Organising a funeral during Covid

MoneySeeker1

My elderly father has died elsewhere in the country a couple of days ago. I'm in process of trying to arrange a funeral for him. I've put this with a funeral director and instructed him it's to be a crematorium funeral.

In the event that both my parents are very elderly (he was in his 90s, she is 90s) there aren't that many people around in their social circle at all any longer.

I can't go myself - because I live a long arduous journey across country away from them and would need to use public transport and book into a hotel for a few days and neither of those things look possible thanks to Covid.

My brother and his family will be driving down to it - but are reluctant to fetch my mother/his wife from her house 10 miles away because my brother is deemed "highly vulnerable" group and they are wondering if my mother might faint.

So - right now I'm asking - is it usual in Normal Times for funeral directors to provide a car to fetch a chief mourner if required? Is this something funeral directors are doing if need be in Covid Times.

My mother would not cope at all with not being able to go to her own husbands funeral and I'm struggling as to how to arrange this for her.

It is going to be such a quiet, small funeral anyway - with only my brother and his wife/2 children there and no wake afterwards courtesy of Covid.

The funeral director and I are having "to make it up as we go along" as to how to manage to do a Covid funeral. (Thankfully my father died of the illnesses he had anyway - and not from Covid).

Is there anything else I should think of? I've not even been to many funerals before even in Normal Times and certainly none in Covid Times.

[Deleted User]

I don't know about the current situation but having been to many funerals including those of my parents the undertaker always provided cars for the mourners if requested. I think you should ask the undertaker if they will provide a car to take your Mum to the funeral and home again afterwards.
If the undertaker cannot do that then perhaps it is possible to arrange a a taxi.

SevenOfNine

This is still going to be a 'covid' style funeral, so painful for mourners.  No physical contact with each other, sitting the regulation distance apart. Your poor mother is very vulnerable herself, your brother may well be there but you can't expect a stranger from the FD to look after her physically, tears, collapsing with the sheer grief of it, when a comforting arm is required.  How does your brother think he's going to avoid stepping up?

This isn't going to be the funeral any of you would wish, I'm not sure a 90 year old will be up to coping with attending any better than NOT attending.  Perhaps a Direct style one would, in the circumstances, be more appropriate, with the plan to have a more fitting farewell when the covid situation means it would be safer for your mum & brother & you can travel to attend.

If mum insists on going, are any local charities able (or willing) to step in Age UK maybe. Who looks after mum's needs at the moment?  My condolences, a terrible time all the more difficult with all the covid restrictions.

https://www.coop.co.uk/funeralcare/funeral-services/direct-cremation?utm_source=google&utm_medium=cpc&utm_campaign=*_nb_-_[cwc]_-_generics_-_[uk]_-_[e]&utm_term=direct_cremation&gclid=EAIaIQobChMIxtrWo6rY6AIVWODtCh10eAQ4EAAYAyAAEgJIOvD_BwE&gclsrc=aw.ds#what-is-direct-cremation They seem/sound heartless, but so does a funeral constrained by covid.

MoneySeeker1

The thought had crossed my mind of maybe a commemmoration "after the event" when things are Normal again.

I don't see that as realistically possible though. My mother has her own health problems and is of an anxious depressive temperament anyway.

As it is - I think if she can't manage to attend his funeral that will probably about finish her off and it'll be her funeral the week after. I'm already half geared-up mentally to turn round to the funeral director and say "change of plans - make it a joint one - she's gone too".which is, in fact, just what she wants anyway (as she has long since lost the "will to live").

There are carers going in currently 3 times daily for my mother. So, though she's been housebound for months, I guess is why my brother thinks she might have unknowingly caught Covid and not know it.

Will bear in mind Age UK to see if there's anything they might do to get her there/back if possible.

Robin9

The FD will be facing such problems on a daily basis - trust his/her judgement.

Mojisola

Would any of her Carers be willing to escort her to the funeral?

Different times, I know, but several of Mum and Dad's Carers came to their funerals. 

MoneySeeker1

Investigating whether my worst case analysis situation might turn out to be along the lines of this Co-op Direct Cremation and a "Cortege Service". The funeral arrangement are already in process with another firm - and the other firm says they normally supply cars for chief mourners if required, but in current times they are checking back and it's not looking that likely.

Waiting for response to a message I've left with one of my parents helpful neighbours - as he's just the sort that would enjoy the challenge of organising the neighbours in the street into being out in front of their houses to "pay respects" to hearse going past and I think it's something the neighbours would probably all do if asked.

Flugelhorn

I arranged (a couple of years ago) a direct cremation and later memorial service - but totally appreciate the fact that your mother may find  it  very hard not to "be there"
The option of "cortege service" is certainly interesting  particularly if street is quiet - cortege and celebrant arrives outside house - all (including neigbours) stand at decent distance - mother seated, perhaps with carer - celebrant takes very short service - cortege leaves for crematorium in dignified manner. 

Robin9

Flugelhorn - the "cortege service" is excellent. We had something similar many years when my 13 yo nephew died. The cortege passed his home on the way from Church to Crem - stopped outside his home for a few moments. Very moving.

Even if MoneySeeker1 has to pay extra the idea of stopping and having part of the service outside your dad's home with your mother on the doorstep is well worth every penny.

millie

A friend of mine arranged a funeral for his sister who sadly passed away a few weeks ago. the funeral directors would only provide the hearse. the few family members allowed had to use their own transport.

MoneySeeker1

I think it's starting to come together #fingerscrossed.

In the event a volunteer will be taking her to funeral/staying with/coming back and  they will be compensated anyway for their time, etc.

I'm going to keep the cortege idea anyway - for the sake of the neighbours having their chance to come out and pay respects to the hearse whilst it's en route to the funeral.

Might be one totally unanticipated obstacle. It's thought that funerals might be being awkward about people singing the hymns they wish to have. I don't know if that is really the case or no - surely not?!!!! Fingers crossed I don't have that obstacle as well to deal with. If I do - then it's not that big a problem if the funeral director is efficient. Because, if he is efficient, then it's easy enough for an efficient person/firm to provide a suitable recording of the hymns concerned - as, goodness knows, they are common ones.