Embracing the new family dynamics and looking forward to the future with optimism

pollyanna_26

Thanks for the update Ss. I certainly aren't judging and I don't believe any of us here have the right to approve or not your decisions .

Providing ds does make the transition to the GFs house organically in time I know you will feel better emotionally if things happen that way. That doesn't mean letting him distrupt your day to day life. If he's aound he needs to do his fair share of things and if he doesn't it's peobably best to draw the line and tell him to go.

I feel quite sorry for the GF. I know you've said she has her own difficulties but if they are getting on OK together which seems the case as he spends so much time with her it may be the best solution.

Thinking back to when you had the flu she was the one who saw exactly what needed doing and got ds working with her to sort food and drink for you and sort the house and children out..

That's a very different scenario from when he and the ex were together turning perfectly good homes into messy , filthy pits and spending their time crashed out which led to the police and SS scenario.

I'm glad you're going to look at some benefits to give you some respite for your hand to heal and things to settle down. You've paid into the system all your life and it's there for times like this.

In these rather strange times when none of us are out and about as much as usual it's a chance to look at our lives and as you've always done plot and plan for the days ahead.

You need to prioritise your physical and mental health above all else. Without that things will be difficult for you all. It's not being selfish it's being sensible.

pollyx

ps How are you beamie?

hb2

Beanie, how is puss?

Savvy, might you be eligible for the coronavirus Self Employed Income Support Scheme? You would need to have had more than 50% of your income from self-employment over the past 3 years and the grant would be a proportion of your average earnings over those years.

thorsoak

I've just picked up on what you said earlier this morning Ss "All good points.
DS is aware of the fact that I have told him that I can do it better without him. I have told him that I am likely to be selling the van, especially if I find him smoking in it again."
Amputation is less painful when it is complete and quick.   He should be told to go now - not in a little while.   He has let you down again - all it needs is for someone to smell what is being smoked and tip off the police - and it would be you, as the house/van owner who could be prosecuted.   Were he my son, he would be out by lunchtime, heart-breaking as it would be.    

tessie_bear

Ss please take care of yourself and your kids and your mum if your son is moving around xx
(long time lurker) posting because im worried about you all

*Robin*

Ss, you amaze me..  sometimes I need a rest after just reading how much you have to fit into your days!
Lots of folk saying send DS off to live "officially" with his GF - but wasn't there a problem with her benefits if she lets him move in, rather than just being an overnight visitor?  I am wondering whether there would be room at Biggest's house for a caravan in her garden?  She is not as willing to bend to his desires, could probably use his occasional help, and a caravan would be a much cheaper option than a camper-van.

thorsoak

The problems of DS and his GF are not the responsibilities of Ss - and I for one will not put them on the already-overburned shoulders of Ss x

pollyanna_26

If Iwas walking in Ss shoes which I said yesterday I am not. Not so dear son would have been sent on his way long before he fathered the children. He has shown no respect been totally in his own bubble  doing as he pleases and utterly oblivious to the impact on all around him.

I know Ss struggles with the emotion involved in the situation and think that's why she can't take that final step and send him on his way.

He is a very bad example to all the GC and undermines Ss health and emotional wellbeing and simply doesn;t give a damn.

The last thing Biggest needs at the moment is him living on her drive.

I volunteered over a number of years with rough sleepers. Some were youngsters leaving care with nowhere to go. They would listen and engage with any help and support offered gladly. Others were like ds. Doing their own thing, no real employment record drifting on aimlessly leaving debts and often one or more children sometimes by different partners in their wake,

Pretty well eveyone had started young with Cannabis. Many people think that's a harmless recreational drug, it isn't . In a lot of cases it messes with the head , addles the brain and the focus goes to having a constant supply. Forget food ,bills etc by that point you're an addict. That's where as in ds and the exs case the stronger drugs come in along with those like the Family from Hell.

I do believe if ds can't find anywhere else he would be better with the GF for now. However I believe Ss needs to remember the shoots games , find out whether the XBox is the sole choice of entertainment when the little ones visit and be aware of exactly who ds is mixing with as he travels hither and thither.

At the moment both parents have access granted by the court but it would benefit Ss to know exactly what happens during those visits and weigh up how the children seem afterwards. She alreadty worked out what was happening with the shoots games but it's important things are age appropriate and the access time is concentrated on the childre and their welfare,

pollyx

ETA When I speak of DS living with the GF I mean openly and above board with any benefits providers etc informed of the change in circumstances.

