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Please tell me if I'm being unreasonable
Comments
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Haven't read the whole thread, only the first page.
I do not think you are being unreasonable, but if your OH insists on going that often, would it be possible to go on the train and hire a car when he gets there? At least he could get some rest on the train.
Also try and go with him sometimes.
Sorry if this has already been suggested.(AKA HRH_MUngo)
Member #10 of £2 savers club
Imagine someone holding forth on biology whose only knowledge of the subject is the Book of British Birds, and you have a rough idea of what it feels like to read Richard Dawkins on theology: Terry Eagleton0 -
paddy's_mum wrote: »OP already stated (and as I understand it, Pa agrees) that FiL has lots of friends, activities and other social life too.
The only one in this trio who doesn't have that is the OP!
Again...dangerous ground :eek:
That's her view from the outside. It doesn't mean the dad doesn't value and/or need his son there for him.
OP's view is that the FIL has mobility issues but is otherwise fit and healthy. Her DH might think he wants to be with his dad while he can.
It's hard to be definitive.0 -
Thing is though, when "kids" get married parents have to realise that their "child" has different priorities, which will not include putting their parents first. My daughter lives not far off 300 miles away, about a 5/6 hour drive, there is no way I'd expect her to come up here every other weekend, in fact I'd be as mad as hell knowing what the journey entails.That's her view from the outside. It doesn't mean the dad doesn't value and/or need his son there for him.
OP's view is that the FIL has mobility issues but is otherwise fit and healthy. Her DH might think he wants to be with his dad while he can.
It's hard to be definitive.
Is there any way that you could get one of his (FIL) friends to have a chat with him and make him see how unreasonable he's being, expecting your oh to drive up every other weekend? He might listen to a mate. Another thing is age, which you don't mention, if he's mid to late 80's, then maybe it's worth hanging on in there as it cannot last much longer, but if he's only 60's/70's then this could go on another 20 odd years!!0 -
I'm not convinced that the OP's FIL is being unreasonable.Is there any way that you could get one of his (FIL) friends to have a chat with him and make him see how unreasonable he's being, expecting your oh to drive up every other weekend? He might listen to a mate. Another thing is age, which you don't mention, if he's mid to late 80's, then maybe it's worth hanging on in there as it cannot last much longer, but if he's only 60's/70's then this could go on another 20 odd years!!
As someone else has said, older people often become selfish and have expectations of their children.
If nobody is having 'a difficult conversation with the FIL', I can easily see how the journey the OP's husband is undertaking every other week seems perfectly OK to the FIL.
The OP's husband has set a routine which he could easily have stopped or reduced if he had 'a difficult conversation with FIL'.When he was ill he needed extra support and we gladly gave it. It was after this period of us both staying with FIL for an extended period that the frequent visits started. That was fine, he needed the extra support and reassurance while he was recovering from illness. But it was always the understanding (between me and OH) that this would gradually be stepped down to a more manageable level. I did tell OH to discuss it with FIL sooner rather than later, to set his expectations for the future. I also tried to say to OH that there will come a time when FIL does need even more support or is ill and that he should take the opportuinty to take a step back now while he can, so that when in future more support is needed, he is at least not frazzled from the ongoing situation. But he didn't do it. He somehow never found the right time.
Although OH of course wants to support FIL and spend time with him, I also think that because it's now been going on so long, and has become an expected part of routines, that OH feels it's easier to just keep doing it rather than have a difficult conversation with FIL. I also think that when FIL was ill it knocked his confidence, and he enjoys the reassurance of OH's visits, and OH therefore finds it difficult to change things. Which I completely understand, but is it really a good enough reason to require a fortnightly visit which has such a big impact on our lives and to which there is no end in sight.I kept asking and OH always said he planned to drop this down to a more manageable level - eg once a month. But he’s never broached it with FIL and FIL seems to expect that OH can just keep doing this. I gave up asking OH as it was starting to cause friction between us and I tried to accept that it’s just something he feels he must do.I would be happy if he changed to going up there every third weekend, instead of every second, but he just won’t speak to FIL about it. To be clear, apart from his mobility problems, FIL is a capable and intelligent person.
This situation is down to the OP's husband not pulling on his big boy pants and having that 'difficult conversation' with his Dad.
The OP says the FIL 'seems to expect'.
Is that a feeling she has got?
Or has her FIL actually said he expects the fortnightly visits to continue?0 -
I agree up to a point Polly, but I think FIL is being unreasonable. Surely anyone could see that a journey of 300 miles a weekend on top of working long hours is asking for (medical) problems. I can't be the only one surely who'd be horrified if my kids did this, and would tell them in no uncertain terms to stop it? It might help if we knew how old FIL is.I'm not convinced that the OP's FIL is being unreasonable.
