Am I patronising?

dcouponzzzz

Hi there,

This isn't my usual point of call because myself and my partner are usually able to settle our disagreements quite well, and try to grow as people alongside each other. We've recently moved in together (3 months), so we're in the stage of discovering all of the things we like/dislike about our habits.

For context, I've owned my own house for 7 years prior, whilst my partner has never lived away from parents.

I want to be as unbiased as possible, so please read the situation below.

The situation:
We both have a lie in on Sunday morning. Our meals and shopping list for the week are planned and we agree that while I do the shopping, my partner will clean the house, and when I return I'll help with whatever's left before moving on to DIY.

When I get back from shopping, the majority of the house is done, and only the floors need mopping. I comment that 'the kitchen looks spotless!'. I then see my partner pushing the mop with 1 hand around the floor. I offered to take care of the mopping, as I both a) wanted to help now that I was home, and b) wanted the job to be done properly without telling my partner that 1 handed mopping won't scrub up the wooden floors very well.

The point of contention is that after offering to mop 4 or 5 times, I then said 'OK, can you use 2 hands then'.

This did NOT go down well, as apparently it's not the first time I've pointed out my partner's flawed methods when performing household activities. The other two times, I suggested how to strip wallpaper differently that would cause less to stick to the wall, and I suggested folding butter in to chocolate with a spatula instead of mixing with a fork.

I have now been told I'm being patronising, making them feel inadequate due to performing simple tasks wrong, and I'm making the house feel less like my partners and more like they're living in my house. Context, I contributed 10x more to the purchase, and this is hanging over their head, despite the fact that I always say that the money means nothing, and we both own everything as much as the other, and I honestly mean it.

So the questions are:
1) Am I being patronising pointing out when a job isn't being done properly, or could be done better?
2) Is accepting constructive criticism a foundation of a successful relationship, or can it work by accepting that your partner has different ways of doing things that might not be as effective?

I've tried to be as deliberately unbiased writing this, and have used gender neutral language to take away any biases reading it (see if you can guess my gender without checking my post history!).

I appreciate anyone that took the time to read this far, and please be as scathing as you like.

Thanks,

conradmum

The examples you give are so minor they aren't worth commenting on. Who assesses how their spouse mixes butter into chocolate? Don't you have better things to do with your time?
I understand how it can be frustrating to see someone do something differently from how you might have done it, but for the sake of a happy marriage I would stop making these kinds of comments if I were you. Everyone has their own way of doing things and perhaps they have more interesting and important things to think about than whether they could be cleaning the floors a bit better.
You do sound petty, controlling and patronising from what you've said here.

Comms69

dcouponzzzz wrote: »

Hi there,

This isn't my usual point of call because myself and my partner are usually able to settle our disagreements quite well, and try to grow as people alongside each other. We've recently moved in together (3 months), so we're in the stage of discovering all of the things we like/dislike about our habits.

For context, I've owned my own house for 7 years prior, whilst my partner has never lived away from parents.

I want to be as unbiased as possible, so please read the situation below.

The situation:
We both have a lie in on Sunday morning. Our meals and shopping list for the week are planned and we agree that while I do the shopping, my partner will clean the house, and when I return I'll help with whatever's left before moving on to DIY.

When I get back from shopping, the majority of the house is done, and only the floors need mopping. I comment that 'the kitchen looks spotless!'. I then see my partner pushing the mop with 1 hand around the floor. I offered to take care of the mopping, as I both a) wanted to help now that I was home, and b) wanted the job to be done properly without telling my partner that 1 handed mopping won't scrub up the wooden floors very well.

The point of contention is that after offering to mop 4 or 5 times, I then said 'OK, can you use 2 hands then'.

This did NOT go down well, as apparently it's not the first time I've pointed out my partner's flawed methods when performing household activities. The other two times, I suggested how to strip wallpaper differently that would cause less to stick to the wall, and I suggested folding butter in to chocolate with a spatula instead of mixing with a fork.

I have now been told I'm being patronising, making them feel inadequate due to performing simple tasks wrong, and I'm making the house feel less like my partners and more like they're living in my house. Context, I contributed 10x more to the purchase, and this is hanging over their head, despite the fact that I always say that the money means nothing, and we both own everything as much as the other, and I honestly mean it.

So the questions are:
1) Am I being patronising pointing out when a job isn't being done properly, or could be done better? - Probably yes. If you want to do it differently, then you should do it differently
2) Is accepting constructive criticism a foundation of a successful relationship, or can it work by accepting that your partner has different ways of doing things that might not be as effective? - Nothing constructive about 'OK, can you use 2 hands then'. perhaps something like - I'm not telling you how to do things, but I've found that when mopping the floors, I've had to use two hands to get into the gaps and make sure it's all clean. I can show you what I mean if you want

I've tried to be as deliberately unbiased writing this, and have used gender neutral language to take away any biases reading it (see if you can guess my gender without checking my post history!). - Not sure it matter which bits hang where.

I appreciate anyone that took the time to read this far, and please be as scathing as you like.

