Embracing the new family dynamics and looking forward to the future with optimism

pollyanna_26

Molly41 said:

Do you think DGD is frightened of school? I remember that my DD (who you know well) had terrible issues with bullying don't want to worry you as Im sure it has improved. Well done on persisting and getting her there though hugs (London was very painful and the journey was awful ) hugs xx

I think Molly may be on the right track here Ss. As you know it took 20 years of fighting for the right diagnosis for my dd after the Aspergers one when she was 13. School became a scary place for her as she tried to follow the recommended ways for somone with Aspergers. I had to take her out of school and home educate. That's easier to do as an experienced teacher and I'm not suggesting you do the same. You have more than enough to cope with as it is. It's seems to me there is an underlying issue with DGD. My dd was bullied as she couldn't fit in. She is unrecognisable now compared to that scared youngster because she was finally diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder. A tough diagnosis but Meds and intense Counselling changed her life. I'm not saying your grandaughter has that but she sounds like some youngsters I've encountered with various difficulties and if you can get her assessed properly it may lead to an answer and a way forward for her.

I know it's difficult but for years I weighed every word I spoke to my dd. I did keep reinforcing what was and wasn't acceptable behaviour but as I found out later my words made her feel unsupported and judged so it's a hard one.

Your dgd is a little younger than when my dd was given the wrong diagnosis. Both her gps said point blank she wasn't on the spectrum . The psychiatrist who diagnosed  her had just discovered Aspergers so diagnosed every youngster with it. He got it right a few times but by the time he was struck off had left a trail of damaged youngsters in his wake.

It was dd who finally figured out what was wrong. She handed me a number of typed A4 pages and said I'm going upstairs , read  that and see what you think. There it was every odd behaviour, fear of abandonment , constant self judgement etc. All from putting all the things she struggled with into a search. Superdoc read it and said ok we're going to fight now. It took time but we got there on the best day of our lives.

There are allsorts of conditions. Hormones etc can mask things. Your gd may have something simple perhaps from her childhood losses but I really would advise weighing things up and talking frankly to the Dr again. I know you don't like labels but a label gave my dd the life she deserved.

Sorry this is so long. The younger she is the less she may need to struggle so much.

Take care

pollyx

ETA Typical teenage behaviour was a huge block when we chasing the right diagnosis. It's often referred to. However dd was the youngest of 4 siblings with two older sisters so I was familiar with adolescent awfullness and this was different.

Savvy_sewing

Thanks Polly,
(and Molly), we see our GP to try to kick things off on the 6th, it was the earliest I could get a double appointment for her.
she seemed happier when I picked her up from school at 3.
although she did still retire to her room just after tea. I did knock and ask how she was, and she actually did walk down to the shop for a throwaway lunch for Friday, she has a school trip to the Museum in Oxford tomorrow. I just pray that she will get up in time because she can't miss the bus!
DS has just got home from work, and he is sick now, said he had been sick 5 times since 9.30 but he couldn't come home as he was on Close duty. I think he's just been ill again as I just heard the flush refilling again. Not good. Not for me but he is supposed to be doing his HGV theory retest tomorrow/today at 9.30 in MK. He needs that before he can get behind the wheel and get lessons. He has had to pay £90 for the retest as it is.
 I am going to try and get back to sleep now.
the morning will be here all too soon.
sorry London was not good Molly, let's hope tomorrow is a better day all round. 
X

pollyanna_26

I hope you managed to get back to sleep Ss. I worried my post may have upset you so I'm glad to read your reply.and thr plan for dgds doctors appt.I had to tread very carefully with dd and discovered the mildest comment could upset her and make her think I was judging her when she couldn't fathom what was wrong in her life. She just knew she was struggling.

When you spoke of talking to her yesterday morning I could see things that were the way you would deal with things. You've always planned ahead , mind mappped and used motivational quotes and mantras to move forward.

Much of what you said to her yesterday echoed your way but she's young, unsure and unable to figure out whats going on in her life and needs the help you are now going to seek to help her . She's going to feel even worse if your way isn't working for her.

Apart from her beloved grandad you have been the one steadfast person in her life since she was tiny. Telling her you could go to prison if she didn't go to school is something many parents may say but she is upset and vulnerable and those words may shake her trust that you will always be there for her. It is very much a matter of weighing every word before saying something.