.

beanielou

hb2~~.  Thanks for asking.
The cat is not at his best at the moment. 

Savvy_sewing

Sorry about the cat Beannie.
take care of you.
 I am reluctant to make DS go under a cloud. I think he is distancing himself and he said yesterday, be it in a message that the situation was "crippling " him.
 I can understand that. Although it is all of his own making. But unless he wants to change the way he lives, acts, engages there is nothing  more that I can do for him.
He has only been at the GFs house or here, apart from the supermarket where he wears masks and gloves. He is obsessive with hand sanitizer, which is why I will allow him near the family. Also because GF is scared to go out anywhere then I am reasonably confident that nobody has been in touch with anyone remotely unwell. Of course that is still a risk, but probably less then my taking the boys to and from school and nursery. 

When I said he was smoking in the van I didn't actually mean cannibis, I meant smoking in general. I don't allow it in the house and don't want it in the van. It will devalue the van, and it is a fire risk as the van has gas and I doubt the foam seating is compliant with today's standards and it looks like the original 80's fabric.
 I also would not want the children going in there if he has been smoking.
Dgd continues to improve her moods etc but has reverted to ignorance when it comes to school work.
 I have invested in a WiFi extender in my cabin, so I am going to be making her come in to the desk at the other end with her laptop and do work when Biggest is not working there.
 I have managed to do quite a few small alterations/repairs as well as a few final masks on order so feeling less anxiety as I now know exactly what I am going to have to do.
The other granny has called today and is going to have the boys at the stable yard after school tomorrow. Which will allow me even more time to catch up with things in the house in the morning and the cabin for a few hours in the afternoon.
 I stopped about an hour ago, and have had a long hot bubble bath and now feel a bit more relaxed.

pollyanna_26

Savvy_sewing said:

Sorry about the cat Beannie.
take care of you.
 I am reluctant to make DS go under a cloud. I think he is distancing himself and he said yesterday, be it in a message that the situation was "crippling " him.
 I can understand that. Although it is all of his own making. But unless he wants to change the way he lives, acts, engages there is nothing  more that I can do for him.
He has only been at the GFs house or here, apart from the supermarket where he wears masks and gloves. He is obsessive with hand sanitizer, which is why I will allow him near the family. Also because GF is scared to go out anywhere then I am reasonably confident that nobody has been in touch with anyone remotely unwell. Of course that is still a risk, but probably less then my taking the boys to and from school and nursery. 

When I said he was smoking in the van I didn't actually mean cannibis, I meant smoking in general. I don't allow it in the house and don't want it in the van. It will devalue the van, and it is a fire risk as the van has gas and I doubt the foam seating is compliant with today's standards and it looks like the original 80's fabric.
 I also would not want the children going in there if he has been smoking.
Dgd continues to improve her moods etc but has reverted to ignorance when it comes to school work.
 I have invested in a WiFi extender in my cabin, so I am going to be making her come in to the desk at the other end with her laptop and do work when Biggest is not working there.
 I have managed to do quite a few small alterations/repairs as well as a few final masks on order so feeling less anxiety as I now know exactly what I am going to have to do.
The other granny has called today and is going to have the boys at the stable yard after school tomorrow. Which will allow me even more time to catch up with things in the house in the morning and the cabin for a few hours in the afternoon.
 I stopped about an hour ago, and have had a long hot bubble bath and now feel a bit more relaxed.

I think as long as you stick to not enabling your sons behaviour if he doesn't change his ways things should be calmer Ss. I remember you saying he was obsessive about sanitizer etc. My mention of who he might be meeting up with was more whether any of the previous bad role models were around.

When I was still able to drive no one was allowed to smoke in my car and never in the house. Both the gas and foam in the camper are an accident waiting to happen and you are right to ban smoking there and around all the GC. As Corona is a respitory disease it's not helpful to anyone to be around smoke.

Good to her DGDs moods continue to improve and I think the WIFI extender in the cabin and her doing the homework under your eagle eye is a very good idea.

I'm glad you feel less anxious now you've thought things through managed a bit more work and with the boys at the stable yard tomorrow will have time to catch up with both house tasks and some work.

I bet that bubble bath was very theraputic and well earned. Once everyone is settled for the night enjoy a bit of you time.

Wishing you a peaceful evening and some restful sleep.

pollyx