As someone else has said, older people often become selfish and have expectations of their children.
If nobody is having 'a difficult conversation with the FIL', I can easily see how the journey the OP's husband is undertaking every other week seems perfectly OK to the FIL.
The OP's husband has set a routine which he could easily have stopped or reduced if he had 'a difficult conversation with FIL'.
This situation is down to the OP's husband not pulling on his big boy pants and having that 'difficult conversation' with his Dad.
The OP says the FIL 'seems to expect'.
Is that a feeling she has got?
Or has her FIL actually said he expects the fortnightly visits to continue?
This is why I said maybe a mate would point out to him how unreasonable he's being, something along the lines of "don't you think it's a bit much to expect your lad to come driving up/down here every other weekend?" He might listen to someone who is not family as they wouldn't have an "agenda" iyswim.0 -
This would be much simpler if the OP's husband did what he'd agreed to ages ago...just have the difficult conversation with his Father.I agree up to a point Polly, but I think FIL is being unreasonable. Surely anyone could see that a journey of 300 miles a weekend on top of working long hours is asking for (medical) problems. I can't be the only one surely who'd be horrified if my kids did this, and would tell them in no uncertain terms to stop it? It might help if we knew how old FIL is.
This is why I said maybe a mate would point out to him how unreasonable he's being, something along the lines of "don't you think it's a bit much to expect your lad to come driving up/down here every other weekend?" He might listen to someone who is not family as they wouldn't have an "agenda" iyswim.
If anyone is being unreasonable, it's the OP's husband.
I would consider it unfair to ask a mate to 'point out to him how unreasonable he's being' if the son won't broach the subject himself.
I'm still not convinced that it is the FIL who is being unreasonable.
I could quite see my Mum & Dad having similar expectations unless/until it was pointed out to them that it was too much to travel so far every other weekend.
I agree it would help if we have some idea of the age of the OP's FIL.0 -
Maybe it's just me then, but I wouldn't dream of having my kids run round like a blue a**d fly for me.This would be much simpler if the OP's husband did what he'd agreed to ages ago...just have the difficult conversation with his Father.
If anyone is being unreasonable, it's the OP's husband.
I would consider it unfair to ask a mate to 'point out to him how unreasonable he's being' if the son won't broach the subject himself.
I'm still not convinced that it is the FIL who is being unreasonable.
I could quite see my Mum & Dad having similar expectations unless/until it was pointed out to them that it was too much to travel so far every other weekend.
I agree it would help if we have some idea of the age of the OP's FIL.
The reason I said a friend have a word is because I can well imagine the FIL putting a guilt trip on the op's oh, if he brought it up himself. As I said if there was light at the end of the tunnel due to age, then it probably could be just about doable for a couple more years, but if this is likely to go on for years and years, then whichever way it's done, it needs to be sorted sharpish. 0 -
I don't know if it's just you or not.Maybe it's just me then, but I wouldn't dream of having my kids run round like a blue a**d fly for me.
I'm just continuing the thread of some older people sometimes being selfish and possibly unthinking.
Until that selfishness is pointed out to them.
Well, nobody will ever know what the FIL's rection would be until the OP's husband wises up and has that difficult conversation.The reason I said a friend have a word is because I can well imagine the FIL putting a guilt trip on the op's oh, if he brought it up himself.
And that's why the OP's husband needs to bite the bullet and have that difficult conversation...As I said if there was light at the end of the tunnel due to age, then it probably could be just about doable for a couple more years, but if this is likely to go on for years and years, then whichever way it's done, it needs to be sorted sharpish.0 -
Maybe he hasn't done so because he knows his dad will be difficult/sulk/row/whatever. Only he (and the op) knows what the likely reaction will be, but whoever does it, it does need to be done before the poor man collapses with exhaustion.I don't know if it's just you or not.
I'm just continuing the thread of some older people sometimes being selfish and possibly unthinking.
Until that selfishness is pointed out to them.
Well, nobody will ever know what the FIL's rection would be until the OP's husband wises up and has that difficult conversation.
And that's why the OP's husband needs to bite the bullet and have that difficult conversation...0 -
What ifs. What ifs.Maybe he hasn't done so because he knows his dad will be difficult/sulk/row/whatever. Only he (and the op) knows what the likely reaction will be, but whoever does it, it does need to be done before the poor man collapses with exhaustion.
As you say, only the OP and her husband know what the reaction might be.
The reaction may be different to what that they think it will be.
The fact remains that The OP's husband seems determined to drive himself into the ground and drive a wedge between himself and his wife rather than have a difficult conversation. :cool:0
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