It's very possible that her problems may be due to the loss of her mum and possibly the new family mum now has although dgd doesn't seem so keen to visit much now. Her cousins (her boys) gone. The worry she had when the young boys were in foster care.

Although they are now under the same roof as her she probably worries that things will change as they did in the past. There's a lot of memories in her head which hopefully can be dealt with so she will be able to work through those feelings.

I hope you can see these comments as coming from concern for both dgd and yourself. As I've said in the past I'm not one for Oh poor you posts, and sometimes I will be quite blunt. I have and will always support you but I have mentioned a number of times my concerns for dgd.

She loves the togrther time with you at the cinema but is obiously struggling otherwise.

It sounds as though ds has picked up the bug. I'm glad he has another chance to do his theory so fingers crossed he'll be well enough to go to MK and gd will make it for her school trip.

Wishing you a less stressful day ahead. I've had about 2 hours sleep and am beginning to think I'm not going to nod off again. This cough isn't showing much sign of going.

Hope you have a better day Molly. Take care of you.

pollyx.

Savvy_sewing

I understand where you are coming from Polly. I appreciate it.
I asked for help with Dgd in the last year or so at her last school, and talked to this new school before she even started there, I have discussed the unusual family dynamics with the schools and the doctors all along. I have asked for her to have counselling for quite a while, 
i realise my way may not be her way, but it is better to keep trying to communicate with her and give her examples of my experience that she has seen then to not try. I am very mindful of that. 
I have tried several different approaches in the last couple of years while asking the system for help with her. I have never tried to deal with this alone.
 I am not qualified.
 I don't want to label her with anything I want to hope that it's more teenage transition etc but what ever she is trying to process at the moment she is struggling with.
 I have had the boys in here for 45 minutes or so, but it's time to start our Friday morning routine and get Dgs1 to his Breakfast a Club and Dgd to her school trip.
 I will have the little one, so only customer phone calls and collections will probably be done today.
 I might get to see if dgs2 has a nap and I take the baby monitor out to the cabin with me.
 I have yet to see what DS is able to achieve but it is what it is I suppose.

beanielou

Ss. Hope all goes well for you today. 

Polly. Hope your cough goes soon. 

Molly41

Thank you for your kind wishes Polly and SS the day has started miserably but hey Im having a rare PJ day cuddling a hottie as in pain. Hope your days are going to go well xx

Savvy_sewing

Molly41 said:

Thank you for your kind wishes Polly and SS the day has started miserably but hey Im having a rare PJ day cuddling a hottie as in pain. Hope your days are going to go well xx

Best place to be, cuddling the hottie or the dog. Hopefully your pain will ease soon.
 I actually got Dgs1 to breakfast club, and Dgd to school before she needed to be.
 I thanked her when I dropped her off for having made my morning easier, and lifting my mood. 
Dgs2 has been fine for me throughout.
poor DS has gone to do his test, but it was such an effort for him. I know how bad I felt so not going to underestimate how much willpower he has had to find to move.
dgs2 has asked to go to bed, so I have made my cup of tea, and I'm going to sort a coat out here in the house as it needs unpicking and hand sewing.
 I have had one customer collected and let others know their things are ready. 
I would like the rain to ease up as I wanted to walk down the town to do some banking, and maybe buy the fruit and veg from the new market man. 

hb2

Oh dear, I'm sorry that people here are struggling so much in different ways I wish you all well but don't have anything useful to add I'm afraid.

beanielou

Hope DS gets on ok.

Savvy_sewing

Apparently he passed one half and missed the multiple choice by 1 point. He didn't make it home, he stopped off at the girlfriends in a terrible state and I suggested he stayed there as her kids are not there on a Friday so he can sleep. Her update is he is really unwell.
dgd was having a good school trip until she was sick in the Museum, so when I collected her she went straight to bed.
 The boys have been really quite good today, dgs2 slept 2 hours and I sorted a coat, unpicked a jacket zip while waiting for the new one to be delivered and started unpicking another coat that the owner wants turned into a reversible gilet. 
I sorted out a few of the toy boxes in the stacking unit, and had three lots of work collected.
unusually all three telephoned me, and I was worried that I had done (or the other Seamstress), had done something wrong, but they were all delighted with their stuff and just wanted to tell me. 
That was a real morale booster. 
Its all quiet now, and I am going to relax for a while. 
I do need to get my floor washed in the cabin as I have a wedding dress to fit tomorrow.