Am I patronising?

System

The other person who lives in my house ( not a partner) does a very good job when hoovering, moves things, gets into all the corners, along the skirting boards etc. BUT I do it more often so tend to be a bit less particular, and 'day to day' rather than their one good clean a fortnight or whatever. Like wise they can't peel a potato without making more mess than I do, so I tend not to watch lol.

Point being there will be things that you do which are not as thorough as your partner, and vice versa. If you are the one folding in the butter, you could mention why you learned to do it that way and how it helps the end result, but when your partner's doing it, leave them to it. Likewise cleaning, if the end result is bearable I would keep quiet and go and find something else to do!

-taff

dcouponzzzz wrote: »

Thanks Maman, this was very constructive feedback! When I made the comment about the kitchen being spotless I was trying to be encouraging because they'd made a good effort! I can definitely see how commenting on not mopping properly would make not just this compliment worth less, but any compliment in future

If you'd made a comment to me about the kitchen being spotless, I'd be doing the Mckneff Mop-Folding activity also.
You sound as if you have your own standards and are unwilling to accept anything else from someone else, which is not really the way to ensure a harmonious couple-dom...You will both do things differently, and you need to accept that as will she.
You have been looking after your house a certain way for years, she will be doing things the way she or her parents have done things for years.
Eventually, if you both live, you'll be doing things your ways for years...

You sounded like a bloke to me from the get go.

seven-day-weekend

Does it matter all that much? She might do other things better than you. Play to your strengths. It's only housework!

We have been married nearly fifty years. He cooks. I do the dishwasher. On the rare occasions he does it, he does it differently to me. The stuff still gets washed.

Don't sweat the small stuff.

euronorris

dcouponzzzz wrote: »

Thanks Maman, this was very constructive feedback! When I made the comment about the kitchen being spotless I was trying to be encouraging because they'd made a good effort! I can definitely see how commenting on not mopping properly would make not just this compliment worth less, but any compliment in future

OK, that right there, is unbelievably patronising lol

dcouponzzzz

euronorris wrote: »

OK, that right there, is unbelievably patronising lol

!!!!... so the answer to my question is overwhelmingly that I am patronising! I'll definitely be going away and reflecting on this, no-one would want to live with a person like me if I don't sort it out.

euronorris

spadoosh wrote: »

Id call it poor observation on her part myself. :rotfl:

Im guessing you dont hold doors open for people. Ive certainly never asked someone walking to a door if they would like me to keep it open for them, i just make certain assumptions that holding the door open would be polite and helpful. Of course in 2019 it can lead to a whole other set of issues when you make assumptions. - Haha, no of course I'm not one of those people. Put equally, I wouldn't open the door onto a complete stranger and expect them to move out of the way just because they can see me. Again, they may be in the middle of something, and it would be rude to assume that my desire to open the door at that time trumps whatever they are doing.


Don't get me wrong, if I can see my DH is reaching for the door and I am NOT in the middle of something, I will move out of the way instinctively. But he doesn't just expect me to, he will always check and ask me to step aside a moment.


If i get the impression that someone is struggling i will try and help irrespective of them asking. If there anything like me, they wont like asking for help because theyre bad at communicating. :-P - lol, you know this works both ways. No reason you can't ask for assistance. Perhaps your OH knows you're bad at helping and is doing it on purpose to wind you up, I mean help you to improve at asking for help haha


Ill add to this you just dont know my OH. She still cant comprehend that if she uses me to prop herself up using her elbows (ie elbowing me in the stomach, or collar bone or anywhere for that matter) that im probably going to get hurt and react badly to the situation.

Oh God! Now that's horrid! My 3 year old does that, and gets told off every time. Elbows are pointy!! And painful!! A grown adult should definitely know better!

euronorris

dcouponzzzz wrote: »

!!!!... so the answer to my question is overwhelmingly that I am patronising! I'll definitely be going away and reflecting on this, no-one would want to live with a person like me if I don't sort it out.

It's great to do some self reflection, but also don't beat yourself up about it too much. I think everyone is patronising about something (whether they realise it or not).

maman

euronorris wrote: »

It's great to do some self reflection, but also don't beat yourself up about it too much. I think everyone is patronising about something (whether they realise it or not).

I agree. The points raised about chocolate and the one handed mopping are hardly world changing but the principle of being critical could spoil the relationship. It sounds like your partner might be a bit unsure of herself OP so if in doubt, say nothing.

TBagpuss

I think critisising the mopping is inappropriate - you don't actually know that their method won't result in a clean floor, and they presumably have their reasons for doing it that way.

I also think that when you start to live with someone you need to accept that there will be compromises on both sides. That might include, if you have differing views as to what is 'good enough' in terems of a specifc task, that the compromise is either that you both do the task, and you accept that sometimes it will be done to a 'good enough' standard not to a 'perfect' standard, or else the compromise is that you do that task and you partner does other things where they excel.

I think the other thing is *how* you raise issues.

Again using the floor mopping issue, I would suggest leaving it until they are finished. Assume you didn't know how it was done, are there actually any noticable issues? Areas that are not actually clean, for instance? I think part of the issue is that ;'different' isn't he same as 'wrong', and if your partner isn't asking for advice, then normally it is beter to let them get on with it, and only offer suggestions if asked.

Alternatively, if you want to offer what you see as constructive feedback, ask if it is wanted. for instance, if you were to say "I think I know a more efficient way to get the fleor clean, do you want me to show you" or even ask your partner about why they do it their way "I noticed you were mopping one-handed - is there a reason you prefer that? I tend to use both hands as I've always assumed it means I can get it done more efficiently - what do you think?" which allows it to be a aconversation, not a criticism.

I think it's importnat to remember that you are partners, they are not your subordinate, or a professional clearner whom you are paying.

I do also think that in context, where your partner moved into your home, there are likely to be issues of you expecting it done your way because it is your house, and them feeling that you are expecting to dicate to them for the same reason,so you perhaps need to do more to treat them as an equal so they don't feel they are being patronised.

Also - talk to them! Ask them if there are things you do one way that they feel could be done better / differently, and ask whether they would like feedback if you seethem doing something in a less than (in your view) optimal way.

jackieblack

Yes, OP, that sounds patronising to me (and I assumed you are a bloke)

As someone else has already said, just because someone does something differently to you it doesn’t mean that they’re doing it ‘wrong’.

If it’s so important to you that something is done ‘your’ way, then it’s probably better if you do it yourself