Am I patronising?

barbiedoll

This sounds like the normal squabbles that you’ll have for at least a year after moving in together. Living with someone else is very hard to do, everyone does things which drive their partner mad.

My husband moved into my flat when we set up home together. He brought some crockery bits and pieces with him, eventually, things got broken. He was always whinging about how it was only “his stuff” that got destroyed (not true, I dropped just as many of my cups and plates!) and that I was doing it on purpose just to get rid of it. I let it go until one day, when I pointed out that, as I did 90% of the washing up, it was inevitable that I would be the one to break things. I told him that he could wash up his own stuff if he preferred? It all went quiet after that!

He always points out that I don’t hoover behind the sofa, I moan that he wouldn’t dream of cleaning the sink properly after a shave. He insisted on buying a recliner sofa, but still loafs around, taking up all three seats (I don’t think I’ve ever seen him use the recliner :mad:)
He moans about my rickety old bookcase and my mountains of books, I tell him that he’ll go before my books do. When he started taking up cooking seriously, it was awful, watching him use the wrong utensil for folding in egg white to his mousse, I had to bite my tongue to stop yelling “Metal spoon....metal!!” :rotfl::rotfl:

You need to take a step back, but your partner needs to stop being so sensitive too. It will take a while, so be patient, you both have to learn how to live together. I don’t think you’re especially patronising, and even if you are, she must know what you’re like anyway, so don’ beat yourself up too much. It will get easier!

badmemory

rach_k wrote: »

You're kinder than I am. If my OH made suggestions about how I should mop, he would swiftly find that the mop had been inserted into him and he was being pushed around the floor to get the last bits.

You are all kinder than me! I got criticised for dust on the top of a picture I couldn't even reach when we had a cleaner. I'm sure that has absolutely nothing to do with why he is an ex!

mgdavid

OP, just for balance - there are people in this world who for completely unknown reasons (bloody-mindedness? laziness? stubbornness?) are perfectly happy to go through life doing things the hard, less efficient or effective way rather than take advice from someone who's BTDT. You'll find them in the workplace, among friends, on the roads, in shops, sometimes even in the place where you live. It's a common trait. One way of avoiding the potential confrontation is simply to grit your teeth, turn away and look at something else. Another, more drastic, is to change your partner - just before they change you !

theoretica

Sometimes telling people how better to do things needs more words than just telling your way - and offering to make the suggestion rather than just coming out with it so you can be told to go away.

Do you want a suggestion of a slightly faster way to strip wallpaper I discovered/found on the internet/learnt from a decorator...? You know my dad bakes, may I share a tip of his...

euronorris

theoretica wrote: »

Sometimes telling people how better to do things needs more words than just telling your way - and offering to make the suggestion rather than just coming out with it so you can be told to go away.

Do you want a suggestion of a slightly faster way to strip wallpaper I discovered/found on the internet/learnt from a decorator...? You know my dad bakes, may I share a tip of his...

So not 'Dear God, why have you left the recycling on TOP of the box again, instead of in it??!!' then? lol


He just laughs at me, the s**! Wind up merchant!

-taff

Yes, along with, why are my socks all rolled in a ball after washing, surely they won't have washed and dried properly? Because that's the way you left them when you took them off. The sock unfurling fairy does not visit this house.

NBLondon

spadoosh wrote: »

If i get the impression that someone is struggling i will try and help irrespective of them asking. If there anything like me, they wont like asking for help because theyre bad at communicating. :-P

Are you related to my wife? She wants to help so much that it overrides any thought about whether help is actually needed or wanted and sometimes steps over the line from helping to interfering. She accuses me of not asking for help oblivious to the possibility that I haven't asked because I don't need help - and I will ask when I need it.

It's great when you've known each other long enough that you can anticipate needs - like cooking together while chatting and you know that the next step involves getting the wossname out of the cupboard so you step aside or even get the wossname and put it by the cook's hand. But you can't assume or demand psychic ability. Or as euronorris says - the other person may be doing or thinking of something else or chatting and you need to say "Can I get the wossname..." or "Shift your a**e!" depending on your relationship.

As for DIY - why is she watching you? Did you say beforehand that you might (might) need another hand or has she already asked if you needed help and got the answer "Not sure until I start..."? Or is she multi-tasking.

Back to the OP - you may not intend to but it does sound as if you come across patronising. If the floor is clean enough - let it be - or clean it yourself (but not straight afterwards though...)

Magnolia

46 years!! 46 blooming years and can he fold a towel correctly? Not a chance!

I cannot count the times I have shown him how to do it correctly.

Why fold correctly I hear you ask - because it keeps the airing cupboard tidy and the main reason is it takes up less space and makes stacking more stable!

What do I do about it - I usually go into another room until the job is finished and when his back is turned I get them all out and fold them correctly. If he has ever noticed how tidy the airing cupboard looks he has never mentioned it :rotfl:

What I am really saying is - get over it. I bet there is things you do that annoy your partner but they just 'get over it' for the sake of harmony.

BTW - you would have been walking with a slight limp for several weeks waiting for the surgery to remove the mop! :eek:

Gycraig

No matter how much more my partner earns or spent on the house, If she started telling me how to do minute tasks I would tell her to do it herself in future.

bargainbetty

My father told me that in the very early stages of their marriage, my mother simply could not iron the sharp creases into his shirt sleeves and trousers properly. He had showed her several times, and his mother had showed her once, but she just wasn't able to do it. So, he had had to accept that if he wanted perfect single creases, he would have to do it himself. If he wanted my shirts and my brother's shirts done properly, he'd have to do them too because my mother was just no good at ironing.

My mother smiled the smile of a woman whose husband had done the ironing for 40 years. She had taught me how to iron a shirt, and knew exactly how to put in a sleeve edge. She had just been so annoyed by his patronising tone that she had deliberately got it wrong. She wasn't a maid or a moron, and if he spoke to her like either he would damn well have do things himself.