let it pass & stick to forums where bickering is more acceptabe.

-taff

For now, I think the OP should stop trying to anticipate problems further on. If the rules and regs change before the funeral is executed, there will be nothing they can do about it anyway, save comply. And after complying, realise that any new rules weren't brought in to annoy anyone or make their grief worse, but to protect other people from the virus, such as FDs and their teams. The FDs will have their instructions, and gov instructions trump FD contracts.

Just carry on as you have already sorted things out and take a deep breath.

And as none of the potential changes have been brought in anyway, all supposition is going to do is upset you needlessly.

MoneySeeker1

I'm just keeping my fingers crossed all round that things don't get even worse - my father is what I think is being referred to as a "libertarian" - and so it's not surprising I am too.

I'm doing what I can to deal with the fact that many other people aren't libertarians and may restrict us. 

The person appointed to officiate (a retired Minister - of a denomination that will be acceptable to my mother) has rung me and I've explained my concerns about this to him:
- that I'm concerned I'm operating a lot in the dark without the written quotation in advance for whatever particular plan I chose that I always expected to be the case and requested him to get it sorted out with the funeral firm I know what the "worst case analysis" is of the cost, so it's not unexpectedly higher.
- that my brother doesnt actually want to go and is hoping (by the sound of it) that the police will stop him en route. The minister stated this is deemed "essential travel" and that he will send them an official letter by email stating the purpose of the trip in case the Police try and stop them and there's all my emails organising it too there on their Ipad to confirm this as well.
- given him the eulogy compiled for my fathers funeral

So I've done what I can to protect what arrangements I've been able to make.

National news is piling on the pressure. Regional news is even more so. Note for today - refresher course time - will look on Amazon to buy and re-read copy of "1984" - might as well read it again (more thoroughly this time).

Very fearful of finding I'm even stopped by the Police whilst out walking here - so working out the evading action if and where I should be able to do so if need be without risking the fine I'm already mentally prepared for. 

Not the sort of person to do so normally - but stood and had a darn good scream literally in my kitchen this morning - in the hope it'll get it out of my system that it doesn't come out against anyone that says the wrong thing when out publicly. Good job it's a detached house....

Pollycat

-taff said:

For now, I think the OP should stop trying to anticipate problems further on. If the rules and regs change before the funeral is executed, there will be nothing they can do about it anyway, save comply. And after complying, realise that any new rules weren't brought in to annoy anyone or make their grief worse, but to protect other people from the virus, such as FDs and their teams. The FDs will have their instructions, and gov instructions trump FD contracts.

Just carry on as you have already sorted things out and take a deep breath.

And as none of the potential changes have been brought in anyway, all supposition is going to do is upset you needlessly.

I wrote something very similar to this ^^^^ yesterday but decided not to post.

The OP's frustration is coming across loud and clear but I'm not sure that pre-thinking issues that don't currently exist and may never happen is productive.

Nor is what reaction he'll have if those issue do manifest themselves.

It's highly unlikely that the OP will be stopped during an exercise walk and even less likely that he'll be given a fine.

Re the neighbours who are 'going ballistic - they need to understand and accept that these are not normal times.

I personally wouldn't be on the 'receiving end' of anything from neighbours and certainly wouldn't be trying to pacify them.

If the OP's brother really doesn't want to attend the funeral then that's his choice.

I think it wrong for the OP to try to put pressure on him via the funeral director to attend.

He is, after all, in the 'highly vulnerable group'.

If that translates to 'extremely vulnerable' as defined on Gov.UK, then he should be 'shielding' and that means for a period of 12 weeks.

These are not normal times.

I think the OP should take a step back and stop trying to second-guess everything as it's clearly stressing him out and may be stopping the grief process about his Dad's death.

-taff

OP, you say your mother has been housebound for months you say and your brother is highly vulnerable. Take a step back and wonder whether you aren't pushing either of them in attendance because you can't be there. I might be completely wrong, but grief does weird things to people..Make sure you're acting in their best interests.

I don't want my sister to attend the funeral she's about to because she should be staying in the house and going nowhere, but she wishes to go.I'd prefer she stayed safe, not sorry and then not me being sorry.

MoneySeeker1

With my brother - it's more that he is someone that has a strong tendency to abide by rules (he went into the Armed Forces - as my father had done previously) so he's much more that mindset.

My father wasn't basically in the Armed Forces by choice in many ways and does "question" to a large extent and got very much the daughter he wanted in many ways (ie I "question" and rules/laws/etc have to be clearly explained as to overall benefit for Society in the long-term). I was astonished in more recent years to find that was exactly how my father likes me to be and that he was "on my side" in that respect - most unexpected that was. I'd never really clicked how much of a freethinker he is in many respects - or where I got it from - and found he was "on the same side" in various ways, where I'd thought he'd be the exact opposite.

Pollycat

MoneySeeker1 said:

With my brother - it's more that he is someone that has a strong tendency to abide by rules (he went into the Armed Forces - as my father had done previously) so he's much more that mindset.

My father wasn't basically in the Armed Forces by choice in many ways and does "question" to a large extent and got very much the daughter he wanted in many ways (ie I "question" and rules/laws/etc have to be clearly explained as to overall benefit for Society in the long-term). I was astonished in more recent years to find that was exactly how my father likes me to be and that he was "on my side" in that respect - most unexpected that was. I'd never really clicked how much of a freethinker he is in many respects - or where I got it from - and found he was "on the same side" in various ways, where I'd thought he'd be the exact opposite.

If he is in the 'extremely vulnerable' category it's very important he abides by the rules - for his own health.

That goes for anyone in that category regardless of what job they did/do.

If he's not isolating for 12 weeks then that's different.

But it is his choice whether to attend the funeral or not.

And unfair to put pressure on him to attend by bombarding him with proof of a valid reason to travel.

He's already said he's not happy picking your Mum up in the car to go to the funeral because of his vulnerability.

If my sister were in that position, I'd understand and allow her to make the choice that sat best with her.

I'd be happy that our Dad would understand in these very testing times.

It must be very hard for you to be making arrangement at a distance and knowing that you can't attend but maybe time to let others make their own decisions.

MoneySeeker1

My brother and his family will be in their own car and "social distancing".

Mother is going to be picked up by a very suitable volunteer (suitably recompensed) with full protective gear.
So "protection" is being maintained all round.

On the organising front the (retired) Minister has been round visiting my mother (rather than just phoning her as I expected) and she likes him and doesn't care he's not "her denomination". As she put it - "It's all the same God, isn't it". So I think he's coming over quite well here.

Gers

MoneySeeker1 said:

I "question" and rules/laws/etc have to be clearly explained as to overall benefit for Society in the long-term). I was astonished in more recent years to find that was exactly how my father likes me to be and that he was "on my side" in that respect - most unexpected that was. I'd never really clicked how much of a freethinker he is in many respects

Even rules in MSE? Have they not been explained to you at least twice now??

cbrown372

I suggest you get the funeral organised as soon as possible while there are still allowed to be mourners there at all, no matter who you are or indeed where. Friend's father died last Monday, nothing to do with the virus and he has the funeral on Wednesday and have planned an evening online for the rest of family and friends who won't be among the 5 people allowed. They will enjoy a drink together and share many happy memories and on reflection says his Dad had a good and happy life and would like it this way. They did have ten days of him being really ill so plenty of time to tell him how much they loved and thought of him.