Am I patronising?

dcouponzzzz

spadoosh wrote: »

Youre a woman.

You sound similar to me. Have our ways of doing things. I like a degree of order, my OH is a bit more chaotic. It took me about 3 years to get her to put the glasses and cups on seperate shelves in the cupboard.

And no matter how many times i organise the rest of the cupboards within a week they are back to things like the little pan being at the bottom of the stack of pans so they inevitable topple out every time you open the door.

A big thing in our house is that i tend to spot and jump in when help is required. Say if i know shell be heading for a cupboard im stood in front of, ill move to allow her to access it without any form of communication. On the flip side, i get shouted at for being rude when i open the door having expected her to move to allow access (i mean if im reaching for the handle next to your knee, what do you actually think im doing?!?!). Its particularly noticeable with DIY. Ill be trying to cut wood or something that probably should be clamped down, kind of expecting shell notice that the piece of wood im trying to cut is flailing everywhere and maybe think 'i should hold that for him'. Nope. I just carry on until i get mad and shout at her. Then im the bad guy because i didnt ask for help.

Shes just an pain in the arris. Its worth putting up with though. Im a patronising pretntious a hole, she puts up with more.

Thanks Spidoosh, we've both labelled these arguments we're having as 'teething pains' that everyone has moving in together, and I know we'll learn to live with each other the same way you two have. Unfortunately you guessed wrong though! :rotfl:

McKneff

If my other half had said 'can you use 2 hands,then'
He would have been buying a new mop, because the old one would have
Been unusable once i had finished wrapping it round his neck...

gettingtheresometime

dcouponzzzz wrote: »

Thanks Spidoosh, we've both labelled these arguments we're having as 'teething pains' that everyone has moving in together, and I know we'll learn to live with each other the same way you two have. Unfortunately you guessed wrong though! :rotfl:

Well even after nearly 30 yrs of marriage if my OH starts suggesting that I do something differently I don't mind the actually suggestion but I don't appreciate him getting the hump if I decide I don't want to do it that way.

dcouponzzzz

McKneff wrote: »

If my other half had said 'can you use 2 hands,then'
He would have been buying a new mop, because the old one would have
Been unusable once i had finished wrapping it round his neck...

This gave me a good laugh :rotfl: I'm definitely seeing I'm in the wrong and this is probably an appropriate response

euronorris

spadoosh wrote: »

A big thing in our house is that i tend to spot and jump in when help is required. Say if i know shell be heading for a cupboard im stood in front of, ill move to allow her to access it without any form of communication. On the flip side, i get shouted at for being rude when i open the door having expected her to move to allow access (i mean if im reaching for the handle next to your knee, what do you actually think im doing?!?!). Its particularly noticeable with DIY. Ill be trying to cut wood or something that probably should be clamped down, kind of expecting shell notice that the piece of wood im trying to cut is flailing everywhere and maybe think 'i should hold that for him'. Nope. I just carry on until i get mad and shout at her. Then im the bad guy because i didnt ask for help.

This is poor communication.


Why would you expect her to automatically move for you, with no prior warning. She could be in the middle of something. I'd be peeved too if my DH just opened a door into me, with no warning, when I was in the middle of something. A simple 'could you just move to the side a moment please, so I can open the door?' would be all that is required.


And I have no idea why you would expect her to hold down a piece of wood for you without asking. Again, she could have been in the middle of something. And even if she wasn't, why would she be just watching you do DIY and waiting to figure out what you need? Wouldn't it just be simpler to ask at the start, 'could you please hold this piece of wood in place for me?'?


Both of the examples you gave sound like poor communication on your part.

maman

You're probably right about the one handed mopping and the chocolate but it's just more tactful to say nothing.

I think if someone said to me that 'the kitchen looks spotless' and then proceeded to criticise the floor it would make the original comments sound very empty. It's a bit like those naff management training things where you're told to say something positive first and then deliver the bad news. It is patronising because you're making the assumption that the other person is too stupid to see through it.

My DH and I disagree on how to do lots of domestic tasks, dishwasher loading being one example. I just let him get on with it and when it's my turn I do as I please. If he wants too waste his time reloading it after me then that's his problem.

hazyjo

Defo a woman lol. I've had similar things - both ways! I'm picky, a perfectionist, and like a shortcut or easy way of doing things. My OH has bitten my head off before but tbh he's 'advised' me lots too, I just don't throw a hissy fit about it.

Takes a while to find a balance.

dcouponzzzz

maman wrote: »

You're probably right about the one handed mopping and the chocolate but it's just more tactful to say nothing.

I think if someone said to me that 'the kitchen looks spotless' and then proceeded to criticise the floor it would make the original comments sound very empty. It's a bit like those naff management training things where you're told to say something positive first and then deliver the bad news. It is patronising because you're making the assumption that the other person is too stupid to see through it.

My DH and I disagree on how to do lots of domestic tasks, dishwasher loading being one example. I just let him get on with it and when it's my turn I do as I please. If he wants too waste his time reloading it after me then that's his problem.

Thanks Maman, this was very constructive feedback! When I made the comment about the kitchen being spotless I was trying to be encouraging because they'd made a good effort! I can definitely see how commenting on not mopping properly would make not just this compliment worth less, but any compliment in future

dcouponzzzz

hazyjo wrote: »

Defo a woman lol. I've had similar things - both ways! I'm picky, a perfectionist, and like a shortcut or easy way of doing things. My OH has bitten my head off before but tbh he's 'advised' me lots too, I just don't throw a hissy fit about it.

Takes a while to find a balance.

Sorry Jo! I'm afraid I must have more feminine traits than most men :rotfl: I'm definitely a picky perfectionist as well, although I've gotten much better than I used to be.

spadoosh

euronorris wrote: »

This is poor communication.


Why would you expect her to automatically move for you, with no prior warning. She could be in the middle of something. I'd be peeved too if my DH just opened a door into me, with no warning, when I was in the middle of something. A simple 'could you just move to the side a moment please, so I can open the door?' would be all that is required.


And I have no idea why you would expect her to hold down a piece of wood for you without asking. Again, she could have been in the middle of something. And even if she wasn't, why would she be just watching you do DIY and waiting to figure out what you need? Wouldn't it just be simpler to ask at the start, 'could you please hold this piece of wood in place for me?'?


Both of the examples you gave sound like poor communication on your part.

Id call it poor observation on her part myself. :rotfl:

Im guessing you dont hold doors open for people. Ive certainly never asked someone walking to a door if they would like me to keep it open for them, i just make certain assumptions that holding the door open would be polite and helpful. Of course in 2019 it can lead to a whole other set of issues when you make assumptions.

If i get the impression that someone is struggling i will try and help irrespective of them asking. If there anything like me, they wont like asking for help because theyre bad at communicating. :-P


Ill add to this you just dont know my OH. She still cant comprehend that if she uses me to prop herself up using her elbows (ie elbowing me in the stomach, or collar bone or anywhere for that matter) that im probably going to get hurt and react badly to the situation.