Embracing the new family dynamics and looking forward to the future with optimism

LadyHarris

beanielou said:

Must be great for all of you with your perfect lives to pass such judgement.
None of us know what is round the corner.

This seems to be your stock in trade statement when anyone has a comment that doesn't flatter  but if anything its YOU who is judgmental stating everyone has a perfect life.
People are writing their thoughts down in exactly the same way SS does no more no less people are rightly concerned just because you do not agree does not make their concerns any less valid

Savvy_sewing

I understand all of the point of views.
 I will be back to comment in a bit.
 I don't have a magic wand. 

SingleSue

Holidays with the boys used to be hell for the first few days and the final day would always produce an aggressive reaction from middle son. It was stressful but I kept at it, never gave up and eventually it improved (although middle son can still be moody and tetchy on the last day of holiday even now)

Personally, I wouldn't be waiting on the school to do their bits, I would be getting in touch with a doctor for an urgent referral to CAMHS to speed up any diagnosis, I always found that schools talked the talk but rarely walked the walk....or at least if they did walk the walk, they did it at a very slow pace and only with a mind to the educational viewpoint. A two pronged attack (school and GP/CAMHS) may bring a resolution and a forward plan quicker.

As for mantras - Rather than "This too shall pass" (although I did occasionally use it), I tended to sing "Things can only get better" (D:Ream)...it helped get me through.

badmemory

I don't think anyone expects orange squash to be the magic bullet to cure all.  But the situation appears to be getting worse.  I cannot see any reason not to look & see if there are any changes to the diets which MAY have made the whole thing worse.  I've said before that I worry that seeing a diagnosis can stop an additional cause from being seen.  Belt & braces if you like!

Savvy_sewing

Ok.
I understand that my problems are not simple and there is no quick fix.
Having joined a support group on Facebook it has struck me that many many adoptive families are having the same issues as I am.
The contact letter that I got this year via letterbox clearly outlines that the adoptive family of the two boys of Twin2 are having/had the same issues as I am.
Having the boys moved is not going to sort out their problems over night. It might be a quick fix for me? Possibly but they would likely have even worse problems.
 The key issue is that I need to learn the latest parenting skills and to work with the school, the intervention team, etc.
As someone mentioned, they are not going to stay little and so things will change.
dgs1 sleeps all night now. Dgs2 will eventually sleep all night.
The referrals hopefully will get them the play therapy etc required.
This life is not going to be easy, and probably never will. If the placement with me fails, ( and I am well aware of the cracks widening), then the authorities will have them adopted. But their problems will still be there.
 I have to get some councilling I think, because it is my attitude and ability to cope (or not). 

The rat issue has compounded my anxiety. This too will eventually pass.
 I have to change, before the situation will change.

I want to reiterate that DS is Allowed  un supervised Access and always has been.

The boys routine needs to be fine tuned, the play therapy is needed.
DS needs to be consistent with his access. As does the other family. The boys need to have the information available to them so they can know what to expect each day.
 I have to accept that I need to adapt and that currently I am feeling resentful that I have enabled DS to leave me in this position and I am still "grieving" my own life. 

I have come to realise that I am not helping my self if I continue to begrudge my position, as ultimately I did agree to accept the guardianship in the end.
 I am still struggling to not be the business woman, the career worker. 

I feel out of sink with what my life definition has become and how I have always seen myself.
yesterday when DS collected the children he could see that I was tired, and after a discussion with his GF they had the boys on a sleepover. I had a nap, and then dgd and I went for a walk around the town and down to the lake. She used the gym equipment as we went, and I talked with her about the issues with the boys and even my battle with my attitude, and my worries about her.
 I will try to make the walks part of our on going time together.
with the boys on a sleepover I was able to relax after dinner. Get a reasonable sleep ( heard the rats a few times), and not wake up until after 7 this morning.
 I got the boys clothes and lunches all ready, DS flew by and we changed the boys clothes and then he took them to the holiday club.
so I am now small child free until 3pm.
My first job is to try to give the cabin a coat of protective paint so that it dries before they are back home. So fingers crossed it will stay dry.
I understand that I have a lot to work on.
 I am willing to accept any help that the eventual assessments will offer ( or not). 

I cannot guarantee that it will be perfect for us, but I also understand that I am definitely not the only Carer going through all of this. By far there are a lot more people out there having it worse than me. 

Cairn

Is it worth keeping a diary of the boys activities v behaviour? 

It all sounds hard but if I’ve read correctly in the past few weeks they’ve been in and out of school/nursery, with other grandparents, with dad, on holiday, DGD away. I’m not criticising, but that’s a fair amount of random disruption for children already struggling with consistency and stability. Could this be adding to their problems? 

Maybe a month or two of a strict routine, who they are with, who is in the house might make them feel a bit more secure? 

Savvy_sewing

DGD and I have spent an hour painting my cabin.
 I have had several deliveries that I was expecting.
Biggest is feeling more in control today. As I am.
Mum is fine and I will go Friday to change her bed.
 The drain repair has been approved and the guy is coming this afternoon to start on it. 

My yoghurt maker has arrived so I am going to see if I can make my first batch in a long time. 

I have 2 hours before I collect the boys.
Hopefully the paint will be dry, I will have the dinner etc prepared and the washing on the line. 

hb2

Savvy, I do think a diary could be a good idea. Throw everything in - who they were with, what they were doing, what they had to eat/drink. You might find a pattern emerging.

I'm glad that some of the practical issues are being sorted out, especially the rats. It is natural for you to grieve for your previous life and the plans you made, I don't think you will be able to 'move on' until you have acknowledged that loss.

missbishi

Tomato99 said:

Why does a 13 year old need mental help? What for? She’s 13. It’s tough being a teen. Why does she need specialist mental health input. 

Yeah, that's what they said about me too. Since then, I've been sectioned twice, taken 9 different types of anti-depressant, lost 14 years of my life to drug addiction (I celebrated my 11th clean year earlier this month) and have arms covered with scars.

Nobody, I repeat nobody, is 'too young' to have mental health issues and the sooner attitudes like yours start to change, the better. It's no bl00dy wonder society is in the state it's in when other peoples issues are simply dismissed as 'childhood'. 

thorsoak

Cairn said:

Is it worth keeping a diary of the boys activities v behaviour? 

It all sounds hard but if I’ve read correctly in the past few weeks they’ve been in and out of school/nursery, with other grandparents, with dad, on holiday, DGD away. I’m not criticising, but that’s a fair amount of random disruption for children already struggling with consistency and stability. Could this be adding to their problems? 

Maybe a month or two of a strict routine, who they are with, who is in the house might make them feel a bit more secure? 

Don't forget, their time with their mother's family is ordered by the courts - and sadly Ss has very little jurisdiction as to what they do/eat/sleep during their time there.