Thanks,

Your comment feels very much "I'm having the final word on this"

dcouponzzzz

conradmum wrote: »

The examples you give are so minor they aren't worth commenting on. Who assesses how their spouse mixes butter into chocolate? Don't you have better things to do with your time?
I understand how it can be frustrating to see someone do something differently from how you might have done it, but for the sake of a happy marriage I would stop making these kinds of comments if I were you. Everyone has their own way of doing things and perhaps they have more interesting and important things to think about than whether they could be cleaning the floors a bit better.
You do sound petty, controlling and patronising from what you've said here.

Thanks for reading through and commenting Conradmum, I appreciate it! And I appreciate the candidness

Just to add, one of my parents bakes for a living and is very good at it. Folding butter in rather than mixing it makes a bigger difference than you'd think I get the point though, it's not a big deal.

billy2shots

How many hands were used on the rest of the housework whilst you were away?

You don’t know because you didn’t see. You only noticed the ‘spotless kitchen’.
Pay more attention to the result rather than the process.

No need to tell us you have lived in a home for 7 years and your partner has just moved from parents or the fact you paid 10 x more. I know you are adding context but you could say partner paid less and leave it at that. These things are obviously important to you, perhaps work on lowering their importance.

mirko

My wife hates the way I hang up washing. There's nothing wrong with it (honestly), she just does it differently. She also racks up the dishwasher differently, and has differing opinions on how to wash stuff.

I don't like the way she drives - even though deep down I know there's not much wrong with it - so I normally drive.

We just let each other get on with it and laugh about our differences. If my wife isn't happy with the way I was clothes then she'll wash the clothes, if I'm not happy with the way she drives, I'll drive.

dcouponzzzz

Comms69 wrote: »

Your comment feels very much "I'm having the final word on this"

Thanks Comms69. The only people I really have to ask whether I'm in the wrong are my parents, and I already know they'd agree with me because that's how they brought me up. My friends would just be biased toward me based on it being my side of the story. I appreciate you commenting, and will definitely be taking the advice on.

I honestly feel like I might be mildly autistic at times I often struggle to see how what I'm doing is not the norm if it's not blatantly obvious, and I have sensory processing disorder... bit late to get diagnosed at 31 eh!

spadoosh

Youre a woman.

You sound similar to me. Have our ways of doing things. I like a degree of order, my OH is a bit more chaotic. It took me about 3 years to get her to put the glasses and cups on seperate shelves in the cupboard.

And no matter how many times i organise the rest of the cupboards within a week they are back to things like the little pan being at the bottom of the stack of pans so they inevitable topple out every time you open the door.

A big thing in our house is that i tend to spot and jump in when help is required. Say if i know shell be heading for a cupboard im stood in front of, ill move to allow her to access it without any form of communication. On the flip side, i get shouted at for being rude when i open the door having expected her to move to allow access (i mean if im reaching for the handle next to your knee, what do you actually think im doing?!?!). Its particularly noticeable with DIY. Ill be trying to cut wood or something that probably should be clamped down, kind of expecting shell notice that the piece of wood im trying to cut is flailing everywhere and maybe think 'i should hold that for him'. Nope. I just carry on until i get mad and shout at her. Then im the bad guy because i didnt ask for help.

Shes just an pain in the arris. Its worth putting up with though. Im a patronising pretntious a hole, she puts up with more.

dcouponzzzz

billy2shots wrote: »

How many hands were used on the rest of the housework whilst you were away?

You don’t know because you didn’t see. You only noticed the ‘spotless kitchen’.
Pay more attention to the result rather than the process.

No need to tell us you have lived in a home for 7 years and your partner has just moved from parents or the fact you paid 10 x more. I know you are adding context but you could say partner paid less and leave it at that. These things are obviously important to you, perhaps work on lowering their importance.

Cheers Billy, I appreciate the input! I included those details in the context because they are the points that my partner makes, in almost the exact same words. They're not at all important to me, but they're definitely factoring in to how other encounters make her feel.

The comments so far are overwhelmingly that I was wrong, and I can definitely accept that. Thanks again.

spadoosh

billy2shots wrote: »

How many hands were used on the rest of the housework whilst you were away?

You don’t know because you didn’t see. You only noticed the ‘spotless kitchen’.
Pay more attention to the result rather than the process.

No need to tell us you have lived in a home for 7 years and your partner has just moved from parents or the fact you paid 10 x more. I know you are adding context but you could say partner paid less and leave it at that. These things are obviously important to you, perhaps work on lowering their importance.

I got the impression that was put in for context in the regard that the partner is feeling inferior in general, potentially as a result of this which the OP is trying to highlight. As in the OP doesnt think its important but thinks that their partner think it might be.

dcouponzzzz

mirko wrote: »

My wife hates the way I hang up washing. There's nothing wrong with it (honestly), she just does it differently. She also racks up the dishwasher differently, and has differing opinions on how to wash stuff.

I don't like the way she drives - even though deep down I know there's not much wrong with it - so I normally drive.

We just let each other get on with it and laugh about our differences. If my wife isn't happy with the way I was clothes then she'll wash the clothes, if I'm not happy with the way she drives, I'll drive.

Cheers Mirko, this is the kind of thing I need to hear